My ass of a DH (and I don't mean Dear Hubby)

DH and I don't fight much, just this big blow up where you get blasted with everything he has been annoyed with for the past 6 months. This time, he bitched about the playgroup that I joined so that DS and I wouldn't be so isolated. He bitched about the house not being perfect. Apparently, he thinks I just lie around eating bon bons and heading out to play dates all day every day, which pisses me off to no end. I love being with my DS and getting to see him grow and develop, but my job doesn't end at 5 like his does. We go to playdates 2x/week, for me & DS. I'm hurt that he would be perfectly happy for me to stay home, be depressed, get fat, clean and iron, and wait for him to come home and regale me with his wonderful work life. Why begrudge me something besides cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and laundry? After the fight, he says he was just mad, but I'm pissed and feel like he trashed my joy. How would you handle this?

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Asked by JawgaMom1 at 7:46 AM on Nov. 19, 2009 in Relationships

4475 Level 17

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Answers (14)

From an objective standpoint, seems like a difference of opinion/miscommunication. Really does sound like he was just blowing off steam and picked a bad subject. Sounds like you want his encouragement and support. So... what you both are NOT saying is a little more important it seems... Invite him to pitch in on whatever you can't get to while you are taking care of X, Y, and Z along with your son, and mention how important socializing is to not only you but your son. Isolation kills baby monkeys - it's important.

Answer by figaro8895 at 10:36 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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I think you should talk to him about it now, dont let it fester then explode on your annual 6 month fight. Address the issue, let him know how he made you feel. He says he was just mad, but there must be some underlying issues. Dh and I rarely fight also, but thats because if he or I do something the other doesnt like, we let it be known right then and there. We dont let all the anger and hostilities build. Sometimes if I have trouble comunicatin verbally, I send DH an email. It lets him know how I feel without worrying about him blowing up at me right then and there. He has a chance to think about what I said, then act accordingly. Also because its not a in the the moment slap in the face, we are able to talk about it calmly and resolve it without blood shed. GL!

Answer by cassie_kellison at 7:55 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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LOL! Been there! It took a few years for my hubby to see that it's not all fun and games being a sahm. Maybe one day when your ass of a dh has the day off, let him stay home with your ds.
I'm sure you already pointed out that your job is 24/7, right? You don't get vacation time, no weekends off. No sick leave. When we used to get into fights about this sort of thing, I'd lose it. We would have huge fights. (I tend to throw things) After a while, he learned. Besides, he's not a neat freak, either. So he has no reason to expect me to be.

Answer by Raine2001 at 7:57 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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I would try to figure out what is really bothering him. I don't think it's just that you are going on playdates. I think it might be that he feels you pay more attention to your child than you do to the father of the child. He may not even realize that's what his problem is, but it's a common one. Husbands get used to having their wives' full attention, and then when the babies come, he finds himself pretty much displaced in her affections, and he doesn't like that at all. He can't say that, even if he knows it, so he finds fault and picks at every other little thing he can find. If you can't find some time just for him having two playdates a week, maybe you could cut it back to one just so you can have more one-on-one time with hubby. If you decide to do that, be sure you tell him that you are doing it and the reason is so that you can spend more time with him. The griping will likely stop pretty quickly.

Answer by NannyB. at 8:01 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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Wow, what an @-hole! My husband is a lot of things, but he really supported me about the playdates, he should be happy for you and DS. Don't let him rob your joy you keep living everyday doing all you can with your son and enjoy your time together. He's probably upset b/c he's at work and can't spend time like that with you and son.

Answer by MommaRox4683 at 8:07 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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Arguments between people in a relationship should have basic rules. No name calling. Keep to the specific subject. and no bringing up past complaints. When one spouse starts breaking the rules, the other should refuse to continue and should leave the room. It looks as though the two of you could benefit by some talking with your religious adviser or a counselor.

Answer by Bmat at 8:09 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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We only go on play dates when DH is at work. But, that was the other thing that he faulted me for, needing time away from DS. I have gone about 1x a month for some me time, either shopping, or to meet friends. I told him I need some time where I'm not constantly having to be double minded by being interrupted or having to worry what DS is getting into. I also told him I would love that time to be between just he and I. He doesn't understand why I would need ANY time away from DS. I get it that he loves being a Daddy and loves family time. I love it too, but there isn't anything wrong with needing some down time. Maybe you're right, NannyB, he doesn't know that he needs it too!

Answer by JawgaMom1 at 8:12 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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i think sometimes men get jealous because they would like to be the ones staying home..they dont know what you really do. They hate getting up and driving to work and driving home and dealing with people. Just let him know that you appreciate him and maybe he wont get that way

Answer by shay1130 at 8:16 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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my hubby stayed home for a year. he knows how it is. im the type that bottles things up and lets them explode. i cant help that i do it. its just somethings dont bother me until other things pile on top, and then i remember. maybe thats whats going on with your hub. talk to him when you both are calmer, and maybe you can come to a conclusion.

Answer by mrsjosey1018200 at 8:49 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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My husband...when he's home on a day off or is able to come home early...lays on the couch! I have to ask him specifically to do things. He doesn't take issue with me asking at all...he just needs the direction.

On another note...many men think that it's YOUR JOB to be in the home 24/7 at their beck and call. They don't understand ALL that goes into being a SAHM! I would go one Saturday for a "me day" and get a mani/pedi and do some shopping and leave a list of all the little things you do during the day. Make breakfast for your son, play with him, care for him, make him lunch, do laundry, clean the bathroom, etc, etc.

Answer by SterlingLegend at 8:52 AM on Nov. 19, 2009
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