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How to stop feeling guilty for divorcing my abusive husband? And how can I stop him from making me feel like he is the best man for me?

My husband was abusive physically and emotionally. We have been divorced for over a year and I have not been in a relationship since. But I am lonely and feel ready to love again. The men I have graced with my presence are loosers and make me feel that I might as well go back because at least my ex took care of me-as weird as it may sound considering he was abusive. I deserve better. I know I do its just that when will my Mr. right come for me. My ex makes me feel guilty for divorcing him and tells me I wont find better. Sometimes I feel he is right. Not too many good ones that are up to my standards. I'll be 30 next year and want to be in total love by then with a man who genuinely cares, loves, and treats me and my two daughters with respect. But first thing first, how can I stop feeling guilty from divorcing my ex when sometimes it does feel like he is the only "good" one left?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:40 PM on Nov. 25, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • My ex was a control freak as well, kept me from friends and family and we lived in the same town!

    He KNOWS you CAN find better so he tells you that you won't find better then him! HAH! My ass! Apparently YOU thought different and got the courage to DIVORCE him! It IS FINAL.

    Take time and move on. DO NOT settle like the other posters have said... and never EVER even think of going back into a relationship with him. If it was so good why have thoughts of going back and then you DID leave? Cause YOU KNOW you are a beautiful person and do not want you or the kids to be around a "man" like that. Sorry hun, if he WERE a man, he would have NOT been abusive, verbally OR physcially or any other ways of being abusive.

    It has been years since my divorce and I am still not in a hurry. I date, sure.......but I want that one and it will happen but for now Im not in a hurry. BE STRONG! YOU CAN DO IT! Even if alone a while!

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:24 PM on Nov. 26, 2009

  • He's brainwashed you which is what controlling abusers do to women. They play on the guilt of the woman who "threw away the best thing they will ever have." (my x pulled that bs too) You can't move forward and find the right guy until you break that emotional connection with the x. You are comparing them and that's just wrong. See these men for who THEY are and not who they are NOT (your x). I also think that women sabotage new relationships thinking they don't deserve good men, that they deserve being treated like crap by abusive men. Make up your mind. If you want to be in love with a new guy by next year then stop letting the abusive dude control you. Cut that cord so you can take your boat away from the dock. Time is running out to meet your deadline

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:49 PM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • You are allowing him to continue to abuse you - verbally. You need a counselor who will help you set boundries. If you have boundries, you will keep the bad out. You also need to let the good in. You need to know yourself and believe you are worthy of better so you can make good decisions about who to date and eventually have a long term relationship with. Since you are still selecting losers, you aren't clear about the signs of a creep and the signs of a good man. You probably don't have a good experience from child or adulthood. You also need to understand what behaviors and thoughts of yours are ineffective. If you take the time now, you are more likely to be successful in the long haul and that includes having daughters who know what's good for them from childhood due to mommy's example!

    Answer by happi-ladi at 10:01 PM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Even after years an ex can turn on the guilt thing. First be aware of it, Fool me once Shame on You, Do it twice Shame on me. Next you need to take some time out to figure out who YOU are, away from men. After all of that then figure out the type of person you want and do not cut corners OR SETTLE, be clear. As far as your age it does not matter I was older and found the person of my dreams. If the person you are with you cant be friends with they are not worth it. If you search in a garbage dump that is what you will end up with.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:03 PM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • Thanks!! I needed that tough love and will take into account all of the postings thus far. My ex is definitely a control freak.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:13 PM on Nov. 25, 2009

  • he's brainwashing you , and dont give in to him , as easy an "better" that seems/sounds . i went tru a relationship with an abusive guy , and even though we didnt have any kids , it took me long (2 years) to be in love with someone else , and to be honest , dont pressure yourself , and dont set you "love goals , like ,
    "I'll be 30 next year and want to be in total love by then with a man who genuinely cares, loves, and treats me and my two daughters with respect "

    i know that , thats important , but focus now , on treating yourself and dds to god stuff , enjoying each others company and keep in mind that "YOU HAVE TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS TO GT TO THE PRINCE LOL" so unfortunately , you wont ind mr.right rite away , thats why you have to give time to yourself and believe thathe'll show up , but just when the timing is right .hopefully is soon lol . meanwhile, go to a therapist so you can feel better about your situation

    Answer by happymom1988 at 12:51 AM on Nov. 26, 2009