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Will I ever get over this loss?

We lost a baby at 29 weeks and had a c-section. We have and older son and younger daughter, she was our middle child. I still ache for another daughter even after having one... not to replace her, I don't know why.... Our healthy kids are a blessing and we believe that we will see our daughter again one day but I can't stop grieving her and the loss. It's been almost two years and we have a 7 month old daughter... I already want another baby, my 4th c-section. Will this ever stop?

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:59 PM on Nov. 15, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • I can't say that your hurt will ever stop, but I can say that I know how you feel, sort of. I had a miscarriage w/ my first child - I was eleven weeks, not nearly so far as you, but it still hurt. That was almost six years ago, and the hurt has dulled but I haven't "gotten over it". Every January (the month I would have been due) I silently celebrate what would have been my child's birthday. The pain still lingers... But do take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your pain - it is normal and expected. And remember that if you let the pain eat you alive, it will affect not only you but your family as well. Hang in there!

    Answer by Iskkra at 6:06 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • ((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))

    I also miscarried, twice, the first time with twins. I miscarried at home over a Labor Day weekend, 20 years ago. When I think about them, I am sad. But I also had the opportunity to see them and I know that they were real.
    Have you been involved with Resolve Through Sharing? It is a support group at some hospitals for parents who have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. If not, have you had any counselling? Either of those could help.
    The pain stays, but it lessens, I can say that through experience. Hold your children, hug them and remember that you are absolutely right that you will be reunited with the daughter that you lost some day.

    Answer by kjrn79 at 6:13 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • OP- No, I havent been to formal counseling.. i've talke to some people but maybe that is what I need....

    Answer by AshJoe05 at 6:15 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • sorry about your loss.
    You will always miss the child you lost. Having lots kids will never fill the whole you in your heart.

    What I think you made need is group therapy, with other moms that have lost a child.

    What my daughter did when she lost her baby (a few weeks along). She made a little angel statue that representative her baby and sent out prayer card saying to pray for her lose. That was very nice.

    Answer by gammie at 6:19 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my first pregnancy to m/c at the end of the first tri- so not as far along as you. Since then I have had three healthy children. However I always remember the child I lost and wonder who he/she would have been. It's okay to mourn- it's natural. You're a mom, she was your child, and you will always miss her. However if it's getting in the way of you enjoying the children that are here with you, it may be worth sitting down and talking some feelings out with a counselor or other understanding outside person. Have you connected with other moms who have lost babies? One of my greatest supports was on online group for moms who had lost pregnancies... eight years later and I still have many friends from that group. They understood where I was at in a very dark time. ((HUGS)) and so sorry for your loss. It is never right for a mother to have to mourn a child.

    Answer by Freela at 6:32 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • ((((HUGS))))

    Time does heal the ache. I lost a daughter in April 1989 at 26 weeks and even though I had 2 older sons and went on to have 2 more sons, I do still miss her from time to time but it's not as painful after 20 years. I do sometimes wonder and I do think that I would have a 20yo daughter but I do know that if I had had her I may not have had my other 2 sons and I can't imagine life without them.


    Answer by Anonymous at 8:48 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • That's true, If I never had Kadence I would not have my youngest daughter... whoa!!

    Answer by AshJoe05 at 9:35 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • My son died 10 years ago this chirstmas. He was 5 days old. After him I lost 2 others and have 2 more. So out of 6 pregnancies I have 3 living children. YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! I have not that is for sure, but you do learn a new normal. I miss Gabriel everyday, but I also know if I had not lost him I would not have had my 8 yo DS. He is a special joy in my life. I try not to ovre think it. it would brive me crazy. I don't mean to sound crass but it is just what it is and I have learned to deal with it. It took a lot of time to get here and I still have bad days.

    Answer by littleredpony at 9:55 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • I never have been in the situation you are in, and I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through. However, I did have a miscarriage back in 2007 and it was devistating. I have two children now that are ages 1 and 2wks, and I am soo happy I have them. Even though, it still hurts to think about my first pregnancy. I can't say that the pain will ever go away, but you'll just learn to cope with it. You'll learn to turn it into happiness and learn to accept it. I can't say that pain for anything goes away, but you learn to live with it and move on. It'll take time and it'll take a lot of hard times, but one day you'll come to an acceptance with it. I really hope you do come to accept what has happened, and know that it just wasn't meant to be. I know that doesn't help now, but I have found that believing that "It wasn't meant to be" has helped me accept my loss. All the best to you!!

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:43 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

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