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Was I wrong for asking SO to not see this "friend?"

I just found out that my SO has been communicating with an old friend of his. He said I had nothing to worry about because she is a lesbian. I never got a good feeling about her. He has other female friends and I never was worried about them, just this one. Mostly I think because he never introduced us or anything. I just happened to find out they were communicating over the internet. Then it turned into a huge argument because of the suggestive emails she was sending him and saying they need to "hang out." He finally admitted to sleeping with her once. Then I found out this is the same girl who slept with one of my family members boyfriends, while she was in the house. He said this happened before she became a lesbian. So I told him because of the history, I don't like her and I never will. She screwed over my family (and screwed my SO once, even if we weren't together.) I said I don't feel comfortable w/him being her friend.

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:59 PM on Nov. 11, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • He got upset with me and told me he has known her longer than me. That makes me think he sees her as being more important than me. I told him he is with me and being that I know her now and what she did, I don’t like the fact that they still talk and she is always trying to get him to hang out with her. I feel if he really only saw her as a friend, he would suggest all of us getting together somewhere, or at least introduce us. Even that is out the window though, since I realized this is the girl who slept with my family members boyfriend. He didn’t know that until a couple of days ago. Am I the one in the wrong here?

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:59 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • That makes me think he sees her as being more important than me.

    he needs to take your feelings into consideration...If you aren't comfortable with her, then he needs to stop talking to her. How would he feel if the tables were turned?

    Answer by Jademom07 at 5:03 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • I was just talking to my daughter about this kinda stuff... I had an ex-boyfriend I remained friends with for six years after we broke up. In his two relationships following, I would talk to the current gfs on a regular basis - generally more than him, and that is why it was all cool - nothing shady, nothing hidden. I brought my next beau frequently to see the ex's band. Then I got a new serious bf who was not comfortable with me being friends with ex... at this point ex and I spoke only once in a great while & i'd moved across the country. Out of respect for the bf's wishes, I let the friendship go. There is a fine line between being jealous and/or controlling and being disrespected. My lesbian couple friends who were getting married and had been together years broke up b/c one left for a man. Obviously this chick has been attracted to men in the past. If there is nothing shady, no reason you all can't be introduced, even if

    Answer by figaro8895 at 5:14 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • you and her won't necessarily end up friends... as long as you can watch them interact and get to know what kind of person she is (maybe she's changed...) and are comfortable with that, then you should respect the friendship. It's hard to demand that someone let go of a friendship when you are not married... if you break up, he will still have friends. But if anything suggestive has been said or he is refusing to honor and respect your feelings, then I think it speaks about his true character and you can find someone else... IMO he is only making you question your motives and your trust in him in order take the focus off what he is doing...

    Answer by figaro8895 at 5:17 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • I get what you're saying. He tells me I should trust him, but then I ask why he hides her. He doesn't have an answer. Then he makes me feel like the bad guy even though I try to explain how I feel without accusing him of anything. I asked if he was serious about us, we've been together almost 7 years. He tells me I'm the one for him, yet he won't even try and understand why I have ill feelings towards her. I thought about letting him go and moving on but he is a great father and I don't feel it's fair to the kids to take their dad away because of that. Then I feel like I am being stupid about the whole situation.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:26 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • sounds like you need an answer that makes sense. maybe you should explain that. if you've been together seven years he ought to know what kind of person you are right now. if you have not shown yourself to be possessive or jealous in the past, then there is something different going on here. i wish i could tell you that chances are nothing is going on but everytime i have ever gotten that feeling, i was right. every time. not that he has done anything wrong other than hiding yet, but nipping it in the bud needs to be done. i had a problem w the guy I stopped talking to ex over reconnecting w a childhood friend and then all of a sudden things started to get weird and he was hiding that he was talking to her. we worked that out: i told him they were both out of line and he needed to cut it out or i was done (and meant it). give him options that are acceptable to you - you have to decide what those are. (hugs)

    Answer by figaro8895 at 5:36 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • I would not be ok with it either. My SO was friends with a lesbian that he slept with once too, before she "converted" or whatever!! So, I completely feel your pain and I asked him to stop talking to her, because it made me uncomfortable. I haven't found him talking to her, but he never just came out and told her he wasn't going to talk to her either. He just hasn't called her (that I know of) and she hasn't called him yet. (that I know of) She kinda just faded out of the picture. But, the day they talk, I think I will be kind of upset! I'm just hoping it doesn't happen!! It kind of hurt my feelings too, cuz my SO kind of acted like yours. He didn't understand at first and was like, "Well, she's been my friend for a long time" and I'm like would you like it if it was friends with a guy that i screwed?!?! But, he hasn't talked to her in a while, so we'll see how it goes...

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:48 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Nope I do not think you are in the wrong at all, nor being unreasonable.

    Answer by Tickledtrauma at 9:32 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • go with your gut...all the time in these type situations. I'd rather be wrong asking them to stay away than to find out i was right.

    Answer by RyleighsMoM3505 at 12:58 AM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • also, if she was such a good friend you would've known about her from day 1, right?

    Answer by RyleighsMoM3505 at 12:59 AM on Nov. 12, 2009

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