Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Has she been lying to me this whole time?

I was adopted when I was 18 months old and I've always known who my birthmother is. When I was 14 my adopted father died from cancer...and I felt like I needed a father in my life. I started my search for my birthfather and just found him and talked to him last night. Come to find out he said that my birthmother never told him about me and that he didn't even know I was in this world. I want a relationship with him so bad! I just wonder if she was lying to me the whole time? He seemed pretty upset with her. what should I believe? what should I do? I want to know what kind of man he is. plz help!

Answer Question
 
carolinagurl20

Asked by carolinagurl20 at 2:41 PM on Nov. 29, 2009 in Adoption

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Well, if this guy is really your birthfather all you can do is try to have a relationship with him. Don't think too hard about the fact that he didn't know, now he does, work on the present and the future, not the past. (I was adopted by my maternal grandparents and wasn't allowed to be around my dad and that side of my family and was told bad things about them. The whole situation of my adoption was surrounded by lies, every one trying to point fingers and make every one else look bad. I've had a hard time to stop digging for the truth but to just accept that it happened and there's nothing going to change it and I will never hear the honest truth.)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:48 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • Ask your mom why she didn't tell him....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:48 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • I would just let him know that you are interested in the future and let the past be the past, If he did know about you and just wasnt in your life then he may feel guilty about that, so he might be telling you what he thinks will make it easier on him?? Just my thoughts tho! I would dwell to much on the past, if he didnt know and you keep thinking he did then it wont do any good for either of you. Good luck!
    youlookin4me

    Answer by youlookin4me at 2:51 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • Are you sure he is your bio father? You may want to get a DNA check.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:08 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • Make sure that he is actually your birthfather. It may be that it is someone she slept with, but you weren't a result of that specific relationship. Get a DNA test to make sure that you two are actually father and daughter. If that is the case talk with your mother and ask her if she's been lying this whole time. If she actually never did tell the birth father about you, etc.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 4:19 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • Moms have a lot of reasons not to tell men that they've fathered kids, including the fact that they didn't. Without a DNA confirmation, I don't know that I'd believe it, in your position.

    You can have a relationship with all kinds of people, including older men in a position to be generous, non-sexual mentors. The fact that you (may) have located your male genetic donor doesn't mean he's fatherly, or that he automatically loves you. Expectations like that will drive you bananas.

    A friend says 'expectations are just planned disappointments.'

    Even if your real genetic father knew he has a child somewhere 'out there' he is unlikely to have any genuine feelings toward you, personally, because love is a contact disease: if he's never met you, he has nothing to love except an idea that may have no contact with reality.

    Look at what you're missing from your life to see why you think a Dad can fix it.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 10:40 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • because love is a contact disease

    Wow! What a negative way to consider love. I can assure you that mothers who never had the opportunity to touch their children (either because they were not allowed to because of closed adoption - or due to loss of a pregnancy) LOVED and still LOVE their children.

    Love is as open as you, yourself are - if you're not open to it then it won't affect you. If you are open to it, you have the ability to have a deep and abiding love for people you have never met - like my birth family (both mom and dad and others).
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 11:50 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • I think a dad would fix it b/c my adopted dad died when I was 14 and I already talked to my biological dad and he was very upset that he's missed out on 21 years of my life.
    carolinagurl20

    Answer by carolinagurl20 at 12:15 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • That is exactly why you shouldn't judge your birth mom before you talk to her about it. He may be a nice guy now but you don't know what kind of person he was back then, what he was into, how he treated her, was she scared of him, you never know. so Try not to get to angry until you get all the answers. What may not be a good reason to you in this day and age, may have been a very good reason to her back in those days. Maybe she never wanted him to know for a VERY good reason....so calm down and put your self in her shoes once you here the whole story, even if you don't think it was what you would have done she probably did what she thought was right. after you here the whole story you can move forward.
    crafty66

    Answer by crafty66 at 1:23 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • "Even if your real genetic father knew he has a child somewhere 'out there' he is unlikely to have any genuine feelings toward you, personally, because love is a contact disease: if he's never met you, he has nothing to love except an idea that may have no contact with reality."

    Huh? Mothers and fathers can love their children without knowing them, just as adopted children can sometimes love their birth parents without knowing them. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks of love as a "disease."

    "Look at what you're missing from your life to see why you think a Dad can fix it."
    She never said she thought a Dad could "fix" her life. It is perfectly natural that she might want to know her father.

    OP, try not to judge your birth mom too harshly. Talk to her, maybe she thought not telling him was the right thing to do. Adoptions in the past were even more full of lies than many of those today.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:38 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.