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When will i tell my parents about my boyfriend/ fiance?

We have been dating for almost 2 years, and are ready to tie the knot. The only thing stopping us, is my family. They don't know we are together. They found out a long time ago, but i denied our relationship so there would be no problems. The only issue with my family is we are from the south, and my and my soon to be fiance have an interracial marriage that is HIGHLY unapproved. I love this man with every inch of my soul, and it breaks my heart that i have to keep it a secret from them. He is wonderful! Everything me and my parents have ever dreamed of, the only thing stopping them from approving is the color of his skin. My parents will disown me, and i am terrified of letting that happen. That is why it has taken so long. I am tired of hiding it, and want to say something, but everytime i get close, something pulls me back. Is it just not the right time? Or what? Please help me!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:50 AM on Nov. 23, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • Please don't take any of this in a mean way, because I'm on your and your fiance's side here!

    But I think you have some very tough choices to make. I understand you don't want your family to disown you, but you have to keep in mind, that every time you deny the relationship to make them happy, you are denying him. He has loved you enough to stand by you, even though you have, in essence, rejected him every time you've avoided telling them, putting them before your relationship with him. Are you willing to keep doing that, knowing that, at some point, it's going to be the final straw and he's going to leave? Or are you going to take a stand and say to your parents, in a loving but firm way, that while you love them, this is the man you love, and that you're going to spend the rest of your life with him. And, that you hope that they are wanting to be a part of that life, but either way, this is how it is.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 5:05 AM on Nov. 23, 2009

  • cont

    Now, honestly, I would NOT tell them at some big family event or, if you think they're going to react badly, I don't think I would tell them with him there. I say this because this way, if they do react badly and say hurtful stuff, if he's there, and it's not his parents that he loves, it could make it much harder later on if and when they change their minds and want a relationship with you all. Same reason for not saying anything at a big family event.

    I would just call and set up a time to go see them and talk to them, or take them out to dinner and talk to them or something like that. But you need to decide if you're going to be a child and let them dictate your relationships, or a woman who loves who you love.

    Keep in mind though, after 2 yrs, they might have guessed and are ok with it, and just waiting for YOU to feel ok telling them (kinda like waiting for someone to "come out" when they're ready..).

    gl!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 5:10 AM on Nov. 23, 2009

  • You love who you love. Just tell them, they will either disown you or be mad for awhile and except the relationship and him. I did not marry outside my race, but I did marry young and pregnant. My dad would not come to the wedding. I wrote him a letter and told him he could except the marriage and gain 2 or not and lose me. Well almost 19 years later he regrets not coming to my wedding, but he is a very big part of my life. He and my hubby are best friends.
    Point is, if you love this man, you will tell them and let them decide what they will do next. I do think that after awhile they will come around. I am from the south too and many of my cousins had children from another race and the family did except them and love them the same, it just took time to get over it. GL..
    midnightmoma

    Answer by midnightmoma at 8:06 AM on Nov. 23, 2009

  • bottom line...

    do you value the relationship the two of you have forged, more than you value family ties? what does your family mean to you, that you would be willing to deny your relationship- with the man that you love with every inch of your soul- for so long?
    if family is THAT important to you, will you be happy with him if and when they decide to abandon you? is your relationship sustainable?
    there are many factors that must be entered into the equation, and you must think about whether or not their approval is actually important (esp since you assume that there is no approval), how your relationship will change with your SO, and how you will change as the affect of their rejection become the effect on your relationship. i hate to point out all of the bleakness, but it should be considered.
    if you truly want this- run toward it...
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 8:49 AM on Nov. 23, 2009

  • If this is the man you are going to marry he has to be your first priority. You are in a position to choose between him and your family. So whats it going to be?

    That said, my family didn't approve of my hubby either (different reasons). I chose him anyway- didn't speak to any of them for years and have been happily married. I made my choice and I don't regret it.
    IrishMommaC

    Answer by IrishMommaC at 8:56 AM on Nov. 23, 2009

  • well aparently you were ashamed to admit you were together before, so i'm not buying the whole unconditional love thing. either grow up and tell them the truth or don't get married.... if you can't face your parents and tell them about the supposed love of your life, then obviously your marriage is not gonna work out
    princessbeth79

    Answer by princessbeth79 at 9:34 AM on Nov. 23, 2009

  • when my hubby and i first started dating my dad and my mom disapproved of him because he didnt have a job my dad kick him out of the house when he send him i said you kicking him out your kicking me out and i left with him and for a week we were staying with family of his and friends and my dad wanted me to come back and he was thinking about that and he said ok you can stay here but he needs to get a job from there when i said hes kicking me out the day my hubby ask me to marry him my dad said he knew i he was the one i would marry from when i went with him we have been married for 3 years and everyonce in a while i hear it from my mom she always thinks the wrost and saying do you think hes sleeping around on you and i walk out and go home cause i know hes not so what im saying is the sooner they know the better and if there not happy they will get over it just give it time and good luck
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:20 AM on Nov. 23, 2009

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