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I am a lurker

I have to admit, I have begun to lurk in the Birthmoms group due to some of the activity here. I dont feel comfortable posting there but something caught my eye.

There is a woman who is planning on placing her child and has meet with the Acouple a few times already. That couple already has an open adoption with their other child's bmom. She is being warned that just because they have an open adoption with the other, it doesnt mean they wont close it on her.

The end result was that she was advised that she should contact the older childs bmom and interview her.

If the APs would not release the info on their other childs bmom, would that be a dealbreaker?

I feel that this unfairly punishes those who cant release the 1st bmoms info (foster care adoptions, bmoms who simply dont want a lot of contact, etc)

I have a very open adoption with my 2nd child but you couldnt have predicted that based on the 1st.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:25 AM on Nov. 27, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (25)
  • Why in the world, do you want to lurk, in their group? I think they are giving good advice, the contact info given to this new birthmother, could be done without giving away her confidentiality. I do not know why this would trouble anyone!

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:08 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • OP here: because I am interested in knowing what the issues are while not feeling its my place to comment because Im not a Bmom and I dont want to join the group. A couple of recent posts had links to it and it is a public group.

    The info wouldnt be confidential, she would be at min be requesting a name and phone number.

    My question is not to drive attention to this particular situation (that is why I didnt link it) but more to what I thought was an interesting dilema.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:42 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • Honestly based on my experience and knowing what I know now, it would most certainly have been a "deal breaker" for me.
    I think that if the first placement was because of foster adoption or if that bmom preferred less contact is still relevant and honestly there would be no harm in giving the information for both to talk.
    I would think it would be more important that Aparents are reaching out to the first bmom to gain permission and her comfort level.
    However if they appeared leary to even provide it - I would leary of their honesty.
    Of course going through what I have I rarely trust anyone anymore. Each person is probably different.
    Of course if this was even option back when I was going through the process, it never would have occurred to me to talk to the first bmom at all.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 10:45 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • This question is funny to me because you will now see couples who have open adoptions include letters/photos from their other childrens BMoms in their profiles. It, in a way, is a "marketing tool", sorry if that sounds so blunt but face it, in a way that is what it is.

    We didnt do this because our child's bmom is a private person and I didnt want to put her in that situation as to include her photo and personal journey out there for strangers to see. We printed out over 100 profiles and it is one thing to have our personal information out there but it is another to put hers there.

    I'd do whatever made the potential bmom more comfortable but hope I would only be involving our other childs bmom when the situation was pretty secure that we were being matched

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:31 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • AN ASSUMED NAME OR A MIDDLE NAME COULD BE USED, AS FOR A PHONE NUMBER, THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO CONTACT VIA PHONE, WITHOUT DIVULGING THE NUMBER ITSELF. IF I WERE GOING TO GIVE A BABY UP FOR ADOPTION, I WOULD WANT THE REFERNCE #. Like someone previously said, this would look like something was being hidden. This is too important, it is a baby, and I would want to know all I could about who would be taking my child forever.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:38 AM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • I have not felt that I should look at that group since I'm not a bmom. I'm actually surprised that it's open for all to see. I suppose that's just so women who need the support can see what they can find there. I think they do need a safe place to vent their feelings, and they certainly have a right to share their points of view with others, whether we agree with them or not.

    I'm a bit skeptical about "looking" for an EWCA that way. I'm not saying anything negative about anyone who does it that way, but in my experience, every "private" situation we found just led to disappointment. We used Catholic Charities both times. I know there are probably both good and bad offices, and they're not all the same. We were not asked for our first child's bmom's info, but she did offer to talk to our son's bmom (who did not accept the offer).

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 7:22 PM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • Note: if you look at the group descrption, it does invite everyone,not just bmoms.

    Not sure what you mean about "looking for an EMCA that way"? To be very clear, I am not scouting out that group trying to find a woman who is looking to make an adoption plan, I read through that group based on the many recent links from this section to it. .

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:05 PM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • Anon, I should clarify - I wasn't trying to be critical. I meant looking for a potential adoption situation on my own, which I tried. We made a webpage, sent out letters to churches, and tried to put the word out so people would keep us in mind if they heard anything. We spent money on a private homestudy (in addition to the agency homestudy), and took time off work for it. I basically meant that it was unsuccessful and disappointing for us. I hadn't gotten the impression that you were scouting the group looking for an EMCA. Sorry if it sounded that way.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:22 PM on Nov. 27, 2009

  • Asking to contact the birth mother of the child they already adopted does not seem unreasonable to me in the least, and I do not understand why an aparent would feel that it was an unusual request. It would not require that they breach the birth mom's privacy; they could simply ask her if she felt comfortable being in touch with an expectant mom who was considering them. If the adoption was not public knowledge or privacy was an issue, the birth mom and the expectant mom could talk by email or phone.

    Why wouldn't any aparent want an expectant mom to gain as much info as she could from any source? If an aparent seems reluctant about hooking up the two mothers, I would wonder why? As to whether or not it would be a deal breaker or not, it is hard to say. Of course, if the adoption was from foster care, that might change things. I think we are most specifically referring to DIA.

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:12 AM on Nov. 28, 2009

  • I believe that a birth mother has a better chance of an adoption succeeding and staying open if the adoptive parents have managed to have a successful first adoption. That fact should be very relevant to an expectant mom. In fact, I know that some aparents want things to be the same for both children, and if one does not have contact they worry about allowing it for another child.

    Some paps come to both birth mom groups and those for expectant moms considering their options hunting for babies to adopt. However, unless a group is specifically intended for matching, I think it is in extremely poor taste for paps to come to these groups looking to hook up with a pregnant woman. It is not allowed in most groups. Personally, as much as I dislike many adoption agencies, I think searching for a pregnant woman via the Internet or through other marketing techniques is distasteful.

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:20 AM on Nov. 28, 2009

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