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Negative Comments from In-Law's

Let me see if I can make this as short as possible:
Prior to getting married a little over a year ago my husband worked out of state
We got married and pregnant on the same day
Husband came home to work locally 3 weeks before baby came (who came a month early)
As newlyweds and new parents - my next door in-laws have been very smothering
First 6 weeks after baby they came over at dinner time for 1-3 hours
Often had just gotten baby to sleep and they would actually try to wake up to get their baby "fix"
Argued with husband about daily visits and now they keep baby one night over weekend and little visits if any during week
MIL will constantly say something like "sorry to disturb you" when she calls the house; "sorry to intrude" when she comes to the house; or "glad I got to sneak over and see the baby" if during the week.
Please HELP - I feel like I could loose my cool at any point!!!

 
DebBel

Asked by DebBel at 4:04 PM on Nov. 13, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (7)
  • And as for actually HELPING you, DebBel, all I can offer is an ear. My DH and our son and I live with my parents, who are great but living near someone looking over your shoulder every time you change your baby's diaper can get exhausting, and I have a similarly pushy MIL, so I know what it is like to feel smothered! PM me if you ever want to vent.
    Iskkra

    Answer by Iskkra at 4:34 PM on Nov. 13, 2009

  • I'm sorry but where are the negative comments from inlaws that you mentioned? All I see are grandparents who want to spend alot of quality time with their grandbaby. There's nothing wrong about that. You can always mention that the baby is sleeping and you don't want them waking him/her up just now. If you find loving grandparents smothering you should try not having them at all. I would kill for parents who care for my kids that way. I think you should quit whining about something that isn't hurting anyone.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:11 PM on Nov. 13, 2009

  • No, it sounds like they're taking advantage of the fact that they live right next to you, and sounds like you're being smothered! I think you need to realize that there really isn't much you can do. I mean, you're next door neighbors. I think it's wonderful that they want to spend as much time with the baby as possible! Lots of grandparents make too many excuses NOT to see the grandkids. I think you should be thankful they're so willing to be there. I know you feel smothered but explain the them coming over at dinner time is unacceptable. Let them know how you feel about some things, but don't come off too harsh. Good luck :)
    mamie2shoes

    Answer by mamie2shoes at 4:19 PM on Nov. 13, 2009

  • Yeah, I don't see any negative comments at all...they actually sound kinda sweet. Give them time and they'll get over having to see the baby all the time. Living next door to them doesn't help. But maybe tell them when they should visit or not. I know what you are going through though. I went through this with my parents and have learned how to deal with them very well about this. Since I know they won't call before they come or If I get a feeling they are coming...I call them and say "Oh the baby is napping, didn't sleep well last night and I'm thinking of taking a nap also, so could you please not visit today"? Or set up when they can come when your husband is home and you take time for yourself. Good luck
    mamaada

    Answer by mamaada at 4:21 PM on Nov. 13, 2009

  • Sounds like the problem is not necessarily them but you not being clear about boundaries. Tell them how much you love that your baby can grow up with them nearby and that you appreciate them wanting to be involved, but be honest that you feel like it's hard to say no to them without having an explanation. It sounds like you are giving off a vibe that they are bothering you but not being clear in your communication. If you want them to call before they stop by all the time or at certain times of day, just tell them. If you want them to understand you would like time alone with your family, you need to tell them. It's not mean and you shouldn't have to explain those things. Perhaps invite them over so they aren't always in the position of having to ask. Let them know that you don't mind occasional drop-ins but that it makes you feel less anxious when visits are planned. Whatever your boundaries are, identify & communicate them
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 4:22 PM on Nov. 13, 2009

  • I understand where you are coming from. Rational people would understand that the first few months of a new family's life is important, and even though help is appreciated and often wanted, it ought to always be invited, not forced upon a new family. I see where you think the comments are negative - it is as though they are pointing out that they KNOW you were upset about their constant visits, but are being passive-aggressively snippy and condescending about it. Its a problem to have to make someone understand that they ARE welcome, but only to a point, without hurting their feelings. My MIL does the same type of thing - when I or DH tells her that we are busy, she will make a big deal about "how long its been since she's seen our son" the next time she does see us (even if its only been a week or two). There really is not much to say to it, just grin and bare it, till you can move a bit further away!
    Iskkra

    Answer by Iskkra at 4:24 PM on Nov. 13, 2009

  • And to those who are saying that they are not being passive-aggressive or negative -think about it. Every day visits for six weeks? During dinnertime? Waking the baby? BIG no-no's that any rational person would understand. And after they stopped that, ff they still get to see the baby once a week for an entire day, and are still saying things like, "Glad I got to sneak over..." they are being pushy. And rude. Its passive aggresive. Period. They ought to understand that a new family needs alone time to adjust, and not be pressured into "entertaining" while trying to simply get used to being a family, and get to know eachother, and create some happy new memories. It sounds to ME like these GPs are putting all of their happiness eggs in someone else's basket - their son's. Not healthy for anyone involved.
    Iskkra

    Answer by Iskkra at 4:30 PM on Nov. 13, 2009

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