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Deflecting onto me

My dh and I have been married only 3 years, however, he was married once before for 12 years and was with her for a total of 15. Somehow, she was able to "mold" him to be exactly what she wanted, and with that came some verbal scoldings from her. So the first year of our marriage I notice him talking to me in a strange way, as if what he was talking about didn't fit who he was talking to. I've finally come to the conclusion that when these strange conversations happen between us, I honestly think it's him "deflecting" the way he was spoken to by her, onto me! Ever heard of this phenomenon before?

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:28 PM on Nov. 16, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • Wow, she did some damage, but it happens, I've been damamged by some relationships (not physical) and now have trust issues. I probably talk to my husband a certain way b/c of what I've been through.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:32 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • You mean he's "scolding" you?
    I'd have to remind him that I'm not her, and I don't expect the same things from him that she did.
    A friend of mine said when her boyfriend gets drunk he starts accusing her of things, and sometimes even calls her by his ex wife's name (his ex was a cheater who left him for another man).

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 5:43 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • lisa ann p- yes, he is "scolding" me, but, he's saying it in a way that seems almost as if he himself was once scolded for that very same thing. Does that make sense? It doesn't fit his character at all for some of the things he tries and scolds me for. He is an incredibly laid back passive guy and this just does not fit, which is why I question it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:53 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • Yes, it happens to children a lot and they grow up damaged over it. This is the first I've heard that a grown man does it ...unless his mom did it too

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:01 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • Oh my gosh, I am so happy that you asked this question. I dont think I have ever thought about it that much, but I am going through the same thing...
    My husband was with a girl for almost 7 years and she was a total controller... very very aggressive and bitchy all the time. That's so not me... but I see glimpses of the way he must have been with her every now and then.

    Answer by LovinMyMikayla at 7:48 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • Yep this has happened with my hubby. Makes me wonder what scars my ex left on me. He used to lie sometimes but he'd end up speaking the truth or id find out with out trying so...he's a bad liar and I've told him that. I've told him that he doesn't need to lie to me the way he did to her. He put all his pics of him and exes including her into a box and hid it from me. I told him this was weird because I have my pics of me and my exes in my photo album and i do not feel the need to hide it. I think he did this because he thought I would get upset about them. But I must admit she did teach him a couple things I'm glad she did or I wouldn't have given him the time of day like having poster girls up in not cool. And she also promoted the concept that watching porn with out me is not okay too. I've haven't caught him in any lies lately tho so he either stopped or got better.

    Answer by Tickledtrauma at 11:24 PM on Nov. 17, 2009

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