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Tired of husband not taking care of us, tired of not moving ahead, what should I do? (more to story, but had to keep it short)

I been married for 12 years, and we have 5 children. During those years, we have been on welfare. my husband doesnt work, or look for it. he decided to g0 back to school to get his high papers, but quit after 1 semester. I have left him several times because of his lacking ability to take care of us. I even moved out to Vncouver for three years, and was doing better than I ever did in my whole life, while he still didnt get himself together back home. we recently found out he has ADHD..something he was diagnoised with as a child.(which his mom did nothing for by the way) and it looks like he still has those symtoms. he keeps changing his mind about what career he wants to do, and he keeps starting something and not finishing. I tried to start a home graphic design/web design business..but with 5 children...only 3 in school, and loads of housework to do, I am completely overwhelmed. I don't want to be dependant 4ever.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:51 AM on Nov. 27, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • Think about what you need... and think about what is possible. If you leave him, now you're not going to get ANY help with the kids. I would sit him down, tell him what he needs to do (ADHD ppl sometimes need a little direction) step-by-step. Do you want him to just help out at the house, so you can do your business? Tell him one day "Listen, DH, I need you to take the kids outside, play for a while... I've got some things I need to do" If you want him to get a job, help him look for one, and stay on his back about it. My xH is ADHD (the drugs didnt help either)... i had to literally find the job for him, and make SURE he went to work every day. Maybe once you get him participating (either with the kids or by getting a job) in the household, you can move ahead. If not, well...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:07 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • We had the same problem with my father when I was a child. Since he keeps being unable to take care of you, why do you keep going back to him? These men know that even if their wives leave them, it's no big deal because they'll come back eventually. In my opinion, you and your kids would be better off without him. You don't need to move away from him, he still has the right to be around the kids and be a dad. You could hire someone to watch the kids. Au pairs are really great and not as pricy as nannies. I know it's a hard step, but leaving him every now and then and going back is unfair for you and unhealthy for the children. They are too young to understand this and they need stability. They need to know if their parents are together or not.
    Kristinejs

    Answer by Kristinejs at 9:14 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • wow! couldn't have said it better Kristinejs
    DaGoodLife

    Answer by DaGoodLife at 9:35 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • He is your husband and the father of your children. Start investigating every avenue to see how he can be helped. Counseling very well might help him, even with the ADHD. People who have never tasted of success are not motivated to do much of anything, but it is never too late for him to be encouraged and helped to be successful. Start making phone calls to qualified people in your area and I am pretty sure you are going to find someone who can help him.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:30 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • Wow, i've had the same trouble with my husband and been together for 6 years. We're not on welfare, but now that I've heard your story, I see that I will probably have to support him for the rest of our lives. Maybe I should open my eyes and move on with my life. The counselor told me I should give him a deadline to find a job and if he doesnt meet it, then leave. You should do the same. I dont want to spend another 6 years like this. Please stop wasting your time.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:30 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • He has to have the motivation within himself to want to better himself. If he lacks that, than there is nothing you can do for him. Right now, you have 5 children to think about and your future. You said when you moved away you did better than you ever did before right? that means it wont be so hard for you to do the same right now. Good luck to you and your family.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:54 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • Why does he have to be the only one that works? Why don't you start your business and he stay home with the kids and do the housework? If this is your biggest issue with him and he does have trouble focusing then take charge.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:47 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • 12 years later and after separations and you wonder what to do ? I think you just want permission to cut him loose , You have mine dear enough is enough IMO
    freedomthinks

    Answer by freedomthinks at 11:51 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

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