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Is this some form of cheating or am I thinking too much about it? And how would you react?

My hubby told me about how this girl called & text him. She got his number on an info sheet that at their training school. He said she prob likes him bcoz he was just nice to her. He said it was annoying & try to avoid her. I asked him if he told her he was married? Yes. Are you doing anything to lead her on? No. Well when I went to see him, he happen to leave his phone lying around. Ok...I know some of you might say I shouldn't have looked but I did. I found out they were actually texting each other. She was coming on to him and he went along with it. He didn't really avoid her as he said. I was upset so we got into it. I told him no wonder why she won't leave you alone, you led her on. He said no he didn't...but finally admit it to stringing her along. He said he didn't like her just liked the fact there a girl that liked him that he can say no to. He said nothing happen. I just can't get the hurt out of me.

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:19 PM on Nov. 21, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Oh boy, you have a right to be upset, but his silly male ego was flatterted by her attention! I would try my best to put it behind me, maybe ask if he is feeling unloved or unwanted--now don't think for a minute I am blaming you in anyway, men are just funny creatures after we have kids, and he might need a little romancing. I would also suggest a visit with a counselor to make sure everything is on track, and I would insist he delete her number!

    Answer by kimigogo at 3:23 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • He is trying to have the best of both worlds, and that borders on cheating in my book. Understandably, all guys need their ego stroked, but he is going too far. IMO

    Answer by NightPhoenix at 3:23 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • Just a thought... but if he lied to you about not leading her on, what makes you believe he isn't lying about other things?
    I am sure you have already thought of that, but maybe you both need to discuss this more. Usually one lie is followed by many, many others.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:26 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • I would be saddened and hurt. He is betraying your trust. He lied, and even though he may not be serious about this woman, even playing with her is a betrayal. You can calmly tell him that you discovered this behavior. If he tries to divert the subject by asking how or getting angry don't let him do it (leave the room if you have to until you both can talk calmly.) Don't bring up past problems, don't call names. He may not realize that he is betraying you and may be just having fun. When you bring to his attention that what he is doing is wrong on all levels, then it may wake him up. If he sputters and lies and so forth, stay calm and ask him to come to couples counseling with you. This may snap him out of it. If it doesn't, then it is time for counseling.

    Answer by Bmat at 3:27 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • OP here:
    I did asked him if the texting is all that happen. He said yes that's it. I said how do I know that? He said he never lied. He told me about the text. I said he told me to a point. I asked him how do I know he didn't took that walk the way she suggested and anything else happens. He said he love me too much and our little girl to jeopardize anything and threw that trust issue with me. I had asked him since he like the attention, was there something missing in our marriage. He said it's not like that. And I told him it seems like he did...and (I know I shouldn't have) brought up some past hurts. He said he love what we have and would never cheat on me. Well we had to stop talking about it. I had to push it all aside and try not to affect me, act normal, and tell him I'm ok now...sorry for going off...bcos he was leaving for deployment. And I didn't want this on his mind. But it's on my mind & can't push it away.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:44 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • OP here again:
    I know I need to stay strong. And I feel like it's my pregnancy hormones that is making more emotional than usual. I just don't want the hurt and resentment to take over. I don't want it when he calls here that something is wrong. I don't want to be bringing it up while he's there in Iraq. I just want the hurt to go away. I'm really trying to keep busy but once I'm not doing anything...especially at night, the thought and feelings and doubt creep on me. And I just feel so lost.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:49 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • I don't know if it is actual cheating or not, but I know it would definitely bother me. We have a rule that if we wouldn't want the other to know about it, then we shouldn't do it. It works well for us, b/c it applies to everything, even something as simple as sipping a beer. It makes it easy for us to know if what we are doing is wrong, instead of trying to decide if something is "technically" wrong. I would sit down with him and explain why this hurts you so much, and what exactly it is that hurts you. Maybe see if he'd agree to a rule like we have to stop this kind of thing from happening. He didn't tell you about it, b/c he knew he was wrong, so maybe clearing it up by telling him flat out that if he wouldn't want you to know, he shouldn't do it, will stop him in the future.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 3:53 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • You would not believe the number of military men who text and play with women and say they just liked the attention. So many of them collect names to have women to chat with while deployed. Good luck on keeping him away from playing with her or others.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:58 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • To me this is cheating. I happen to go by the Bible and in the Bible if you lust after someone that is not your spouse (leading one on in texts is lustful), then you have cheated in your heart. Nothing physical beyond that need happen for me to label it as adultery.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:26 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

  • I'd be livid and freaking out especially with all this crap going on right before he leaves for deployment. I'm sorry but he'd have some serious explaining to do and I'd have a talk with the chick as well. There's no excuse for that behavior. He'll probably say that your hormones are getting the best of you, because that's the typical jerk guy thing to say, but don't buy into his bs. Follow your intuition and if need be, report his ass to his command because adultery is against the UCMJ. If that girl is in his command, she'll go down as well. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're having to experience this. It's beyond shitty.

    Answer by nicolemstacy at 4:34 PM on Nov. 21, 2009

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