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Lies, Lies, Lies... and he is good at it. I hate this, no trust, now what???

We have been married for 16 years. During the last 5 I have discovered that he is a very good liar. I see the signs...he takes the phone into another room or outside to talk, he quickly changes what he is doing when I come into the room. At least 3 times I have asked for a divorce, when I do he never leaves, then works really hard to make it better. Most recently I told him I was done with this and we sat our 8 yr old down and told her what he had done and we would not be together. Her and I went out of town for a week and when we came back he once again is working really hard to make things right. I have told him I do not trust him and I do not think I ever can again, our daughter is acting out she seems to get angry alot and can not explain why. I am sure it was the talk we had. I have also told him that he needs serious help, he can look me straight in the eye and lie. It is easy for him. It makes me sick. What can I do?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:21 AM on Nov. 25, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Honestly, the best thing you can do for you and your dd right now is counseling. I've also been married a long time, I know what kind of a commitment that is, but what you have now is a mess, and please don't take this badly, but your mess is spilling over onto your dd.

    I don't think it was fair to her to tell her what her Dad had done, and then, on top of it, have him still there. It's sending her mixed signals. Also, it's involving her in grownup problems, because no matter how crappy he is as a husband, he's still her Dad.

    Why hasn't he moved out? Honestly, you've asked for a divorce 3 times, and you don't follow up with it, he has no reason to believe you mean it, or that you're going to do anything about what he's doing, because, again, this is NOT meant mean, but you've basically put up with it this long.

    Counseling will either help fix the marriage, for REAL, or it will help you end it in a healthy way.

    gl!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:31 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • You told your daughter you were leaving, then stayed? Im sure she is mad about that, 8 years old and she thinks mommy dont love daddy anymore, and might thinkit is her fault. Think about her first, I was mad when my parents got divorced, now im 28 and figured out why, im sure you also know not to bad mouth daddy to her right? Leave, if you dont trust him, leave, plain and simply. If you dont think it will work, that is all you can do. Good luck and I hope the best for you and your daughter!
    Theone3608

    Answer by Theone3608 at 10:27 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I don't believe in divorce, but I do think that sometimes it may be necessary to separate. If he is really serious about "doing better" he is probably going to have to have some help. I don't understand why he has to be the one to leave, so consider telling him that you love him, you married him for life, you want it to work, but you can no longer tolerate his lying to you. Tell him you are willing to wait until he has gotten help, but that you think it best that you wait somewhere that he isn't. Do not tell him any of this unless you are prepared to follow through. You will need a place to go. Love sometimes has to be very tough, and if your husband is a pathological liar, he cannot stop on his own. If you are short on money for high-priced counseling, call the churches in your area. Many of them now have people on their staffs who are professionally trained to counsel in all areas of addiction. Most of it is free.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:30 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • ok so he has tried many times to make things better but yet you fall back into the same boat and its only making things worse for your daughter because she is confused of what is going on theone is right shes most likely mad because you say your leaving and you dont and she is probably thinking its her fault
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:34 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Do NOT drag a child into your emotional bs with this man. Don't talk about crap. If you are going to leave then leave but don't make her upset over drama. That's just horrible. You have put your child on an emotional roller coaster by pulling her into it. Grow up. Get your act together. You two don't deserve to have children. You blame him but you are playing his game and are just as responsible for the damage you are doing to your own child. Crap or get off the pot but quit harming your child
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:38 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • If you have asked for a divorce and you haven't left yet then of course your dd is going to be confused. I think instead of him leaving if he won't you need to to follow thru on what you have threatened. It does no one any good to use threats if you don't follow thru with them. What is he hiding is he having extra martial affairs then leave. Only you can decide when you have had enough. Use your head to really think thru things before you say anything to him and never bring a 8 yr old into grown up problems if you leave just tell her mommy and daddy love you very much but right now it is best that we don't live together until we decide what is best for the family. GL
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:39 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • First rule of marriage and parenthood: Don't tell the kids what either parent has done to cause marital problems. If you were serious about divorcing him, all you tell her is that you and daddy aren't going to be together anymore. You NEVER, EVER tell her what daddy did to cause that. That's why she's acting out. She's confused as hell b/c you basically told her daddy's a bad guy, and (you don't outright say it, but I'm guessing) since what you say indicates cheating, that's probably beyond her years to understand. And then to top it off, you said you were leaving, and then didn't, which is adding confusion to confusion. You have to make a decision: either you are staying with him, or you are leaving him. Don't tell her about your decision until you are actually in the process of following thru on it, especially if it's leaving, b/c if you change your mind again, it's only going to make it worse. Counseling is a good idea, too
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 10:49 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Counseling. And stop sayng you're going to do something and then not follow through. It's the same thing over and over again. I'm suggestingthe couseling so you can figure out why you keep doing this to yourself...the marriage isn't worth saving, from what you write.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:24 PM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • In my opinion, if you were not going to leave him, you shouldn't have sat your daughter down and told her what he had done and that you were seperating/getting a divorce....
    You should probably go through couseling and do whatever YOU can do to save the marriage...but if he's not willing to change or jump on board.....there's your answer.....but ultimately you've got to live with the choice..
    if you make a decision stick with it and follow through. If he keeps winning you back and keeps making the same mistake....i'm assuming he's cheating or something?...then i'd say it's time to let go, because that's not a healthy realationship.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:36 AM on Nov. 28, 2009

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