Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Adoptive Parents:Do you feel hated by birth parents?

An anonymous poster has told me that I could be hated by birth moms here on CM. If I were to get to know them better, that I would find myself "hated". Seriously? Are there those who personally feel hated? Are there "reasons" to personally hate someone here?

Answer Question

Asked by doodlebopfan at 10:29 PM on Nov. 15, 2009 in Adoption

Level 20 (9,525 Credits)
Answers (67)
  • My mom adopted my cousins baby. my mom died and now i'm adopting that boy (he's 5 now). From my experience (and i was never close with my cousin) i do not hate birth parents. not at all. I think birth parents need support and understanding. Whatever they did, they had to make one of the toughest choices anyone could ever make.

    Answer by outstandingLove at 10:36 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • I can't say that I feel hated by anyone here. We may (and do) disagree at times, but we're allowed to do that. I may rub some amoms the wrong way at times, too. A few times I've PMd with someone and we've been able to clear things up. I think we all feel strongly about our opinions, although I hope we can still listen and consider other points of view. No, I don't think there is any reason to hate anyone.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:52 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • I would like to PM the anon poster that I am rubbing the wrong way, but I can't. :(

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:57 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • DBF I think there are a lot of moms on here who like you and appreciate you :).

    Answer by miriamz at 11:00 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • I have told DB that I appreciate her several times. Some amoms are so hyper sensitive that if you say one negative think about adoption, they consider it a personal attack. I admit some of the amoms, especially those who post anonymously bug me at times. I may hate what some of them say at times, but I do not hate them. I don't really know them. When your children or someone else does something you don't like, you can hate what they did, but you don't hate your children, right?

    Besides, I do not like or dislike people based on whether they are adoptive or birth parents, white or black, Republican or Democrats. I judge people on what THEY personally do, instead of one facet of who they are. I am very fond of some of the adoptive moms on here, others not so much. But, I can have different opinions on issues and still like someone as well. Anonymous posters who hide to say nasty things do not deserve time or attention.

    Answer by Southernroots at 11:59 PM on Nov. 15, 2009

  • Yes, there are indeed birth moms everywhere who have been so hurt and harmed by adoption, they make adoptive parents the enemy. In some cases, adoptive parents really are part of the problem--but not ALL (and probably not most). It is wrong to generalize everyone into one group.

    I am involved in adoptee rights and with various groups across 3 different states. I interact with hundreds of individuals of various positions within the adoption triad on a daily basis. I've had to stand up for my adoptive parents to my own birth mom friends on several occasions because the generalizations and misplaced, projected anger got out of hand.

    Yes, saying that you are an adoptive parent on CM might get you a nasty comment here or there but birth mothers are occasionally treated the same and hey, someone made an ignorant comment to me as an adoptee the other day. It goes all the way around.

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:23 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • *now not all, and certainly not most birth mothers are that way. But there was a point in time where I stopped coming to the adoption section of CM because every time I could come here I'd see someone saying something nasty about another group. It comes and goes in waves I guess and I'm probably more aware of the issues between triad members and perspectives because of the sensitive legislative work I do regarding very sensitive issues surrounding adoption.

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:26 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • I've experienced more venom on CM than ever in my life for being an adoptive mother. I never realized how full of hate and anger that some are. For the most part, I've just said - "Wow, their anger and pain sure spews on everyone around them...." but it took me a while to get there.

    I've seen some birthmothers be so deep in their pain that they do lash out at all adoptive parents. Many, many, many times. It's kind of sad, really. Almost like they "blame" the adoptive parent for their loss.

    DBF, I know it has to be frustrating to have such a personal attack. I've felt personal attacks many times and it's caused me to avoid CM and just become so very frustrated. When it's someone hiding behind Anon, it's even worse.

    Maybe my perceptions have been inaccurate, and my skin isn't typically very thin but there is a lot of anger and malice from one "side" to the other. And it's not always one sided :(. Sad, sad stuff.

    Answer by AAAMama at 3:28 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • It sucks to be attacked in public OR in private on these forums. I've been there too. I've come to believe those individuals just want me to shut up, and move on. They get very defensive if you speak out against bad practices and policy and even bad personal experiences in adoption.

    Sometimes I do have to take a break from it. But- have no doubt I'll be back to speak my truth. I will never be shamed or bullied into silence about my experience in adoption ever again.

    Answer by adopteeme at 5:19 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • I find it very ironic that some ladies in this post feel THEY have been bullied. It is one thing to speak out about YOUR experiences (that is fine) and then there is tainting a beautiful second chance for children who wait, and causing potential parents for THEM to run the other way. I think the latter has happened here on cafemom WAY TOO MUCH. People need to move beyond their selfishness and see the big picture. Millions of kids desperately need families to take them home and get them out of government care!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:06 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Adoption
Looking for Adoption Advice

Next question overall (Just for Fun)
Diaper Fairy!