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Have other prospective adoptive parents been lied to as well?

First off, I apologize for going anonymous on this one, but I want to give as much detail as possible (and know some will have some harsh things to say perhaps because it was Domestic Infant and had pre-birth matching).

My husband and I were matched with an expectant mom about two months prior to her due date. When the situation was presented to us, we knew that she had a history of drug use, however she had not used after the 1st trimester. We developed a relationship with this mom and felt she was being open and honest with us. We were especially excited because we were all very much on the same page about keeping the relationship open (yearly visits, phone calls, emails, etc) and developing "trust". A week after we met in person, I got the dreaded call that there were complications. The baby was born 7 weeks early and lived for only a short period of time . When I received the medical information it said she

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:52 PM on Nov. 20, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (29)
  • had been admitted with multiple drugs in her system and had been tested a few weeks earlier, also with many drugs in her system (which we were never informed of).

    I am still struggling with the anger I have towards the agency and towards this woman for deceiving us during this time. We did end up paying almost $4500 in expenses as well as enduring a lot of pain in preparation for a child and an ongoing relationship that seemed to be built with trust. And at the end of the day, it makes me scared to move forward with another situation.

    We hearabout birthmoms being lied to (and I agree that in most circumstances that is far worse), but I wonder if others have experienced things like this? And at the end of the day, I'm not sure wha the benefit of lying about this was (to receive more support, or afraid no family would have been ok with drug use?)

    Sorry so long, but venting my sadness seems to help heal the pain a bit
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:57 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • Oh what a sick agency, I am sure they were aware of this,,,I would get a lawyer honestly and see what you are entilted to, having lost a daughter shortly after birth, not because of drug use, but due to a fall prior to labor,,,it sickens me that someone would do this!!! I am so sorry for your loss, having stuggled with infertility and miscarriages and adoption proceedings, I cannot imagine your pain, but someone needs to take action against this agency,, how many other would be parents have been misled?? God Bless you!
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 3:02 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • I'm sorry for your loss.
    miriamz

    Answer by miriamz at 3:03 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • My sister and I are both adopted from different biological families. My sister has an older brother and sister who she never speaks to, and when all three of them came to my parents as foster children, the CPS never mentioned anything about abuse, just told my parents that they were "surrendered to the state." It wasn't until months later, after my sister's older sister tried to set fire to our house, attempted to hang our cat with a jump rope and tied my sister to a tree at preschool, that my parents were told there were some SERIOUS issues with the kids.
    So no, you're not the only one who has been lied to. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through though. (((HUGS)))
    But don't be afraid to try again!
    SarahLeeMorgan

    Answer by SarahLeeMorgan at 3:03 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • ANON, I am a First Mom, and I understand you asked for opinions from other perspective parents. I just wanted to say that I am saddened by the loss of potentially becoming parents. I , do think that this happens far more than any of us will probably ever hear about. I feel like the agency along with heer SW , would most definately have been aware of this. When I relinquished it was 23 yrs. ago, but I can tell you...EACH nd EVERY time I went to the Doctor, (weekly), she spoke to my Doctor after EACH visit, so I have NO DOUBTS they were well aware, and stole not only your dreams of having a baby, but your hard earned cash as well. Again I am sorry, please do not give up hope, if it is meant for you to be a Mom, you most certainly will be, Blessings, to you and your husband, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 3:13 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • Thanks CJ. I do hope that this wasn't anyones way of telling me I "wasn't meant to be a mom." I'd think there would be better ways to do that then to inflict that kind of pain. But I guess we'll just see....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:23 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • God Yes.... we are fortunate that our child is healthy but we discovered after the fact that a lot of what we were told were lies and there was definate drug use. Our child is fine now but is still very young so you never know what the future holds. We wouldnt change a thing and this is the baby we were meant to have, but we would have liked to have been prepared not find out after birth.

    IF you seriously think that the agency did not do their job and/or knew about this, You may have legal recourse against them. Google "wrongful adoption". It does not bring this child back but at minimum may allow you the funds to move forward again.
    I am sorry for your loss and I hope time heals your heart enough to try again..
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:30 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • Um yes I have been lied to as an adoptive parent by DSS and my girls birthmom many times. I have been a foster mother to twin girls for years and years and thought I knew everything that "everyone" else knew but when I went to sign the adoption petition this week there was information that was withheld from me and the girls. The sw kept giving me papers to sign and was yanking them right back as quick as possible. It was clear she didn't want me to carefully read and I have no idea why. There is no way anything on a piece of paper would make me leary of adopting them and she knows this but still the need for secrecy for some reason. I requested a copy however and she said she's see what she could do.
    Luuckymommy

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 3:38 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • Unfortunately, plenty of aparents are lied to by agencies. I have heard of agencies lying to aparents about whether the birth mom had named the child, serious issues that a child might have, whether or not the birth mom might want contact and many other things. Gladney has been sued multiple times for withholding info from aparents. I urge you to take aggressive action against the agency so that they will have some consequences, otherwise they will keep on doing these kinds of things.

    As for the mother of the baby who died, nothing anyone can say or do will likely be any worse than the guilt, shame, etc. that she probably already feels. After all her baby may have died directly due to her horrible behavior as a mother. That has to feel terrible. I do understand that she probably lied to you fearing you would back out, and she clearly did not want that to happen. That doesn't excuse her lying, but I offer it merely...
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 3:54 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

  • Oh no!!! I'm so sorry for the loss of this little one - for your misplaced trust - and I hope that in addition to being able to vent here that you have support so that you don't have to be Anon everywhere about this.

    As I was reading your details - when I read that there had been drug use but "she didn't use in the 1st trimester" my heart sank a bit. I've never been in that situation (on either end) but it seems to me more logical that a woman may HAVE used in the 1st trimester but when she found she was pregnant then tried to stay clean for the sake of the child. In either case, clearly there were concerns related to drug use and it sure would seem that the agency social workers would want to do what they could to have as much knowledge as possible throughout the remainder of her pregnancy about it.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 3:56 PM on Nov. 20, 2009

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