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Husband wants swinging

I married a great guy. Accomplished, polite, handsome. I knew he had some swinging experiences before marriage. I even went with him to one event, and decided it is not my cup of tea.
Fast forward five years, he started pressuring me to swing. Again, we went to a party, juts like before, watching other people. I see some women seem to enjoy being "the hottie" but this is really not me. I tried to explain to my husband. He responded with hardly any sex for month (he does have strong drive). After this emotional blackmail, we went again. I hate going there. Why can't he just let go of it? I dread weekends, I am praying for any family event to use as excuse.
Like I said- he is the perfect guy, all my friends envy me. He just has two "litle" issues. Stay or leave him? How can someone so polished be so animalisic inside? I just don't get it.


Asked by MeWife at 11:48 AM on Nov. 12, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (21)
  • It looks like you already have lots of good advice on here but I just wanted to added my own take on it to try to give you a little more insight. First of all I do not have any first hand experience with swinging but what I am unfortunately an expert at is a h who has issues concerning "never being satisfied." Eventually it ended because I saw that it was never about me and he was not willing to work on it. The final straw was repeated infidelity but the real reason I am writing is because I suspect that you see signs of this nothing ever being good enough attitude in other areas. Mine was a good provider and admired in his profession blah blah "polished" as you put it. But it can all be part of their facade and deep down NOTHING is ever good enough. My h's is deeply rooted in issues concerning his adoption among other things. Just food for thought. It might not all be about sex and swining and that is actually the BAD NEWS!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:45 PM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • If your not into it LEAVE HIM!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:50 AM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • leave him and never look back. you will never be enough for a type of person like this, it will belittle you till you have to leave anyhow.

    Answer by angevil53 at 11:51 AM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • Well he's NOT the perfect guy. Sorry, but blackmailing is NOT acceptable in a good marriage. Swinging only works if BOTH partners want it. IF even one person is hesitant or doesnt' like the idea, the marriage is over. I would seriously evaluate your marriage if I were you. I'm really sorry he's doing this to you. It's not fair to you and chances are, he's not going to change, he has to want your marriage more than swinging, and it sounds like he doesn't. Best of luck hun

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 11:54 AM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • My parents did it. They were upper middle class with a nice home. Their marriage was horrible. It was horrible for my sister and I.

    They would lock me out as a teen when they would have parties and I would be on my own to find somewhere to stay. My younger sister got pregnant at 14 and got an abortion. At 16 she left home. Never finished high school or got a GED. Married an ex con. He now has a warrent out on him and they have lived in hiding for like 15 years.

    Answer by Gailll at 11:56 AM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • ive actually seen a family that swing'ed, and they seem'd happy but were not actually happy. they could enjoy bein with each other so they would swing. it was way gross!!!
    i would NEVER NEVER NEVER swing. i cant share my husband with no one. and if you are not comfortable you need to tell him. and if he still is emotionall blackmailing you either seek consoling (SP?) or just leave. if he cant just deal with just sleeping with you then there is something wrong wrong wrong

    Answer by sandraberke at 12:01 PM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • I could never do any swinging or threesomes or anything like that. Just the thought of watching a man that I love touching someone else drives me nuts....I'm not generally a jealous person, but when it comes to that, I am.

    If he can't respect that you feel that way, then I think it may be time to leave. This is not a minor difference, like he likes baseball and you don't. This is a fundamental difference of lifestyle, and can't just be ignored.

    I would talk to him one more time and try to get him to understand that this is just not your thing and it's not going to happen. Counseling is an option, as someone suggested, but if he really, really wants this, then nothing is going to change his mind, and the only option you will have is to leave. It's ok to like something, to fantasize about it, but completely wrong to try to blackmail or force someone into doing it with/for you. Good luck!

    Answer by tropicalmama at 12:07 PM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • Honestly, I have to agree with the other women, he is far from perfect as we all are. But you need to evaluate the situation, your husband should be your best friend, and when it comes to intimacy you should be on the same playing field, if you two were both in to it, then that's your thing, if he wants to swing more than an intimate relationship with you, you two may be on different paths. Just because a man has a polished reputation, doesn't mean he doesn't have some odd fetishes that he's going to want to fufill. The difference between that being ok and not being ok, is if you aren't both in to it. He will continue to take you to places that you aren't going to be comfortable going to and doing things you don't really want to do it will end up making you feel belittled, and regretful of your relationship.
    Good luck in what you choose to do.

    Answer by LilManCaiMommy at 12:08 PM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • Swinging can work if everyone involved is on board. This will not work for you if you don't want to do it. And chances are, if he's pressuring you like this, and with holding sex, he's already "swinging" without your permission.

    Now, if you can be okay with him doing it without you, then that can work. If not, then it's time to have a serious talk with him.

    Tell him everything you told us here, and tell him that you're afraid for your marraige. Tell him you understand that that is something he enjoys, but you've tried to like it for his sake and can't. Tell him that if he can't give it up then your marraige should probably be over. Unfortunately, sexual tastes don't often suddenly change, and he will always be into this and you will always not be into this.

    There's nothing wrong with him, you just have incompatible sexual interests. Talk it out, and, that failing, start discussing amicable divorce.

    Answer by Ati_13 at 12:09 PM on Nov. 12, 2009

  • You don't have to leave a great guy, just don't go to the swinging with him. He might find some threesomes to be a part of without you but if you can live with that then all is well. Just tell him to wear a condom. My SO is a dog and chases everything that moves but I'm not giving up the good parts with him bc of that one thing.

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:16 PM on Nov. 12, 2009