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How does "lurking" affect your desire to post in groups?

Does knowing that someone is lurking (which is invited) in the birthmom's group and then posting about specific scenarios here in the Q&A section (which isn't) inhibit your desire or ability to post from your heart? Do you feel that expectant moms may be avoiding the groups or from asking their own questions due to feeling exposed?


Asked by Anonymous at 12:43 PM on Nov. 29, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • My assumption, even if a group is "private" that it is not really private. It doesn't matter to me if that is in person or if it is on the net. Unfortunately we live in a time where privacy is not valued. I would hope what you say in an AA group stays there, I have faith most of the time it does only stay in that support group you are in...but there have been cases of people's trust violated. On line, in my opinion, we need to be aware that even in closed groups people may read or take advantage of the things we post. I still share to a degree. It would not bother me to have a birthmother "lurk" in an adoptive parents forum. I would welcome it. I have never visited a birthmother site but see no reason why not to. As long as I was respectful, didn't post (because I am not a member), and kept an open mind....sure. I would certainly find it a learning opportunity and it could potentially help me to understand better.

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:52 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • I think it depends on the group. I know the birthmoms group is public and open to view, so what I say is more "censored", but I will not hesitate to tell an expectant mom that she really needs to think about what she is doing and that statistically, the open adoption she is being promised isn't guarenteed.

    I have a private group to truly vent about things. I censor my emotions in the public group, but the private group is where I pour it all out.

    Answer by randi1978 at 12:53 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • I havent been on the specified group's board. But these forums are here so that people can ask questions freely without feeling vulnerable or stupid. Sharing helps everyone learn and grow. If you want information, thats great and youll get a lot more if you ask questions, no matter how silly you may think it is. Someone else probably has the same question you do.

    Answer by Aqua_Jen at 1:22 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • I'm glad to hear there is a group that is private. I am not a bmom, but I think I would hold back a little if I knew everyone would be reading it.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 1:24 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • Why would you ask this question here rather than in the actual group?

    Wouldnt the members of THAT group be the best at telling you if they are hesitant to post in that group?

    Not sure what you mean about being invited. Is the Birthmothers group by invitation only?

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:34 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • This has been debated many, many times in the Birthmoms group (should the group be open or private). The creator of the group is not as active as she once was and the administrators (I am one) are trying to hold true to her wishes, even if they differ from our own at times.

    I don't get the worry about posting your feelings or thoughts - we all have the ability to ensure our profiles don't really give an indication to who we are in real life. I'm pretty bold and haven't ever received nasty PM's or postings on my profile.

    The way I found CafeMom and the wonderful women here is by doing a general google search on Birthmom support so I value the group being open.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 2:15 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • what is a birthmoms group?

    Answer by r00j04j08 at 2:45 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • The Birthmoms group is a CafeMom group - look under the "Groups" tab at the top of your CafeMom page and you'll find hundreds of groups created covering a whole host of topics.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 2:50 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • r00j04j08, there are groups here on CM for those of us who have children given up for adoption.

    Answer by randi1978 at 2:52 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • Port:
    As an administrator, do you feel violated by what was posted in the "lurking" post. And I am referring specifically to that post (I am the OP).

    SR: I would ask you the same as an adminstrator.


    Answer by Anonymous at 3:16 PM on Nov. 29, 2009