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If you ever placed a child for adoption, do you now wish that someone would have encouraged you to parent instead? Could your mind have been changed or were you "confident" in placing? No regrets?

Even in the best Open Adoption scenario, do you wish that you had parented rather than placed? Even if you like the adoptive family that you chose very much, and not taking anything from them personally, would you have rather parented and was it an option?


Asked by doodlebopfan at 10:37 AM on Nov. 25, 2009 in Adoption

Level 20 (9,525 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (26)
  • Thank you also to the posters who had an actual experience to share. To Anon 9:41am, blessedwboyx3, Mom1Stepmom1, Anon 11:25am, and thanks to SR & CJ for trying to keep the post civil and reality-based. It does help me to realize that sometimes, however rare, adoption is the best option AT THAT TIME under certain circumstances. Again, thank you all.

    cornucopiaI hope that everyone can relax and have an enjoyable Thanksgiving Day, for we have much to be thankful for.


    Answer by doodlebopfan at 8:13 PM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Parenting was not an option for me at the time. I had no support, and really felt I found the best family possible. Now, 10 years later, even though I know if I'd have parented I wouldn't have met my husband and life would be totally different, I wish I had her, because her a-family is so conflicted right now, and she is caught up in the midst of it as the youngest child. Even if I would have been told 10 years ago how life would be now, I really think I would have made the same decision I did then. Even though my husband isn't her biodad, he was bound and determined we were going to try and get her back a while back - even though I know it's not possible. I'm glad no one tried to talk me into single parenting, but in the same breath, no one talked me into placing her for adoption - I made the decision on my own, I did what was best for her (and for me) at that time. I don't believe anyone should be "talked into" parenting.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:41 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Get your facts straight. This woman was encouraged NOT to place, she was supported in every way possible and she still made her decision. She listened to some of the most heart wrenching real stories, she even heard completely fabricated lies and statistics and she still made the decision that was right for her.

    If the 50+ bmoms on there told her not to do it and she didnt listen, why does she need you after the fact to come back and second guess the future health of her child?.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:51 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Anon, my screen name is very visible. If she (it's not like we don't know "who" is being talked about here) wanted to PM me, or post that she's doing well, or that she doesn't like the replies that she got (not only from me, but I was quoting another person, and yet it's ME again that you are singling out) then I could at least realize that I am causing her some harm, and I DON'T want to do that, however, I don't know why YOU are the outspoken one in this situation. What's it got to do with YOU? Why do you feel the need to "defend" her decision if SHE is confident in it? I really am not trying to cause anyone any grief. I really don't understand you.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:03 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • First of all, I didnt make this about you. I didnt reference you until you jumped in and then I quoted you to show that telling someone that their child "will not be okay" is not cool, calling her adoption a "trainwreck" is not cool.

    Your post is "do you wish someone would have encouraged you" and this woman got more "encouragement" than anyone on the planet and made the decision that is best for HER. At what point do you stop telling her she was wrong for what she did and support her emotionally. Read her posts, she is obviously extremely intelligent and definately didnt go into this blindly.

    Enough is enough.


    Answer by Anonymous at 11:38 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • In my case if someone would have said I could parent I would have. Instead I was told all the horrors of being a young single mother, (welfare forever, not finishing my education, no social contact, no bf - no man wanting to ever be with me, that I would be a horrible mother because I was young) and a family that said if you want to keep this baby get out, which lead to a host of other fears; where will I live, who will give me a job, where can I work, where will I get insurance, what if my baby is really sick. I was 17 still in HS, naive and scared, coupled with low self esteem from years of abuse. There was no internet to realize this was all possible to over come, nothing even welfare turned me away. I lived in a small town, no one knew anything about adoption.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:42 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I'm torn however, I have two wonderful boys, a husband that loves me, a home, a career. That may never have happened and I could never look my boys in the eye and say I wouldn't want the children or life I have. That is not to say that I don't love my first born, that I don't miss him, that one day I hope he does want a relationship with me or even his biological brothers.
    Life would have been different, and I would not even know what I would be missing now if someone had said you can do this. If my parents would have offered some kind of support, even letting me know I could over come, but they didn't they scared me into believing I was incapable, as well as others in my community. I trusted them, at the time I respected and believed adults to tell me the truth and offer the best guidance.
    I was very much influenced by others, at 17 I didn't know different and would never have questioned those older than me.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:49 AM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I don't think there was any way I could have parented my son. I was 15, my boyfriend was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. He had plans to join the military about 2 weeks after our son was due, and didn't change them when I got pregnant. My dad had actually had his son taken from him when he was young because of his service in Vietnam, so he was really shook up about the whole pregnancy and I am not sure he could have maintained if I had kept the baby. Now, if I had been with my current husband then, I would have parented. No one told me what to do. My mother and sisters supported me in whatever I chose. Some friends of mine hooked me up with an adoptive family that they knew just so that I could talk about their experience so that I could get another perspective. I ended up relinquishing to them. I had to do it, there was no way around it for me. My son deserved better than the life I could have given him.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 12:24 PM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • I am speaking for a friend who put her baby girl up for adoption. I have not experienced it myself. But my BF regrets it. She thought she had no other option. that it was the best thing for her baby. She really didn't know what else she could do. and she regrets it. she also DOESN'T regret it because her life is a wreak, and her baby girl is in a loving stable home. It's bittersweet catch 22.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:25 PM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • At last count there were over 100 public posts to this woman and God knows how many private ones offering her "encouragement" in form of telling her not to do it and every horror story known to man about adoption. I think she got lots of "encouragement" and now it is time to back off.

    You have inadvertently put her in a position where she cant even say she is depressed just days after birth without the "we told you so's" starting. It is gross

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:57 PM on Nov. 25, 2009