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20 yr old stole from us..what is he thinking

Hello Group, my son, who had been staying with me, stole two items from our home and pawned them. He was told to leave my home. That was my limit. That was almost 3 weeks ago and last night he called and I spoke to him for the first time. He acted like nothing was wrong. I, on the other hand, told him exactly how I felt and that the trust was broken and stealing (especially from your family) was a very big deal with repercussions galore. His attitude was "it happened and its over, I won't do it again, you got your stuff back so, why are you making such a big deal about it." This thinking is so frustrating to me! I can't change the way he perceives the situation, but I have to change the way I relate to him. With the holidays approaching my mother's guilt has been kicking in and I start vascilating, he will feel left out,etc. I have to remember that it's his choices put him in this position and i have all that i can tolerate.

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Asked by dsweet01 at 1:26 PM on Nov. 20, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (12)
  • Does he have a drug problem??? He may need to be in a treatment facility you describe the behavior of an addict! Sorry mom, I know it sucks when you think you raised them better than this!! Don't let your mom make you feel bad, stick to your guns, dear friend going through the same thing right now, you will be in my prayers!

    Answer by kimigogo at 1:30 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • Thanks for responding. I have asked him point blank. He tells me he smokes, but that he is not into other things. I can not necessarily go by what he says, so as far as finding parephenalia, or drugs of any kind in his stuff or my house, I have not. I know this will take tough love and I am finally ready to dish it out. I pray . I pray.

    Answer by dsweet01 at 1:43 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • Maybe you should ask him to take a drug test for you to prove it, um no warning, they sell them at CVS you need to ask for it they make one that test for everything from pot to meth, I don't want to alarm you, but stealing from the home is a huge sign of addiction, he may just be pretty smooth at covering it up. My dear friends son had a pill problem,,,, and it took the drug suprise test to discover it, message me privately if you want to chat about it more,, good luck!

    Answer by kimigogo at 2:32 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • My son doesn't live with me anymore. He and his wo friends just signed a 6 month lease yesterday and he was going for an interview for a job. The whole stealing things stinks of addiction to me too, so I don't know. If he is on drugs, the signs will start popping up again. Right now he says he is moving in the right direction. Time will tell.

    Answer by dsweet01 at 5:10 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • Good luck momma you have been on my mind all day!

    Answer by kimigogo at 8:41 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • Oh I can so understand what your going through!!! I don't know how kids/young adult think theses days? Everything is like it's no big deal. I think you did the right thing by telling him how you felt. If he should ever come to your home I wouldn't leave him alone untill your able to trust him again. If know what they say, if they do it once, then they'll do it again. I know it sucks because it's your kid. Just take it one day at a time. Enjoy the holiday with your family.

    Answer by housecat1965 at 12:46 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • the ONLY time i ever contemplated stealing from my parents was when i was deep in my drug addiction. I know there are very selfish people out there that will steal from there parents just for money. but most have something behind it. I wouldn't let him back into your house or give him money. if you want to help him offer him food or cloths. if he needs somewhere to say offer the car (if he's homeless it will sound nice) you don't deserve to get stolen from and he needs to tell you why he did it.

    answer my question maybe??? thank you so much

    Answer by Hali_Taylor at 11:10 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • Thank you all for answering. There is so much that I want to say to my son. Sometimes I get confused as to what to do. I am trying to not enable, not let him get away with, or wiggle his way out of things anymore. I feel like I hit a brick wall with him because he is taking this situation too litely and I feel anything I am saying to him is not making a difference. I can not change the way he percieves this or any other situation we have been through. Change has to come from inside. But he's my son and II am pissed because the siuation is such that I can not make this better so I can feel better. I'm the one who is suffering because I am so uncomfortable not rescuing him from this situation, even under the circumstances. For all I know, he may not be worrying to much about this at all. I pray. Thanks for listening- Happy Holidays

    Answer by dsweet01 at 7:51 PM on Nov. 22, 2009

  • Contrary to what everyone has said it doesn't have to be a drug addiction to have a child steal from you. In my case my daughter at 17 decided she wanted to buy some things she didn't have the money for so she stole from me. I never did find my jewelry. It can also be money he owes someone, gambling, etc. In my case I chose tough love and she ended up at juvie for a few weeks. Not what I wanted for my daughter but I figured if she would steal from me how long before she stole from someone else. Stand strong and don't let him sweet talk you. Yes he may miss out on family activities but if he would continue stealing he could end up missing out on more then a single Christmas/Thanksgiving. It could be several years worth behind bars.

    Answer by baconbits at 3:51 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • I have had the same problem with our 24 yr old recently. I called him. Told him he had 30 min to get home and talk to Dad and I or I would call the police and have him put in jail. He came in 20 min. Admitted what he did. Payed to get the pawn out the next day. Said he thought he could get the tools back before we missed them. We explained that wasn't the issue. If he ever wanted to be trusted in our home this could never happen again. If you really need something ask.

    Answer by annthomas at 2:30 PM on Dec. 2, 2009

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