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How do I get him to back off?!

Wow. DH says I'm to blame for anything ever gone wrong in our relationship. I'm the reason we had to file for bankruptcy, the reason we are always broke, the reason that DH stays unhappy with me, etc. I don't have a job, and haven't had one. I have a 5 month old son at home who I refuse to put in daycare so I can go to a job I can't handle due to mental problems, making just enough to pay FOR daycare. He thinks I am supposed to be Super Mom/Wife. I have mental health issues, including Bipolar 1. I don't understand why he would rather yell at me and accuse me of being a lazy, selfish, horrible person, instead of admitting these are issues caused by my mental illness! Meds don't fix it all. I'm heading toward a major depression here at the holidays because he thinks I'm a piece of crap. I've tried explaining to him that his attitude toward me and my issues are actually exacerbating the problems. What else can I do?


Asked by Anonymous at 2:00 AM on Nov. 25, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • BTW hold your ground. You need to care for your LO the way that you feel is right. Getting a job because DH pressures you into it will cause even more problems. Especially if the job does nothing, or little more than pay for daycare. It just won't be worth it.

    Answer by AnnaMac at 2:24 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • OP...I'm not getting a divorce, I want to fix what is wrong. I go to therapy for my mental problems, and take medication. That doesn't cure what is wrong, but he thinks its supposed to I guess. I just wanted to let everyone know that divorce is not an option for me before they suggest it. Its not something I want to do. Thanks.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:04 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • How about trying some family couseling? Maybe you both need someone to hear what is going on and offer their advise. If he totally refuses or if you can get him to go and he still doesn't treat you better, then maybe he shouldn't be in the picture. You might feel better without him at all.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:07 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I am so sorry you are going through this! I know I have been there a few times as well. It is much easier for your husband to blame everything on you than to man up and realize he is responsible for his life and his happiness. He is taking the easy way out by blaming everything on you. Try not to take it so hard (I know that seems impossible). Try to talk to him calmly and see if you can get him to have a mature conversation with you. What is done is done. There is no reason to dwell on the past. He needs to figure out what he wants out of life and how to get there. Sitting around and pointing the blame at you is getting him no where, it only provides him temporary relief from his guilt.


    Answer by AnnaMac at 2:13 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Money is one of the biggest problems in a marriage. It seems to me like the lack of money is causing problems everywhere else in your relationship. I have been there too (a lot). I notice when we are low on money our daily life becomes much more stressful. We argue more about everything. He gets depressed and I get mad because he just sits around watching TV while I run around trying to do everything by myself.


    Answer by AnnaMac at 2:13 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Yes. It always happens when we are getting low on funds. I know he is concerned that he is not getting over time like he was, but maybe he should have thought about that before he went and bought his expensive car some expensive parts!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:18 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I agree that family counseling could help. It could help him to see that he is responsible for his happiness, and his actions. It could also help your family build a budgeting strategy that could provide some relief from financial issues. See if your church can provide counseling, if not than look into programs funded by your state.
    I am guessing that his self esteem is low. Usually men equate themselves with their wallet. If they don't have a lot of money they view themselves poorly. Encourage him to go back to school. If he didn't finish college he could go back and get his degree. Or he could take a class and get certified to start a new career. Learning and having a sense of accomplishment will help raise his self esteem, as well as finding a higher paying job or getting a promotion at where he works now. There are many grants and scholarships he could apply for. The Pell Grant is a good one. Feel free to PM me

    Answer by AnnaMac at 2:20 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I know about depression and bi-polar, first-hand. That being said, I think the reason your husband blames you is probably because you blame him. He doesn't have a defense for himself, so he turns it around on you. The way you get him to stop is for you to stop blaming him and berating him for not understanding you. He can't because he doesn't have the tools. Depression is very often caused by deeply rooted anger. It may not have anything at all to do with your husband. So the first step is to figure out why you are angry and deal with it by expressing that anger to the person with whom you are angry. My bi-polar diagnosis came about because when the anger was in control, I behaved in one way. When I was in control of my anger, I was another way. Hence, bi-polar. Pulled in two directions. The drugs don't help. The best they do is control the symptoms. But you can be free. It's a painful process but well worth it.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:35 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • OP here...Where do you get off? Don't tell me I BLAME my DH for me having bipolar disorder. That's ridiculous. Doctors don't know what causes it, so I'd be stupid to blame DH for me being ill. Me telling him that I want him to try to understand my illness is not berating him. I am upset with him that he will not admit to himself that I do have problems. I go to therapy, so I've already been through answering a ton of questions to try to get to the root of the problem. My situation is nothing like yours apparently, because no part of what you said applies to me and my situation.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:32 PM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • State programs are not available to us because supposedly he makes too much money. We don't go to church, so I'm sure not going to go to one and ask for help.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:33 PM on Nov. 25, 2009