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Looking for Adoption Advice

My dh and I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter who is now 5. We have a lot of love to share and would lie to expand our family. I have secondary infertility. After multiple miscarriages and failed fertility treatments, we are ready to explore domestic adoption. Can anyone advise me on where to start, what to expect, pros/cons of infant vs. older child, cost, recommend agencies, etc. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:35 PM on Nov. 15, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (11)
  • An adoptee I can tell you...
    -In the majority of cases, I do not feel infant adoption is an ethical practice. That's JMHO though and an opinion I didn't form lightly or without knowledge and experience about how infant adoptions *can* work and how it can affect all members of the triad both positively and negatively.
    -I do not support adoption through most private agencies. I have not found many to be ethical either. Certainly mine did not handle my birth mother in an ethical manner, nor did they prepare my adoptive family appropriately, nor were they at all helpful to me as an adult when I had questions. Research the agencies you've interested in and what they've been involved in politically and who they donate their money to before deciding.
    -I do not have much experience with state adoption agencies and foster care because I was not adopted that way but I have heard that going through the state (cont.)
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 6:53 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • is much less expensive and adopting an older child who is already relinquished and needs help, IMHO is better. Infant adoption through private adoption agencies can be as much as $30,000--last time I checked.

    I suggest checking your state's website (usually wwww.(yourstate).gov) and searching for adoption/child welfare/Department of Children's Services--titles may vary, so see if you can get involved in any state-based programs.

    Good luck!
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 6:56 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • When we decided to adopt, we initially looked into domestic infant adoption, but then changed gears and went thru the foster care system. We were told that we would NOT be able to get an infant that way, but God had a bigger plan. We chose the foster-to-adopt route (even though we knew that it might mean that the children would leave and our first one DID leave after 4 months, but our 2nd one DID stay.) We have had him since he was 6 months old. It takes a special person to "stand in the gap" for a child who is waiting for his/her famiy to do their plans, and also to receive them into their family if and when they become available for adoption. The fees are considerably less than domestic infant adoption (and in some cases, they are waived altogether). If you have any questions about it, feel free to PM me. Other than that, do a lot of research on all types of adoption before making a decision. Good luck! :)
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 7:27 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • Also, when we first think of adoption, we think of what we are "gaining". A child. However, in our training, we learned about loss and grief in adoption, because these children are losing their birth families. Gaining our family doesn't erase their birth families. Read all you can on adoption, because it's a very complex issue. You have to be prepared to raise the child knowing that they are adopted, for the child to ask questions, to answer honestly, to support him/her in their feelings. They may not understand why their first mom didn't keep them, etc. We really have learned a lot since we started this, and believe it has made us better parents that we would have been. I've learned a lot on CM also, listening to the stories of the women who have placed their children for adoption. So learn as much as you can while beginning your journey. PS-Heed NovemberLove's advise to look into an agency that is ethical if you do DIA.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 7:42 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • international adoption is a terrific option and ranges from $18,000 - $45,000, depending on country, agency and other factors. SO many children wait. rainbowkids.com is a great site with a photolisting of kids that need families now.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:54 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • Also, when we first think of adoption, we think of what we are "gaining". A child. However, in our training, we learned about loss and grief in adoption, because these children are losing their birth families. Gaining our family doesn't erase their birth families. Read all you can on adoption, because it's a very complex issue. You have to be prepared to raise the child knowing that they are adopted, for the child to ask questions, to answer honestly, to support him/her in their feelings.
    ---------------
    Gosh it feels nice to read something like that from an adoptive mom. Can you tell that to my adoptive mom? :-)
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:28 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • NovemberLove, Doodle is one of the most awesome, ethical, honest, and loving adoptive mommies on here. Just thought I would add that :)
    stillamom1213

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 1:11 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • stillamom is on target
    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 2:39 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • I would research and discuss with your husband about what type of adoption seems to work for you. Is maintaining your child's status as eldest important to you, etc.

    I am personally not a fan of DIA, but that's just me, and my opinion :)

    It's really possible that you begin down one path and find on your journey that another type of adoption better fits your family :)

    We've adopted from foster care - and are very committed to the institution but it's not for everyone. I'd also spend some time, as DPF mentioned, learning about the loss and grief involved. Also, learn from those who've been there about the emotions that are part of the journey - for all members of the triad. IMHO, trying as much as possible to "put yourself in the bmom's shoes" goes a long way toward understanding the other side of the picture.

    Best of luck to you, whichever path may be the one you travel. :)
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 3:47 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • There are many children available through Social Services that are waiting for adoption.

    www.adoptuskids.org
    www.davethomasfoundation.org
    www.mare.org

    motherofhope98

    Answer by motherofhope98 at 7:26 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

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