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how can i forgive my husband for cheating?

I'm stuck and need help!
Three years ago(i know i should have gotten over this by now!) i found out my husband had been seeing a woman he works.He had been lying to me for some time about where he'd been going etc.i confronted him one night and he just came out with it.He said he still loved me but he loved her too and although we stayed together(largely due to my hard work and dedication) he has never said why he did it or shown much remorse for it.I had to actually ask him to apologize.
I feel i have moved on with my life,but the thought is still in my head that he could betray me again.I work a lot and try to fill my time up as much as possible so i don't sit and dwell on things but every time i'm on my own its all i think about.
What do I do?It makes me really sad to think that i haven't been able to forgive him.I love him very much so i should be able to let it go shouldn't i?


Asked by daisycat78 at 1:32 PM on Nov. 14, 2009 in Relationships

Level 2 (11 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • 1st ignore Gaill...she tends to post insanely judgemental commits on here. Who would WANT to be around a man who cheated???

    2nd...I can not even begin to understand the hurt and pain you have been through and are still going through. IMO there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. Absolutely none. If you want to cheat than you need to fix your realtionship or get out but respect the person you made a commitment to enough to not cheat. (not to you OP...just in general)

    I would suggest going to marriage counsling IF you want to save this marriage. It's unreasonable for him to think that you could ever be over this. If you DO NOT want to save this marriage than get out.

    You DESERVE to feel alive again...You deserve to be able to go to work without wondering if your DH is sleeping with someone else while your there. You DESERVE to be HAPPY!

    Do some serious soal searching. Figure out what you want and then MAKE IT HAPPEN!

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:36 PM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • um no. you should leave him & find your real soulmate.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 1:34 PM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • Knowing your dh loved another woman can't be easy. Many cheaters just want sex. What he had was more than that so it's easy to see how you are having a hard time of it. However, the more time you spend dwelling on the past the less time you spend enjoying him. That causes strife in the relationship and guess what that does...yep, makes some men turn back to the other woman. So in not letting it go you are giving her power over your life and potentially giving him an excuse to go back and whine to her that you just don't love and trust him anymore. Don't give her more power and control over your life. Don't let him react to your negative energy regarding this. Pull from your inner strength and push thoughts of the past away and enjoy the Now with him. If you don't he might stray again to find the peace he wants to have with you.

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:39 PM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • Could it be that you are equating forgiving him with trusting him again? You can choose to forgive someone immediately, but rebuilding trust in that person can take a very long time. Or is it the fact that he never asked you to forgive him that has you thinking you haven't? Forgiveness can be done by one person and that would be you. Restoration requires two people and that would have to include your husband, and I think it also means that he has to be truly sorry for what he did and for the hurt that he caused to you and to your marriage. If he hasn't shown you that, then I think that may be why you are feeling that you haven't forgiven him. Also, I think I, too, would be concerned that he might betray again if he wasn't truly sorry for the first time. So, don't be too hard on yourself. I think your feelings are probably very legitimate ones.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:48 PM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • I cant believe you forgave him for that!! DOnt get me wrong my hubby has been forgiven for many,many, many stupid things, but cheating?? NO WAY! I am all about working it out for the sake of the children and not letting the little things get in the way, but there is a line that needs to be drawn. Personally I think if he was going to cheat (and it sounds like more of an affair) than he probably will do it again. I would not trust that man at all. I hope you can figure things out and move on with your life. Find someone who respects you, you should not have to live your life worrying and wondering if and when he will do this again!!!

    Answer by KaRaBaSsEtT at 1:58 PM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • You forced him to apologize and can't forgive him. You think he may betray you again.

    You believe you are together because of your hard work and dedication. Yet, you work a lot and fill up your time.

    Why would he want to be married to you?

    You don't have to forgive him. You have to move on. Leave him or act like someone a man would want to be around.

    Stop working a lot and filling your time. Become a wife again.

    Answer by Gailll at 2:04 PM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • Yes Daisycat78...I am sorry you have to go through this alone but it is up to you if you do not have kids with him of course it is much easier to move on with out him no matter how much you love him. But it his mind he is probably thinking whew! I am glad that is over with she knows now. So it is only natural to feel this way from the sounds of it you sound like a very strong woman with a good head on her shoulders. If you have kids then see how long you can last like this if not make other arrangements and move on.

    I know a lady who's dh cheated on her they have a 10 yr. old together he cheated i don't know how many times but she says she stays with him bc of so many bills they have accumilated she cannot do this alone.  Do what is best for you and the kids. GL


    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 2:08 PM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • it's easy to say i shouldn't forgive him.I didn't think i'd continue to be with anyone after they cheated.But when it happens it isn't that simple.
    i want to be with him.I want to move on with my life.I work and fill my time because then i'm not getting on at him about it and making him feel guilty.I think if he'd shown some remorse it might have helped at the time.But even if he did now,i don't know if i'd believe him.I know it probably seems like i'm just whining about the situation.But i feel like i'm being held back by this big thing that happened that i can't get over.

    Answer by daisycat78 at 2:11 PM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • Have you address these issues with HIM? Tell him that you feel like he's not remorseful enough over it? That you feel like you've worked harder on this marriage than he has, that you've put more effort into it, and feel like he's coasting along?

    If not, you seriously need to address these issues, b/c this isn't a "your" problem versus a "his" problem, this is a marriage problem.

    Perhaps you should look into a marital counseling and making that a priority. Perhaps you need to lay on the line what it is you NEED from him to forgive him, to move past this for the sake of saving your marriage. It sounds like you've not done enough personal soul-searching to know what you need from him to start moving towards forgiveness. I would look at finding some books about affairs. There is one called "How Do I Forgive You?" You may want to try that it might help, you may want to get a copy of Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue

    Answer by moonbutterfly at 2:47 PM on Nov. 14, 2009

  • It gives a lot of tasks and things to do to really focus on your personal soul-searching aspect of knowing what's really wrong and where to go from here and that is super important, forgiveness, love, relationships, all these things are processes, they take time and work. And that doesn't just stop, it happens 100% of the time. You don't get to quit because you've "done your share." If he's not doing his share, its time to tell him to either put up or shut up.

    Life isn't easy, and it isn't cured, it's managed on a day to day process.

    Answer by moonbutterfly at 2:49 PM on Nov. 14, 2009