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Answers / Parenting / Adoption

Adoption is a wonderful option......people keep saying that. Is it really for EVERYONE?

For families who adopt, I agree that adoption is a blessing for them. It is a way for them to fulfill their desire to raise children. But, why do people keep telling pregnant women in unplanned pregnancies that adoption is so wonderful, especially people who have never given one of their children away and don't really know what it feels like? For most birth moms, placing a child for adoption is anything but "wonderful." Do people assume that it is either abortion or adoption, and if they praise adoption, and say abortion is murder, that a mom will not choose abortion? Is THAT what makes adoption a wonderful option, because it is not abortion? There is nothing "wonderful" about adoption if you are placing your child for adoption, in most cases. Many moms choose between parenting and adoption, so is adoption STILL the wonderful option for them?

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Southernroots

Asked by Southernroots at 12:17 AM on Nov. 14, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,433 Credits)
Answers (60)
  • Could it really feel any worse knowing your child was adopted by a loving family, and out there alive and being well-kept for than it is knowing your child is dead and never had a chance at life? Obviously nobody is going to go through the ridiculous hassle of adoption if they weren't going to love the child, right? But, to spell it out, neither are are as wonderful as the first and best option, and that is raising your own child yourself, and raising them with love and determination to provide to them. If you don't want children, it's best to be on birth-control. Problem solved tremendously right there.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:27 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • Adoption can be wonderful, depending on the situation. There are MANY, MANY cases of unplanned pregnancies where the women choose on keeping the baby and raising him/her and then sometime down the road it gets too hard. Just read the newspaper on a regular basis. So many children are abused and/or murdered by their own parents. Those kids would have been much better off going to a family who really, really wants them. I know not all adoptive parents are perfect, but the bad ones are not common.
    The sad thing is the big news stories are only what we hear. There are probably hundreds of thousands of children who are neglected, abused, molested by their own parents that we never hear about.
    So in short, yes. Adoption is wonderful when compared to abortion. And yes, adoption is wonderful when compared to an inept mother trying to raise the baby.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:04 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • "Could it really feel any worse knowing your child was adopted by a loving family, and out there alive and being well-kept for than it is knowing your child is dead and never had a chance at life?"

    It depends on lots of factors, and you are making many assumptions. First, not all moms know that the loving family these chose will turn out to be good parents. Aparents do not escape all the difficult life issues many people face. They may divorce, develop substance abuse problems, have financial reverses, illnesses and all the other factors that could affect how they parent. Second, if your child was adopted by someone, that doesn't necessarily mean that it was saved by adoption from abortion. Not all expectant moms consider abortion. Third, you are assuming that all women feel abortion is murder and killing their child. Not everyone believes that.

    I do agree that in most cases, the best option is to parent.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:08 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • Raising a child can be the most wonderful thing you have ever done in your life. But, both abortion and adoption are NOT wonderful for a woman making one of these decisions. Either one may be the lesser of two evils for a woman and either one may cause deep pain and regret, depending on the woman and her beliefs. Parenting can be an amazingly wonderful experience, but adoption and abortion both may involve loss, grief and pain. And, for the record, many women get pregnant while using birth control.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:13 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • "Adoption is wonderful when compared to abortion."

    But, what about compared to parenting? How can adoption feel wonderful to a woman who loses her child that way? Or doesn't she matter? I am referring to newborn domestic adoption, not adoptions from foster care.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:17 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • ~sigh~ get tired of hearing how "inept" some of us ~might~ have been had we kept our kids. Those stories you hear of women murdering their babies most likely didnt have adoption on the radar to begin with! Doubtful they got pregnant & said "Hmmm, I dont really want this baby maybe I should put it up for adoption? Naw, let's just keep it & murder it!"
    How about those of us who went on to have other kids & raised THOSE kids just fine without murdering or abusing them?!?!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:24 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • Is adoption for everyone? NOPE I don't think it is.

    Is parenting for everyone? NOPE, I don't think it is, either. Just because someone has the equipment to procreate, sure doesn't qualify them to parent (case in point - a couple in my family - I tell DH quite often that stupid people should NOT breed... - another story, another day!).

    I also would quickly say - adoption isn't for the faint of heart. Not just everyone can successfully be a birth parent - I see the pain my daughter goes through. Moments in our son's adoption journey that I want to shout for joy but can't because my heart is ripping to shreds for her and her pain. Many here know I'm mom to both - both by adoption also. Also, not just everyone can be an adoptive parent. Often, it's NOT easy to be an adoptive parent - it is for me because it's who I am made to be but many struggle with the incessant questions, etc.

    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 2:05 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • con't

    Also, both moms (and dads possibly) have to deal with the insecurities and fears we as women and mothers have. In my experience, these fears aren't talked about - but the thought is there... "what if he loves 'her' more than me?" "what if 'she' doesn't think I'm a good enough mom?" etc. I worried a long time about being the perfect mom because my dd trusted her son with me. I felt I couldn't mess up. Then I realized she didn't want me to be perfect, she wanted me to the be mom to him that I always was to her. And she has the fears of what he'll think of her. I am careful to share what we talk about in reference to OUR son's adoption with both our son and dd so she'll know that he will always know she was his first mom. Not his real mom - we're both real.

    It takes, IMHO, a very secure woman to be involved in adoption. Or, should. Especially in the case of open adoption and in the cases of kinship adoption.
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 2:22 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • Yes, I'm the long answer queen, I think - lol

    But - for anyone who cares to read a bit more of my drivel...

    I also feel like on CM there are a ton of ladies who bash adoption. I have come to realize that many who "come off" as adoption bashers are really NOT trying to do that (though it's what they end up doing most of the time) - but really what they're crying out for is more resources for expectant moms. Resources to provide the means to parent - how to do it, how to make it financially and balance child rearing, how to train your child and all that goes with it.... support that their families often can't, or don't, provide.

    I would also say the impression I've taken for a long time is that those who appear to be adoption bashers are more against DIA, but don't often specify what type of adoption they're referring to.

    Again, those are my impressions & I've been way wrong before - and likely will again within the hour.
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 2:28 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • Speaking as a birth mother, I defend adoption. No it may not be for everyone, but consider this-If you had to choose between killing your unborn child and giving him/her a chance at life even if it's not with you, what would you choose? I know it's a different situation for every body. I had the beauty of having a couple that I'm very close with and consider my second parents to adopt my daughter, and I have the pleasure of getting to know her and watch her grow up and some day I will have the chance to sit down with her and tell her the truth of who I am and why she is with them. I am prepared for the "why?" and the tears and even the possibility that she may resent me at first but I'm ready for that.

    Proudbirthmom06

    Answer by Proudbirthmom06 at 4:43 AM on Nov. 14, 2009

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