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abusive relationship- need help please

I am a breasfeeding stay-at-home mom of my 8-month old daughter. Her father and I broke up 2 months ago but have still been living together until tonight. I told him to leave b/c he has a major drinking problem and I found out that he has been doing drugs as well. He has been extremely emotionaly abusive and threatens to get custody of out daughter. He has also put me in a very tight financial spot. Tonight he told me he wants her on his days off and overnight. My baby and I are very attatched to each other never having spent more than a couple hours apart. I do not trust him having her in his care. I don't know my rights or his and am very afraid that if I seek help that she might get taken away from both of us. (Stranger things have happened.) Can someone please offer me some advice?

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Asked by Anonymous at 7:27 PM on Nov. 24, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • If he's been doing drugs they won't let him have custody... even partial... it will have to be chaperoned visits.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:30 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Google free legal advice. There are several sites that will give you advice at no charge.

    Answer by Kimposible at 7:32 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Have any criminal charges been filed against him? If so, he won't get any klind of custody during the investigatin phase and none at all if convicted.

    The chances of baby being taken from both of you are next to nothing if you REPORT IT. If you DON'T report and someone ELSE does...the chances of both of you losing custody shoot up to 99.9 percent. So make that call.

    Answer by gdiamante at 7:33 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • If he's drinking tonight or next time he drinks call the cops and tell them everything he's done and is doing that day to make you call them. In my state if a partner or husband pays rent or mortgage they can't be booted out. See if you can google Dr. Phil's show on tv, can't remember his last name but he's known as Dr. Phil. Within the past two weeks he had on a couple with bad bad relationships troubles and a woman lawyer was in the audience- brought in to give legal advice as to the ending of the relationship. She was fantastic. Look up that show online and see if you can watch that episode - even try youtube.


    Answer by lfl at 7:34 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • do not let her go...tell him to get a lawyer if he wants to see her..keep yourself drug free...and when the time comes if he does get a lawyer tell the courts that you dont think that its in your daughters best interest to be around him because you know that he is a drug abuser and maybe they will pop a drug test on him. Then they wont let her go either. As long as you have custody its fine, if his name is on the birth certificate too or you are married then just go to the court house and explain to them that he is requesting visitation and you dont believe your daugher will be safe with him. They will tell you what to do

    Answer by shay1130 at 7:34 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • Contact a women's shelter or a priest / pastor immediately - they can help you navigate the system in your area. You want to contact social services immediately (based on the shelter's or minister's advice)

    You are entirely correct to refuse to let someone who uses alcohol or drugs be around your baby without your presence - whether it's a cousin, a grandparent or even the father. Supervising your child's safety is your responsibility - you are not being over-protective at all.

    I understand your hesitation - I was paralyzed when I was threatened with being labelled an unfit mother. After a few days, the paralysis abated and I was able to act rationally, but I totally sympathize with how much power this threat carries.

    Recognize it for what it is - a power-play by him to keep control over you.
    Because of the breastfeeding hormones, you are much easier to manipulate right now, so you must encourage yourself, & gethelp.

    Answer by waldorfmom at 7:40 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • if you dont feel comfortable leaving her alone with him, and you have proof he has a drinking and drug problem (you obviously know but the court requires "proof" other than your say), you should go ahead and get a lawyer! I hope everything works out. Until then, go to the police asap and get a restraining order against him. You have enough of a reason to be afraid of him.

    Answer by Owl_Feather at 7:40 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

  • I have been through a situation similar to yours and was in a custody battle over my 2 year old since he was 2 months old. I learned very quickly that a judge/court will not take a child away from a mother unless there is a very good reason. They look at who has taken care of the child for the majority of the time, and who is more stable. If he ever took you to court, you could request a drug test. Also, if you are not married, (where I live) the mother has full custody unless a court order says otherwise. But, if he is on the birth certificate he could legally see the child. If you do not feel comfortable leaving your child with him, then dont. You should really go to the police if you actually have proof. I hope everything works out for you and your child.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:14 PM on Nov. 24, 2009

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