Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

As a BSE mom, do you believe your opinion is irrelevant in a discussion about current adoption?

I get sick of people saying that because my son's adoption happened many years ago that I am not up on current adoptions and adoption practices. As a mom with grown children, I have had the time in the past 8 years since reunion to thoroughly study adoption, including conferences, retreats and other adoption related events. In addition, I have read extensively.... books, articles and blogs. Many of the birth moms that I know well are young moms in open adoptions. Just because my son's adoption was many years ago doesn't mean that I do not understand how adoptions function in 2009.

Answer Question
 
Southernroots

Asked by Southernroots at 7:21 PM on Nov. 18, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,433 Credits)
Answers (42)
  • Well you are right in that your opinion matters. While adoption may look different (in some cases) compared to adoptions a decade or more ago....it doesn't mean that the feelings and responses of those involved have changed. I believe that the loss and grief a birthmother goes through today is the same as the grief and loss birthmothers had prior to current adoption practices. The fear adoptive parents have and the concerns they have are just as strong today as they were years ago. And of course the feelings and responses an adoptee has to what has happenedto them, an action (no matter how loving) that was done to them, doesn't change because the practice of adoption and the process may look different.  I guess my point is the pychology of adoption, IMHO, is the same even if the practices are different.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:12 PM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • Not sure. What is a BSE mom?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:21 PM on Nov. 18, 2009

  • BSE = baby scoop era
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:23 AM on Nov. 19, 2009

  • Baby Scoop Era-from after WW2 till around the mid 1970s.Though there are dates it also involved an era of profound shame.placed on unwed mothers.Unthinkable a unmarried woman would keep her baby.Maternity homes owned by adoption agencies flourished girls ,like me, were kept. there There was very limited access to the outside,phone calls were very very limited,even as a legal adult where you could go was limited, cars,checkbooks and more were not allowed.At delivery you were in the special room where all staff knew your status and was free to moralize.Once again no phone accesstill after adoption papers were signed.Not even the slightest concept of open adoption .As the stigma of sex outside of marriage dwindled and these people grew older and more women kept their babies these homes disappeared.It was baby scoop because babies were scooped away from their mothers without considering the mother could raise her child.cont

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 12:43 AM on Nov. 19, 2009

  • Southerroots do you have more to add?Frogdawg ,thank you.That is how I feel.You have said it so well there is nothing for me to add.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 12:49 AM on Nov. 19, 2009

  • Yes, your opinions matter. Did I believe that a year ago? Honestly & humbly, Nope. I wanted to believe that open adoption was the answer for the pain & anguish that I was hearing from birth mothers across the board. Then there were the OA's who closed. I justified this by saying that not all AP's would do that, (and not all would), but learned it's like tossing your child out to the crowd, & hoping where he lands, that he'll be with ones who WILL keep their promises. Then there were the OA's who were open, & yet the mother's sense of loss/grief/shame kept HER away from the OA, later to return & be blessed (wink). Then there were/are the open adoptions today where everyone is sending their letters & pics & meeting 1-4 times a year & keeping promises, yet still the loss and regret is there. Am I a hypocrite? Yes. I am thankful that we are parents thru adoption. Adoption is the answer sometimes for some, but not always for all.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:27 AM on Nov. 19, 2009

  • SR., Good question;) I , of course am not a BSE, Mom, but I do have a retorical question to yours:) " If a Mother and Father adopted a child today, instead of BSE, time...does it mean their LOVE for the child is NOT the same as those parents from that era? Those 2 statements, are hog-wash! I think it is borders ignorance to make such statements. I will continue my journey...for the soul purpose of allowing all to know, that it has happened...can happen...and will happen, until we create a united REFORM of the current system! So ALL and ANY of those whom cannot "stand' to hear me repeat it...SUCK IT UP...move on to the next reply, cuz I ain't goin anywhere:) JMHO, Blessings, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 10:04 AM on Nov. 19, 2009

  • ?Honestly & humbly, Nope. I wanted to believe that open adoption was the answer for the pain & anguish that I was hearing from birth mothers across the board. "

    Interesting that you should say that. When I started educating myself about adoption after reunion, I reached the conclusion fast that closed adoptions were cruel, inhumane and not the best way for an adoption to function. My opinion was based not only on how profoundly I was affected at reunion once I finally realized the enormity of my loss, but meeting so many others in such deep pain who were in closed adoptions, adoptees and birth parents.

    I kept probing, digging and searching for a better solution. I remember one night saying to my therapist (an adult adoptee) that I thought maybe open adoptions were the solution. She told me she didn't think so. In her experience as a therapist, she said that most open adoptions she knew about closed,,,,,
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:22 PM on Nov. 19, 2009

  • when a child was nearly 2 years old. She said she believed that open adoptions were too tough for most birth moms to manage. I needed/wanted a less painful option, but the more I found out about open adoptions, the less I believed that for a birth mom that they were much easier. In fact, in some ways, they are more difficult, depending on the woman. The fact of the adoption is always right there, in your face, in open adoptions. That being said, I still am in favor of them IF there must be an adoption, for the child's sake. But, open adoptions are STILL very painful for birth moms.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:27 PM on Nov. 19, 2009

  • Everyone's perspective if relevant but no one's perspective is all encompassing.

    I think the issue is often how someone put their perspective out there. I think that an Amom with a Open adoption can have as equally valid opinion because she is living and breathing it every day, as someone who is a bmom, but placed in a type of adoption that doesnt exist anymore.

    Not addressed to the OP: but we run into problems when we push that our personal perspective is more valid for whatever reason.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:39 PM on Nov. 19, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN