Answering Rude Questions

I often get asked very odd rude questions sometimes people are just curious and sometimes just rude and nosey. One of the things about being an adoptive mom means I have to teach my children how to answer these questions themselves by modeling it in my answers. Normally I am pretty good about telling people its none of their business without being totally rude in return. I guess my favorite is my oldest daughter, yes, I was 13 when she was born. But today we got a new puppy and I was there at the park with a new puppy which always gather a crowd, and one of the older kids and my 3 yr old and the obvious age gap, and a woman asked me "well just how many kids do you have?" Not thinking, I foolishly answered 7. "Oh, you didn't give birth to that many did you? No. "Well where is their real mom". I'm their real mom and I'm right here. Is there a better way to handle this so my kids don't feel so awkard?

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Asked by 7babies4me at 5:13 AM on Nov. 21, 2009 in Adoption

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That is so rude. Next time someone acts like that Id say "give birth?" "I thought the stork brought them?" lol but seriously someone like that doesnt deserve any explanation. I know you are the mother of your children but you also dont want them to be ashamed of being adopted. Unless they dont know yet that is...Just tell that person that Thank You and take it as a compliment that you are able to care for you kids and have them in your life. And what you said about being their real mom is perfect IMO GL

Answer by Steph319 at 6:25 AM on Nov. 21, 2009
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People really do that?!? OMG
You aren't required to explain squat to ANYONE - especially a total stranger. Work on not feeling awkward when you patently IGNORE their question or say "that's a private matter" or better let them know that it is an inappropriate (RUDE) question to ask a total stranger. JEEPERS!
Good luck in dealing with this....

Answer by auroragold at 6:46 AM on Nov. 21, 2009
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I am so sorry! I am a First Mother, and I hope you don't mind me saying anything, but I was just so appalled!!! I believe that she said that. People amaze me all the time with just how rude they will be. I would look her dead in the eye and tell her," I am their mother". I would not answer any further questions from her in front of the children. if the children were not able to hear me, I would tell her that it was a rude question, and I could not believe she was asking it. I just would not want any conflict in front of the kids. When people find out that i am a first Mother, I have had them say, " well , at least you didn't kill her", or " why didn't you keep her, didn't you want her". I tell few people, and these are 'friends". It breaks my heart, and amazes me. You are their Mom, and you don't need to explain to a stranger , about who has a First Mother and who you delivered and a what age. I wish you many blessings.

Answer by stillamom1213 at 7:24 AM on Nov. 21, 2009
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Are people just automatically like that to you b/c they see you are sooo young and have 7 kids around you at all times? Dr. Phil's show last night was about rude people. Kill em with kindness!

Answer by MommaRox4683 at 8:24 AM on Nov. 21, 2009
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I swear people just slay me with their rudeness.

We get stares and comments daily.. our daughter is adopted from China and we also have a 15.5 month old bio dd.
" Oh, you couldn't have children of your own so you adopted?" and " See, now that you adopted you had one of your own."

I smile and say.. " We had a stillborn before we adopted, so yes, I could have biological children, we chose to adopt..my daughter was NOT a second choice at all. We adore both of our children more than anything and they both are my own and they are real sisters."
That seems to encompass it all and they typically don't say anything more...
I also hear " Where is she from?" and " What is she?" Seriously?? She's a child... and she is from Georgia. Yeah, I know what they're asking, but why is it their business.. I do answer nicely when they seem to be genuinely interested. I've met many waiting parents/ Grands that way.

Answer by mcginnisc at 8:50 AM on Nov. 21, 2009
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That was so incredibly rude of her! I would have looked at her, puzzled, and said, "Oh, but we love children". You don't owe any explanations.

We adopted both of our kids, but they are the same ethnicity as us. I get the same remark as PP ("So you can't have babies of your own?"). I'm trying to choose my replies based on whether or not my kids can hear, and how well I know the person. My son has blue eyes and red hair, and the rest of us have brown eyes. When people ask about where he got his red hair, I just say, "We have lots of little redheads in the family" (which is true).

I guess we all just have to get used to it. The rude people are not going away. I think you handled it well.

Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:09 AM on Nov. 21, 2009
Credits: 19137 Level 24 Adoption Minor

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I think you handled it exactly right: I say that same answer or sometimes will say something like while patting myself down, "I feel pretty read". or "I didnt give birth to them but I can assure you that when they were put in my arms when they were a minute old, I have been their Mom".

What is worse to me is when someone asks a question using the "real mom" such as "was their real Mom very young" or yesterday "where is their real Mom from" in front of the child. I usually make my point by correcting the terminology and then often not directly answering the question. Like I may answer "Her birthmom loved her very much" which didnt answer the question as to where she is from or how old she was but usually gets the point.
Hands down most insulting thing I ever heard: I was loadly reprimanded for allowing my child to "get tan" in a department store once...tan is her natural year round complection .

Answer by Anonymous at 9:34 AM on Nov. 21, 2009

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To the "real mom" remark - I usually tell them "I think you're asking about her birthmother. We are both real."

Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:13 AM on Nov. 21, 2009
Credits: 19137 Level 24 Adoption Minor

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I keep wondering why strangers think they are entitled to any information. And yes, I agree there are some people who are waiting or thinking of adopting and their questions are always because they are looking for answers of their own, so it's really not a problem. But this was as bad as some of the crazy stares with my oldest daughter, you can just see these people trying to do the math in their head. And Stillamom, I am glad you felt able to answer, this is why we are all here, so we can all see the whole picture and our children get the benefit of having better informed families. We do stand out, we have 3 boys that are 8 months apart. And there are a lot of us, but not so much anymore now that a bunch of them are older and moving out, but when we are all together, we're quite the large group compared to most. Of course we love the noise, so it works for us :)

Answer by 7babies4me at 11:15 AM on Nov. 21, 2009
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I just got the, "Are they brothers?" rude and insensitive question yesterday. YES!!! They are both my sons and they ARE brothers. DNA does not dictate family!!!!!!! It is none of your business beyond that.

Answer by Anonymous at 12:04 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

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