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Did your Adoptive parents encourage you to meet with your First parents?

I was wondering if the majority of Adoptees were helped by the A parents to find and meet their B parents or if they were either made to feel guilty , or discouraged from finding them. I know there are many that just don't want anything to do with them. I was just wondering what the dynamics were. I know it must take an incredibly loving a mother to start this reunion journey, and I was curious on how it was done. It must be very frighting for all involved. Thanks in advance for all answers. Blessings.

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Asked by stillamom1213 at 5:06 AM on Nov. 18, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (16)
  • I think most adult adoptees did their search on their own. In my situation and some other adoptees I have met we searched and some told their family later depending on how things went.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:56 AM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • My Dh mother has always discouraged him from looking she cries if it is even mentioned that he was adopted. He has never felt the need to find his birth parents but I think if he were to look it might kill his mother if she found out!

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:26 AM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • Anon 9:26 funny how they can guilt us out of our own needs.
    I can honestly see my amom holding her chest like redd fox and stumbling backwards and claiming "it's the big one"

    but she's also been known to tell me on many occasions that I am not 'real'. She could twist it to fit her need at any moment.

    I never told any of my afamily that I had found, been rejected, and then reunited. I walked away from amom with the message that blood DOES count- and the knowledge that we couldn't speak any deeper about emotions and feelings than the weather report of the day. Sad but true.

    Answer by adopteeme at 9:38 AM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • I hope it's okay if I answer, even though I'm not an adoptee. My daughter's birthfather is known (name), but we've never had contact. When she is grown, we will help her locate him if she is interested (as well as other birthfamily on his side). My son's bfather is unknown, but we've only had contact with his bmom. When he is grown, we'll help him contact his other bfamily on her side.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:04 AM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • I have 5 kids gave birth to 4 and have a step daughter that is 10.She calls me mom , her biological mother is majorly addicted to drugs.Has been all my s.d.'s life.My step d.'s bio. mom doesn't feel like other moms.I tried to help her a couple brief times and she never stayed clean completely ever.She chooses drugs over her child.I know this sbject very well.My s. daughter loves her and would like her mom to get better, she know's other family members have had substance abuse problems and seeked the appropriate help for their own addictions.So she knows her has a choice.(she is wise beyond her years) I tell her how lucky I am.So she knows I love her.I also tell her when she needs to talk about it, that I wish her mom would also get help to get her life together so they could have a relationship.We tell her the facts/ truth and when she is older can make her descisions wisely for her future.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:44 AM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • My son was over 30 when he searched for me, so his amom was not involved in the search. However, she had already gone through her older son's reunion, and was supportive of my son's efforts to search and reunite with me. She has been nothing but supportive and kind to me. I think if she had not been, he might never have searched for me.

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:04 PM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • I adopted 3 daughters and actually found the bfather for one because that was her wish. Their mom died shortly after they were placed in our home. It's to important for them to know all of their family if at all possible. As their amom I feel very secure in my love for them and their love for me. It's natural for them to want to know more. I've told the other 2 that if they ever want to find their bfamily to let me know & I will help them as well. In my case they had been removed from bmom due to abuse issues so I was careful when checking out the bdad.

    Answer by baconbits at 12:46 PM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • From what I can piece together the search was not even an idea. I do not know the A/P at all, the bio father pushed the contact into motion by sending out a PI, it ended badly for ALL.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:34 PM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • My adoptive mother (mom) consistently expressed her support and hope that one day (if I wanted to) we would find my birth mother so that she could "thank her". Never once while I was a child did I ever sense any reluctance or worry from my mom about a potential reunion.

    When I did initiate my search - in the last year - and went to my mom to request that she also fill out the paperwork to receive what non-identifying information was available to adoptive parents from state files I was surprised a bit at the less-than enthusiastic response. She of course filled out the paperwork and said nothing negative but also nothing supportive or positive was offered.

    I try not to read too much into it. I've learned a lot from birth moms of the closed era who had not really given much thought to reunion and then needed a lot ot time to process when it came. I think that the same is true for my mom - she's processing.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 4:00 PM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • Indeed. They even sent me overseas for the summer to live with them. :P

    Answer by Mei-Ling at 6:10 PM on Nov. 18, 2009

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