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Is this wrong of my brother in law and his wife? very long

They were supposed to have his son for the week, but the bio mom broke the agreement and made plans for his son for the first half of the week. I'm not sure of that whole story but I am pretty sure that she does this to them often. My BIL went ahead and was flexible since he didn't want to be the bad guy and take away his son's fun plans that the BM made for him. BM got sick during that time that she had kept the son.
We had planned a huge family get together for Thanksgiving and there was a lot of family. We don't all get to see each other often.
Apparently the son fell quite ill Thursday morning, after my BIL picked him up. So they called the BM and requested that she come and get the son because he wasn't going to be able to go to a houseful of relatives as sick as he was. SIL told me that the BM was kinda putout by this and asked my BIL what they were going to do when their own child gets sick?


Asked by Anonymous at 5:10 AM on Nov. 27, 2009 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Honestly, I think both parties were wrong, and, honestly, I think the one being hurt here is the child. His mom is doing things (fun or not) that are keeping him from seeing his father, which is wrong, a child needs to be able to spend time with his father. The father should be willing to stay home with his child, even when it's not very fun or convenient.

    One is using the boy as a pawn, and one is saying I only want to be with you when you aren't an inconvenience. Both are out of line, in my opinion.

    As far as being "the bad guy" - I think that would be on how you present it. All the Dad has to do is say to his son, I'm sorry son, but unfortunately, I don't get to see you as much as I would like, and this is our time to be together. Maybe you can get together with ___ (or do ___) another time, or maybe he (friend's name) can come visit you at our house.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:17 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • BIL and SIL have a two year old and a 3 month old. BIL wasn't going to make SIL come to the family gathering without him with two babies to deal with, especially since she has had a hard time with anxiety during holiday gatherings in the past, and he wasn't going to make her stay at home with the baby and the sick child. They both felt that if the BM had just done what she was supposed to do, which was not make plans for the son when she had no right to be making plans for him, then the son would not have gotten sick. It was the BM who got the son sick, and the friend that the BM made plans for the son with, who got the BM sick. And since the son got sick because of the BM's actions then she needed to take care of him. SIL told me that if he had gotten sick on their watch then she would have been more than willing to stay home with him. She said she feels a little guilty for shipping him back to his moms

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:18 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • but that they were not going to cancel their plans when this could have been prevented.
    Were BIL and his wife wrong for sending his son back to his moms?

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:19 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • IMO it's his kid. Doesn't matter what happened to get who sick. He should have stayed home, and took care of his son.

    Answer by fallnangel3 at 8:42 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • BM fault he got sick I don't think so!! He can get sick just from going to school, grocery store ect... Hello he had his son. It was his time with him then take care of his sick child!! If he had to stay home cause of it then so be it. Not the BM fault not at all...

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:51 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • I agree with sailorwifenmom.

    Answer by lovepotato at 10:14 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • They all need to grow up. You don't say 'You got him sick, now you need to take care of him'. No one can track an illness to exactly when the illness was transmitted and exactly the one person the germs came from, ridiculous! When you have your child, you take care of him. How does that make the boy feel to be shipped off because he is sick and no one wants him around? You take your child as often as you can, especially if your time is often cut short, as it is in this case. Personally, I was thinking as I read your post, that the thing to do would have been for both BIL and SIL to stay home with the boy. It is a selfish thing to go to Thanksgiving because YOU don't want to miss the festivities. Think about passing the illness on to everyone at the gathering. You can stay home, especially since they were making it sound like it would be such an inconvenience to be home alone with a sick child, baby and other child.

    Answer by calico1954 at 10:35 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • They should have stayed home with the boy! That really should be a no brainer.

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 12:09 PM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • BIL and SIL were WRONG to send the kid home because he was sick. Part of being a parent is dealing with a sick child at inconvienent times. BIL is the FATHER and he needed to act like it. They were being selfish to send the kid home because he was sick and they didn't want to miss the festivities. What would they have done if it was their kids that were sick? Send them to someone else because they didn't want to miss out? I have missed a lot of festivities and fun things because my son was sick, that is part of being a parent. Parents miss things everyday because of sick kids, learn to deal with it or don't have kids. Your BIL just showed his son that he is only wanted when he is not sick and they are not made to miss festivities because he is sick. Time for BIL and SIL to grow up.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 12:12 PM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • sailorwifemom is spot on. I am a custodial step Mom. You do what needs to be done for your children regardless of what outside factors there are childrens illnesses don't get put on hold because of holiday plans just like I can't put my parenting duties on hold when I'm sick. Getting sick is a part of life. You said you think these issues with visitation come up often with BM but, if you aren't certain, I would not go assuming. Custody issues, unfortunately more often than not, are incredibly complicated, if you're not in the situtation chances are there is a ton you don't know. For what ever reason BF let BM have DS during his time, maybe she would have done the same for him. Regardless that was BF's choice to allow it. He can't then turn around & say "well you changed the plans, it's all your fault & now you need to take DS bake because he's sick" UM, NO. That's not how it works. BF had an equal part in changing (continued)

    Answer by BubbaLuva at 12:34 PM on Nov. 27, 2009