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Do you ever think that if apaps treat us badly, they hope we will vanish?

Most apaps are good people. But, I wonder if some lie and deceive us to make us go away, to not be part of their life. I know that some have admitted to wanted to "just get on with their families'". I wonder if this is sometimes what motivates them, when nothing was done on our parts. I'm just trying to figure out why some close adoptions, when there is NO cause. Blessings to all parts of the triad who contribute.

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Asked by stillamom1213 at 11:37 PM on Nov. 16, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (34)
  • I think that the motivation as to why adoptive parents close adoptions is- fear. They are afraid of their child loving their birth parents more than their adoptive parents. Inherently we know that there is a bond between mother and baby at birth and some moms panic (I think) and don't know how to "combat" that bond. So they try to extinguish it. Fear.

    Answer by hollyanne31 at 11:49 PM on Nov. 16, 2009

  • I closed our adoption after the birth mom started criticizing us on everything we did. We were patient with her but after 7 years of hate filled emails and criticism we cut off contact. I send pictures and a letter to her mother and she does not know where our new home is. I felt bad I know it was hard for her to give her twin sons up. It was also difficult having someone constantly bad mouth you over your parenting choices. I was tired of it. The boys did not want to see her anymore after she reminded them over and over how we were not their "real" parents. The boys know they are adopted they also know they are our real children and we love them. We wanted an open adoption but me spending 2 hours everyday dealing with the birth mom was getting ridiculous and I told her we were moving and would give her pictures and letter through her mom and I wanted nothing more to do with her.


    Answer by Anonymous at 12:15 AM on Nov. 17, 2009

  • ** I told her we were moving and would give her pictures and letter through her mom and I wanted nothing more to do with her.**

    Was this an infant adoption where you met her and formed a relationship; with her and made promises before she had her kids. If it was is this what you told her when you wanted her to pick you to be the mommy or was it only after you realized she coudl do nothing because the papers were signed that you finally felt the power to be able to tell your childs other mom the one who gave birth to them and trusted you exactly where she did and did no fit into now your child's life and what you would now allow as the one with all the power you took from her when you made your many promises to get her baby.

    doesn't it say a lot to see in real life the true examples of adoptive mothers who will say whatever they can to get their children and then weild their control with such evil intent after

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:30 AM on Nov. 17, 2009

  • Anon- you couldn't come up with a better solution than just closing the adoption? You couldn't have just more phone calls...or phone calls for one hour once a month? You couldn't have tried to have a discussion about what is appropriate....gone to mediation or a therapist? You shouldn't have to listen to badmouthing, but there are other ways of dealing with it than shutting her out completely.

    Answer by hollyanne31 at 12:30 AM on Nov. 17, 2009

  • I wonder if some amoms are lacking in the guts/patience/wisdom to deal with problems as they arise and then just close an adoption because they have had enough? Many people handle relationships that way, right? They ignore stuff until they can't stand it any longer and then they blow up. The amom above put up with bad behavior for 7 years? Why did she not try to do something sooner? Or maybe she did, or maybe she didn't know how.

    Hollyanne's right, there are many better options than closing an adoption. Open adoptions require lots of work, compromising and sometimes firm guidelines. Ignoring problems never helps.

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:46 AM on Nov. 17, 2009

  • Why is it every time someone tries to discuss adoptions closing we have to hear how someone is justifying closing theirs because of some "bad bmom" behavior? Not saying you child's bmom didnt act inappropriately but what about those bmoms who did nothing "out of line"? What about those of us who only got contact through the mail & then it vanished for no reason? How come we never hear from an amom who closed an adoption when the bmom did nothing wrong? WHy cant we hear some truthful bmom just SAY IT!?!?! Just SAY "I closed the adoption because I am selfish & didnt want to share anymore!" WHY cant just ONE of YOU who has done this be HONEST for one tiny second instead of coming up with justification!?!?!

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:58 AM on Nov. 17, 2009

  • Yes, I do think some few aparents look for any and every excuse to close an adoption, so they can carry on the pretense that their family is a "regular" family. They want to forget that there ever was an adoption, because adoption makes them feel different and they do not like that.

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:00 AM on Nov. 17, 2009

  • Stillamom: I thought the child that you placed is now a grown adult?

    To you or anyone else: At what point is your relationship with the child that you placed no longer the burden of their Mother? If my chld is a grown woman I think there needs to be a point where you stop blaming me if my child isnt looking for a relationship with you? Do you feel the parents are treating you badly by not forcing their adult child to have a relationship with you?

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:46 AM on Nov. 17, 2009

  • To defend the prior poster who after 7 yrs had to close:

    I have a wonderful open adoption with my older child's bmom. We went into our second adoption with excitement of having the same situation. We are only one year in and already we have had a situation where she put both her child and our older child in jeapordy and we had to end a meeting abruptly and consult our attorney about it. I wont be able to give her 7 years of this behavior.... it is simple as that. She has been warned but she thinks she knows better.

    I dont want to close the adoption and pray I dont have to (for my child's sake) but dont assume that the prior poster didnt try to do everything before she closed it.

    I remember standing on my soapbox lecturing about not closing adoptions... and then I realized how easy I had it. Dont judge until you walk in those shoes.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:05 AM on Nov. 17, 2009

  • To Anon 5:46, I am not blaming anyone. Yes, My daughter is a grown woman. This is just a question. Hollyanne seems to be able to see that. I am not fighting with any member. Just a discussion. Why do you feel so defensive?
    To answer your question: I blame her parents for not giving her any of the letters I sent, for moving without leaving an address, for not teaching her of me as she grew. We never spoke on the phone, I never gave input, sent emails. I never harassed them. it was just pictures and they sent me updates. Now, It is her choice not to have a relationship with me, but i feel if they had kept their promises we may have had a different outcome. that is JMHO. Which I am allowed to have.
    I was just looking for input. this is not about my daughter, but if you would like to discuss her further , please PM me. Blessings to you.

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 7:44 AM on Nov. 17, 2009

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