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Do you believe that if a specific EWCA decides to parent, that there will be no children in general that need to be adopted?

I wonder if AP/PAP's believe that when a specific (or anon) expectant woman considering (DIA) adoption decides thru education, or other's stories, or her own inner-strength that she wants to parent the child that SHE is pregnant with (therefore NOT relinquishing for adoption) that it means that there are less chances that they personally will adopt? Do you see a EWCA choosing to parent as meaning that THAT child lost out on "a better life?" Or that YOU lost out on that child? Is there not another child out there for us? One who needs us more?

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doodlebopfan

Asked by doodlebopfan at 10:37 AM on Nov. 16, 2009 in Adoption

Level 20 (9,525 Credits)
Answers (37)
  • Doodle, most interesting question, should beintersting to hear, if ALL is answered with true honesty. I say this, because MOST times it SEEMS that a young couple whom wish to add to their family, feel as if only newborn infants is the ONLY way to do this.....instead of a child whom NEEDS someone/anyone to Love them, versus, a couple whom NEED to love only a newborn child, because they cannot for MANY reasons have a child on their own, BLESSINGS, ahead of time for ALL whom answer this whom have been in this situation, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:23 AM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • I will add a disclaimer & say that while we lost foster care placements that we thought might be available for adoption in the future, I have NOT had a failed or disrupted "adoptive placement", and cannot IMAGINE that type of loss as well. While it may not be EXACTLY the same loss as a birth mother placing her child, I believed that if it wasn't "this" child, I could STILL have HOPE that another would be coming. I also believed (and still do) that God had a specific child for our family, so I could wait for him/her. I don't judge any mother, whether they have placed, chose to parent, had an abortion, has infertility and is hoping to adopt, or DOESN'T have infertility and is hoping to adopt. But just wondering if my question is a "belief" or "fear" that AP's/PAP's have had? Maybe they did at one point & changed their minds. Maybe they are wondering it right now, because things "seem" hopeless & the waiting is taking forever...
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:22 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • No. Not at all

    But I do feel that when a potential bmom is considering adoption and she is lied to, it is wrong and that is what is happening on cafemom.

    In an attempt to offset the positive adoption stuff that is "anticipated" that a woman will hear, there is a counter attack that contains lies and manipulation which is much more vile. The invented “statistics” and the invented “syndromes” and the overwhelming “reminders” that Aparents can be child abusers, deviants, suicide candidates, bankruptcy and divorcees, etc etc. are over the top.

    Yes, aparents are human and you should leave no stone unturned when it comes to both making the decision and then choosing the couple.

    Adoption should be a last resort to parenting in 99.9% of cases but if you have "right" on your side, there shouldnt be the need to lie and that is what I feel the most when I see posts like that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:49 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • Usually unless we are talking foster care, PAPS are not "saving" a child from a life of abuse & despair if the EWCA keeps their baby. But that is what some want to think. So its not ok by some to mention that PAPS are just like everyone else (could divorce, be alcohlic, go broke etc) but its OK to say that if the baby stays with its own mother by birth that she might abuse, neglect or kill it. Why cant EWCA be "just like PAPS" then? Why cant it be mentioned that a EWCA who keeps her baby might go on to get a masters degree, buy a large home, afford a vacation in Cancun AND parent her baby?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:55 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • But its OK to say that if the baby stays with its own mother by birth that she might abuse, neglect or kill it.


    NO, THAT IS NOT OKAY AND NOT ACCURATE. WHO IS SAYING THAT? NO ONE! . Two wrongs do not make a right.


    Why cant EWCA be "just like PAPS" then? Why cant it be mentioned that a EWCA who keeps her baby might go on to get a masters degree, buy a large home, afford a vacation in Cancun AND parent her baby?


    Nothing is wrong with that, but that is not what is being objected to. It is the slamming of potential aparents that I am commenting on. You can tell a bmom she can be the next president of the US if you want, as long as you are not accusing me of being a potential child abuser in the process. .

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:17 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • It's said many times here & elsewhere that its so great when someone adopts an infant because they are SAVING that baby from being abused or neglected.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:21 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • I get this all the time as an adoptive parent "he's so lucky you guys adopted him" WHAT!?! My answer is WE ARE LUCKY! I was not being Mother Theresa and saving a child by adopting him. He didn't need saving at all. He had a young mom who loves him very much and wasn;t able to parent and chose adoption. He was not in danger, she was not a drug addict it was exactly the opposite. The only way he was saved is by still having his birthmom in his life! As for the original question, No, I don't think a child an EWCA chose to parent lost out on a better life, just a different one. And Yes, that means there is one less baby for us to adopt but it also means that baby wasn't meant to be with us.
    lilsweetpea708

    Answer by lilsweetpea708 at 4:03 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • Just means it wasn't meant to be...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:14 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • **But I do feel that when a potential bmom is considering adoption and she is lied to, it is wrong and that is what is happening on cafemom...there is a counter attack that contains lies and manipulation which is much more vile. The invented “statistics” and the invented “syndromes” and the overwhelming “reminders” that Aparents can be child abusers, deviants, suicide candidates, bankruptcy and divorcees, etc etc. are over the top. **

    The "respectful" part of me wants to say I'm sorry for saying this, but in all honesty, I am NOT sorry for saying that, in my opinion, you can take these statements and shove them! And yes, I know , this is going to come on my last answer about trying to understand each other and come to common ground, and I'm willing to take such reminders and accusations for this one . . .

    Over the top? Have you ever in your life, been a first mom who trusted the aparents to love care and give...
    bellacocco

    Answer by bellacocco at 9:55 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • ...everything to your child, as they promised over and over again they would, only to learn later that your child was abused in the worst of ways. Have you ever had to live with the knowledge that your son inherited a severe case of asthma and was denied his inhaler, the very thing he counted on to keep him alive, because he upset his amom? Have you ever had to look in your child's eyes and see the affects of a childhood of abuse and neglect, of being left at home with nothing, no food, no money, no way to get to school and back, all because your child "angered" his amom? Have you ever had to find some way to live with yourself knowing you wanted to keep your child but didn't because you were afraid of hurting the feelings of the very people who abused, mistreated, neglected, and did all BUT love and care for your own child, your own flesh and blood, a part of you that can never be replaced?

    Have you lived through...
    bellacocco

    Answer by bellacocco at 10:00 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

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