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First Mother- How do we know when to give up and accept the fact that we probably will never meet our children or should we contine to live in the land of "there's always tomorrow"?

Do we continue to just say that, when we know that it really may never happen? How do we honestly accept the fact that it's over? That he/she will never want to know us, to even meet us? Or, is it just something we keep plugging away at forever, dreaming of a day, that probably won't ever come? Does a point come when we SHOULD know that it will not?


Asked by stillamom1213 at 5:08 AM on Nov. 24, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (46)
  • Stillamom, HUGS...this morning, it is a new day! With each and every day "we" are given, new light along with HOPE, is what we must have. You are a very loving and caring,compassionate MOTHER. As a mother we NEVER give up on our children...NEVER. We continue to give our hearts to our children, husbands, and friends, whom are HERE and NEED this from us:) Never give up HOPE, it sometimes is all we have to carry us into the next day. There WILL come a day, when your daughter will most likely NEED to know more, especially more than what she has been TOLD. We cannot forget to live each and every day until that time, however. We have to be an example, so taking care, being loving, growing, laughing and enjoying our lives, is TRULY what ALL our children wish for us. Each day is one foot in front of the other, and occassionally its okay to stumble, but get back up my friend...YOU are needed & loved, Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 9:03 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Need more info, did you give your kids up or what's going on?

    Answer by MommaRox4683 at 7:29 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • I think it's the saddest thing you gave your daughter up when you already have 4 kids, what's the big deal, now you have to live with your decision for the rest of your life wondering, and it's soooo sad for the child, I could never give my baby away no matter what.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:43 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • ANON43 Good for you! That you never had to be in that position but who are you to judge someone by what trials they have been thru in life sometimes you should keep your mouth SHUT I know you have done things in your life you would like to change or are ashamed of BUZZ OFF

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:21 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • honestly u may never know if that child will want to know u or met u,and that is there choice. most adopbted kids go looking for there birth moms.try to look at it positve that that child may be better off at the time and he or she probaly has a lot of love. just kknowing ur child is happy should give u peace

    Answer by angelairelan at 9:07 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Stillamom: Have you ever sought out real mental help, not the random opinions of strangers on the net who have no real investment in you and often dont know what they are talking about.

    If you are in this much pain after 25 years or what ever it is, it is time to get some real help, speak to a counselor or psychiatrist. There is no shame in it, you have a lot to work out and need to realize that you mean a lot to a lot of people, especially the rest of your family. Your pain is so evident, I really hope you can get what you need.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:22 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Well hon, the thing is, is that it's not about you, it's about the child you gave birth too. IF they don't want to know you, then accept it.

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 9:40 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • ANGELAIRELAN, That is a lot of assumptions...are you a child of adoption, or a First/natural Mom? You are correct when you say that it must be their choice, for a child whom was adopted...NEVER had a choice. However in the majority of adopted /children/adults, there is a deep yearning to know of where it is we came. There is a time in ALL our lives, that the curiosity will need to be is just not KNOWING when that yearning will come to light. Sometimes, it is too late, but as a Mother( assuming you are one) , we NEVER give up on the love we have for 'our" child/ matter if and when we are blessed to meet again. Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 9:41 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Well first off, even being a birth mother I don't like the term "first mother". That said - I have an open adoption, and while things aren't perfect, I get to see my child pretty much whenever I want. I couldnt imagine having a closed adoption and not knowing where my child was.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:15 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • I think we can't get through it alone, we need support and shoulders to lean on. I also think counseling can bring comfort as we work through the grief.
    My son will be 18, and I fear that he may never want to know me, he may never want any kind of relationship with me. It doesn't change the fact that I love him and will always love him.
    I look at it similar to the children I am raising, one day they will be gone, they will have their own lives, they will make choices I don't like, and they may have less time for me. Regardless I will love them.
    As much as I want to know my son and have that relationship, I have to remember its his choice and I must respect that. I must know in my heart that the decision is his and he believes it is best for him, which ultimately is what I wanted. Is is hard to not want him in my life, yes, but I find comfort in knowing its his choice for what he thinks is right for him.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 10:39 AM on Nov. 24, 2009