Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Do you feel open adoption is better than a closed adoption for the adoptee?

I was doing research and none of the information was useful so I thought Id ask. I have been wondering alot about this lately. Is it better for an adoptee to know their birth mother growing up or does that effect the child negatively? Or does an open adoption help?

Answer Question

Asked by MissingChloe at 11:53 AM on Nov. 24, 2009 in Adoption

Level 3 (21 Credits)
Answers (27)
  • well, if i was adopted and i had an open adoption, it would say to me that my birth mother loves me enough to see me every once in a while, or on weekends or whatever the deal is, but she doesnt love me enough to take care of me everyday. but i think closed adoptions suck too. i think adoption period is a horrible thing to do to a person. i think women who give there kids up for adoption need to be forced to get there tubes tied.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:55 AM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • PURPLE, You are always a breathe of fresh air! ALL views are appreciated, but somehow, yours , even seemingly, come across, in a negative light, even when you mean well. You are young and will learn more when LIFE really happens to you. I can remember being your age and having such KNOWING thoughts, and think..."how could I have ever been that naive?" This my young friend, is what we call learning and growing up...hang in there it will happen each day:) IMHO, an open adoption, gives the child a chance to get any and all answers it needs or wants, along with having a true identity. So, yes, IMHO, I think, and feel 'open-adoption', is best, as long as we are no threat to the child....not the parents whom adopt...the child. Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 12:13 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Purple, you actually believe that a woman who places her baby should be barred from having other children? Look, I know you certainly don't see adoption in a positive light, I don't either, but to more or less imply that some of us should not even have been allowed to have other children is cold. It is comparable to those nut-cases who think that women who have abortions should be sterilized.

    To answer the OP, yes, open adoption is beneficial to the adoptee if the adults get their heads out of their ass and work together. It takes work, it takes time and often one party or the other backs out for one reason or the other. Obviously, if the birthfamily has issues with say violence, drugs, etc, then a closed adoption would prob be better. Most women who place their babies just want to know the child is doing well and they have that right.

    Answer by randi1978 at 12:24 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Purple: beginning to think the person who needs to be barred from having an influence on kids is YOU

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:54 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • it has nothing to do with me being young. i have a personal experience with adoption which is one of the main reasons i feel the way i do. i dont hate any of you for your opinions so dont hate me for mine. im not trying to pass judgment on you or any specific person, but i do feel that if you have babys and give them up for adoption, you shouldnt be having anymore. sorry if that upsets you! :)

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 1:39 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • That's not an opinion you nut.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:42 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Purple- I am constantly left wondering why you continually post on adoption threads when you know absolutely nothing about it and have nothing constructive to add to the conversation. It baffles my mind as someone in the triad. It is silly to impose sterilization on a woman for relinquishing a child to adoption...some of the most compassionate, loving mothers I know are first moms that have gone on to have other children many years later. It is completely unreasonable to assume that all first moms are drugged out idiots that don't deserve to have kids.

    OP- I do think that open adoption is beneficial for all members of the triad. The first mom is able to see her child, get updates, and have a relationship with the adoptee..... the adoptee is able to foster a bond with the first mom even though he/she is not being parented by her, and the a-parents are able to foster a relationship with the woman that gave birth to the child.

    Answer by mcginnisc at 1:43 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • OP - I am an adoptive mom with two open adoptions. I believe strongly that open adoption is best for the kids (assuming that there are no extreme or unhealthy circumstances, like abuse). I've done quite a bit of reading on the subject, and I believe the research supports this.

    Purpul - WHY do you continue to post in this section? You say that adoption is a selfish thing to do, yet you aborted two of your children. I do not condemn women for making that choice, but how can you say that to women who suffered (and continue to suffer) so that their children could live? I wonder what drives you to keep coming to this section. Please look into a post-abortive healing program called Rachel's Vineyard. I feel that you are lashing out at women who made a different choice than you did. I wish you healing and peace.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 2:35 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • to answer the OP
    i think there needs to be the complete uncushioned acknowledgement
    that adoption begins as a LOSS for the child/adoptee.

    in which case open adoption and closed adoptions are both "evil" - because their losses are usually minimized or negated as they grow up.

    it starts as a loss to the child, period.
    Whether the child sees the original family often or never while growing up
    it still started with a loss that open adoption does not remove.

    if original mom has other children, (before or after adoptee was born) adoption affects the sibling relationship

    what kind of mask are we asking the child to weare when original mommy has to go home and leave him/her behind? That might work the first few years, but by the time they're in school, inside they're asking questions.

    Answer by JoesGirl at 3:02 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • To me, open is easier. I am adopted and I know who my family is, where they come from, my health history.
    My Mom, who is also adopted, has a closed one and it is so hard for her. She has a hard time dealing with not knowing anything. It's hard for me to see it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:09 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.