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When do you put your foot down? Or how do you decide fairness in a marriage?

I'm so frustrated. I love my spouse. He is a great guy who works hard and is even trying to advance his career to better provide for us. I am one who tends to jump to anger but remains passive until I know exactly what is bothering me (and that it isn't hormonal! lol) I do a lot for him because he does a lot for me. I sahm to three- maybe four one day. But I feel like sometimes I find myself questioning the "fairness" of our arrangements. I get up with the kids, get up early in the morning with them too. We have so many that I don't get to nap but I also try to stay up late to spend time with my husband. I am just spent lately. And when we discuss it, it's like he blows me off. He actually said "push through it." He hasn't been supportive of my views for our kids' illness- says they are fine despite testing. I think I may have made it too cushy for him? Idk. I just don't know when to put my foot down :(

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:47 AM on Nov. 28, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • If he doesn't work today leave him home with the kids and see how he likes it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:53 AM on Nov. 28, 2009

  • Put your foot down now. Parenting and marriage has two sides and responsibility lines both sides. He doesn't get off scott free because he works full time. When he is at home he can take care of the kids while you go take a bath, or take a nap or something. On weekends he can get up early with the kids and let you sleep in. Men, especially one's married to SAHM's, think it's soo easy. They don't realize what we do all day, everyday with the kids. They think they can relate to it by spending a couple hours with them after work, but that doesn't even add up to what we do. When he has a day off, tell him he's taking care of the kids and you go out and have fun. Even if it's to go over to your mom's house to take a nap. Just get out of the house for a while and let him take care of them all day.

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:12 AM on Nov. 28, 2009

  • Decide what you think would be fair and then ask him for it directly....not in anger or frustration, but at a calm time when you're both having fun and in a good mood. Men appreciate directness but don't like complaining. "Honey, I would really love it if you would get up with the kids on the weekends for me, because I'd really like to catch up on my rest so I can have more energy for you in the evenings." Hint, hint. If that doesn't work and he refuses....then show him that you're hurt by it and leave it at that. He will more than likely come to a compromise with you.

    Answer by moniquinha at 1:06 PM on Nov. 28, 2009

  • I've learned to put my foot down by showing you first and talking about it later. When my hubby comes home, I'm out the door. Sometimes even overnight. Depending on how mad I am. You betta believe he learned real quick how much I put into these kids when I left. However, let me also say that men get spiteful when you turn the tables and my way could start a war. LOL

    Answer by Ewadun at 1:11 PM on Nov. 28, 2009

  • I have this problem with my husband and I have told him my feelings and he says it's how he was raised and told me exactly how it was around his house for the first 16 years.

    I have however found tricks to get him to help out. I put my 5 yr old in the shower right before I start making dinner...That way I'm too busy to help our son get out and dry off. I have to stop doing 100% and just slow down, slack off and DH will jump in pretty much all the time....also coming up with things to say that make a man think and not get mad helps as well.
    (the bathroom is between the kitchen and living room so this works)
    I find ways that "force" my husband to be more helpful. The one thing that does tick me off to know end is when I come home from the grocery store and he stands there watching me carry in 20 bags of food!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:07 PM on Nov. 28, 2009

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