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Adoptees: How do you feel seeing "our" mothers duke it out here in these forums? Do you take sides?


Asked by adopteeme at 4:43 AM on Nov. 27, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (3,092 Credits)
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Answers (15)
  • Hmmm-this is a good question. I have seen a few of these discussions here. Iit seems like when an adoptee voices an opinion in one of these discussions sometimes their input gets overlooked and the discussion goes on as if we never said anything-not always but I have seen it. As an adult adoptee that is older than most of the bmoms and amoms on here I don't want to be referred to as an adopted child. We were children when we were adopted but we are adults now-mothers and grandmothers as well for some of us - and I think our opinions should be taken seriously. As far as the back and forth between the amoms and bmoms I don't care for it - adoptees are human beings - not possesions of anyone and when they are children should be in a loving environment where they can feel safe and grow up free from any drama between a and b parents.

    Answer by confused969 at 2:17 PM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • I had a bad adoption experience. I'd readily admit to throwing my amom and afam under the bus for NOT providing what adoption
    Promised my Mother and I....

    But had I been blessed with a good, loving afam, how would I feel seeing my Mom(s) carry on here with mean, hurtful, nasty anon.
    Posts back and forth? It's hurtful. Do you ever feel 'owned' when they do this? Ever feel caught in the middle? Who's loyality do we keep?

    It honestly makes me sad. An then angry. The us vs. them.
    Sometimes I walk away feeling like it's not about us (children) at all. It's about the adults wants and needs. :(

    Answer by adopteeme at 5:05 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • Yes it hurts - even though I am an adoptee that is also a birthmother. I agree that it hurts when adult adoptee perspectives are dismissed.

    I think in a previous Q&A an adoptive mom made the statement that while "adoption practices may have changed (open vs. closed) there are still common adoption questions that adoptees must navigate" and I couldn't agree more. So if people believe that premise, why are adult adoptees dismissed so frequently?

    Not being able to be raised in your family of birth (no matter the underlying reasons and no matter the type of post-adoption relationships) is still an issue that some adoptees are very impacted by and need help sorting out.

    Adoptees become adults - and it does sting to be discussed as a possession.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 5:13 PM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • I am not an adoptee, but an adoptive mother. I too dislike how adoptee's are put in the middle. To me, It is never about what is best for the birth mother or the adoptive mother. NEVER. The impact on adoptee's should be paramount to all mothers. Thank you for this question, it really brought to mind how adoptee's are sometimes made to sound like possessions, and I will be more mindful of that. For the most part I avoid questions and debate that is argumentative in nature, I hate the negative light it casts on adoption. In my mind, being a part of the problem only further harms my children's life journey as an adoptee.

    Answer by Bryn1020 at 6:37 PM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • I can speak as an Amom and I think a lot of the "treating like possessions" has more to do with the majority of the Amoms on here have young children and while they are no possessions, most are at an age that a lot of guidance is needed. I agree it is something that we have to be aware of.

    To me it often boils down to simple respect and often you have to give it to get it. You can have a healthy debate without getting nasty but often it only takes one person to take the gloves off and suddenly the next person feels justified and it goes on and on. If you go back and read each post, you can often see exactly where it went off track.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:14 PM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • I don't know...I really have a hard time with the personal attacks- the below the belt wallops that have been going on here.
    And I think about the now young adoptee who in years to come runs across all this and says hey- that's MY mom!

    Personally, I can and do have issues with both my mothers and my adoption. But I hold MUCH more anger at those that profit in adoption. The agencies, brokers, social wreckers that set both my moms into the idea that they could simply exchange a problem for a solution and walk away into the sunset happily ever after.

    I 'see' them counting bankroll and LOL at all of us and our problems and pain in adoption. They knew what they were setting us all up for. I wish that all mothers of adoption would no longer be pitted - woman against woman- and turn to the profit makers and insist upon practices that would leave us ALL in a better place.


    Answer by adopteeme at 6:06 AM on Nov. 28, 2009

  • Oh Adopteeme, my beloved sister....We sure screwed this one up. Bless you, once again, for bring us back to where we want and need to be. Our children are who we love and care about. I can absolutely see why you would feel like a possession. We fight over "our children", how many mothers they have, when whose motherhood stopped. What terrible things for you and others to hear. And, there are no excuses, just lame, sad reasons we do so.
    You, the innocents in all this madness, are left forgotten and alone, while we argue about titles.
    You, who have NO rights, not even to your OBC, cry out in pain,as we fight about closing open adoptions.
    And it is YOU, that we love the most, that we would do and give anything for.
    Thank you for reminding me, that the children, young and grown, are the victims. They never asked to be adopted, to be fought over, lied to, to have to choose sides, to choose loyalty at risk of losing their families.

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 6:06 AM on Nov. 28, 2009

  • The problem that exists is that we are not battling the right people, just representatives in the triad.

    The Amoms that we all despise (who close adoptions involuntarily, those who dont care about ethics, those who lie) are not on Cafemom, they dont care enough to be here. The Bmoms who we all dislike (who are druggies or who had their child taken, who lie ) are not on here either. The average Amom on here is about to adopt or adopted in the last 5 yrs, the average Bmom placed 20 30 or 40 years ago. (there are exceptions to the above obviously) There are few Adoptees on here at all (3 are included here and I can think of one other) and OP, to be honest, my childs experience being adopted may share some general commonalities but overall will be extremely different.


    Answer by Anonymous at 6:47 AM on Nov. 28, 2009

  • Quote: The problem that exists is that we are not battling the right people, just representatives in the triad.

    Bingo! It blows me away that 2 moms who have no personal, intimate connection in "real life" can spit and roll around on the floor in a back bar room brawl - while the 'kids' are there watching. How would anyone expect us to walk away feeling loved and wanted and postive about adoption when the adults feel so entitled to a piece of us?

    If a mom has that much a feeling of entitlement to us that she could bring herself low enough to pounce on a stranger, somewhere down the line - someone was left feeling exploited - wronged by adoption.

    We are all responsible for our words and actions. No matter your timeframe involved in the triad.
    Fight the real bad guy here, the people that led us to belive that all is well and good, equal/ fair, truthful, humaine, ethical and accountable in adoption.


    Answer by adopteeme at 8:05 AM on Nov. 28, 2009

  • "There are few Adoptees on here at all (3 are included here and I can think of one other) "

    There are more adoptees here on cafemom than you realize. For many of us being adopted is just part of who we are and that aspect of our lives only comes up occassionally.

    Answer by confused969 at 5:03 PM on Nov. 28, 2009