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When do you stop and begin to support?

A dear friend of mine matched with a bmom on cafemom through one of the groups. I became friendly with both the Bmom and the Amom. Before the Bmom made her decision she was hit with an insane amount of PMs and Emails telling her all the horrors of adoption, giving her what we know are fabricated statistics, telling her how her child will grow to hate her, etc etc. It was awful. She put out a post that was very clear...she had made up her mind, she was an adult, and had made her decision.The Pbadgering didnt stop. A Bmom who is very vocal here actually stepped in and tried to ask for others to respect her opinion.

I was just in a group that a few of the posts on here were discussing and it looks like it is happening again. The woman said, I have made up my mind and the child is where she should be... yet she is being badgered instead of supported by many.
At what point do you stop criticizing & offer support

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:31 AM on Nov. 25, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • So how is this anyone's business other than the BM and AM? Shouldn't we be supporting women who do what's best for them and their child? I thought most people on here were dead-set against abortion, Cafe Momers are always touting adoption like it's the best thing since sliced bread. I say, unless you've been in either situation, keep your busy-body mouth shut and let people do what they have to do. It is so easy to judge when you are not in someone else's shoes.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:58 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Heather, I've been asking myself that same question and here's my answer. At the point in which it is TOO LATE to do anything else.

    She also posted that she is more depressed than she thought she'd be, and that she had til Friday to change her mind. I have no vested interest in this adoption, but apparently you do, since the Amom is a friend of yours. Once it's over, all we can do is help her to pick up the pieces. But it's not over yet....
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:42 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • At what point do you stop criticizing & offer support.....

    She is NOT being criticized. She IS being supported as a woman who JUST gave birth, and who still hasn't signed any papers. Your idea of support is "different".
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:44 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • OP here: Let me clarify, I am not friends with this Amom or Bmom, I doubt that Amom even knows what is going on.
    This same scenario played out with a friend of mine and they have had an open adoption for the past 3 years. (however she received some of the same "warnings" from the same people and the APs have bent over backwards for her and her family).

    I just think that there is a point when someone has made a decision that you stop trying to shove hypotheticals down her throat and support her. She gets it... you hate infant adoption and think she shouldn't do it, she probably picked up on that from the 200 original posts that told her that. Now to insult her intelligence by saying she is being duped etc etc is too much.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:59 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:08 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Doodle, this is your quote:


    "It's hard to see these and tell you that you will be fine and Kenzie Grace will be fine"


    What possible right do you have to tell this woman that her child will NOT be fine, let alone that she wont be fine?  Yes, Ideally she was able to parent her child but for her reasons, she cant. Ideally, her child would have been raised by her mother but how can you tell her that her child wont be fine". There are bmoms who lived through adoption who didnt say something so callous, that is not support.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:16 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I don't hate infant adoption. I do not like when someone is being faced with being eternally separated from the baby that they just gave birth to is being "supported" by someone who has never separated herself from hers. As I said before, I really have given this a lot of thought, and have prayed for her well-being, and I have NO vested interest in whether she places her child or not. I simply could not live with myself IF the words that she needed to hear in the next 2 days were mine, and they were left unsaid. Will I be causing her additional grief now? Hopefully not, I'm sure she is grieving already. However, in THREE days, all of this will be a moot point, and THEN, if she has still placed this baby, you can rest assured that there will be no "I told you so's" but love and care and support, but at a point in which her decision is irreversible.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:16 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Have you met adopteeme? bellacocco's son? THERE ARE NO GUARANTEE'S. Even you yourself have no guarantee of tomorrow coming, much less how her child will be raised. If the PAP's are like you, then sure, she'll be "fine". But you say you don't know them. How can you be so sure? If, God forbid, something were to happen or the OA simply closed, would you feel "good" about all the support you have given, or would you wish that you had done something different? She's not your child. You don't have a say. You only have an opinion. Just like the rest of us.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:23 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I do not like when someone is being faced with being eternally separated from the baby that they just gave birth to is being "supported" by someone who has never separated herself from hers


    AGREED... so why are you talking?.   


     

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:24 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I do not like when someone is being faced with being eternally separated from the baby that they just gave birth to is being "supported" by someone who has never separated herself from hers


    AGREED... so why are you talking?.  


    Clarification: I do not like when someone is being faced with being eternally separated from the baby that they just gave birth to is being "supported" in eternally separating herself from the baby that she's just carried for 9 months and birthed by someone who has never separated herself from hers-REPHRASED.

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:28 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

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