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Birthmothers, did you feel like this too?

I put my baby girl up for adoption 8 weeks ago. Everytime I see a pregnant women or a baby I want to cry. I dont want to go anywhere because Im afraid of seeing a baby. I dont want to feel like this Im trying to get on with my life but its so hard when theres so many painful reminders. Help?

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kirstenshaye

Asked by kirstenshaye at 11:17 PM on Nov. 29, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (13)
  • It comes and goes. By my daughter's first year, my cousin had a baby, my best friend's sister had a baby. Holding the babies was almost too much for me at times. It made it all the more difficult because my older daughter wondered why they were keeping their babies but we had given ours away.

    Adoption sucks. End of story.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 11:38 PM on Nov. 29, 2009

  • I've been reading your posts, and I'm sorry for the pain you are going through, I hope it gets easier, but I wouldn't kknow... I am a PAP, hoping one day to have a baby girl of my own, I can tell you, it's not any easier from my side, not being able to have children, and seeing all pf the precious little babies out there, it breaks my heart, we have been through 2 failed adoptions, and sometimes I wonder if I will ever have a baby girl of my own.... I hope I don't get bashed for posting... I will be praying for you...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:13 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • Yes - the first 2 1/2 years were gut wrenching. Nobody would be expecting you to get on with your life if you had lost a child to death. Unfortunately, people don't equate a birth mom's choice in adoption with the resulting grief and loss. Even if you are absolutely convinced that your decision was the right one - there is still grief and loss. A good decision or "right" decision does not make the grief and loss go away.

    Do you have anyone in your life that you can talk with about how you are feeling? Do you have any post-adoption counsel available to you?
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 12:14 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • Anon :13, I am so very sorry that things have not gone well for you. While I can never understand your pain, I do feel that it is important to hear from that side of the coin as well. For those who have surrendered and those looking to adopt, being around babies can be torture and that is something we can all certainly agree on.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 12:21 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • Absolutely, The summer after my first was born I was a lifeguard at the club my family belonged to; watching all those moms and their babies everyday was indescribable pain,As Port said the inability to feel free to express your pain is so difficult.It would be a help to you if you were able to talk with someone about this.The pain doesn't disappear but keeping it inside allows it to fester.We are here for you,support you and care about you but to actually talk to someone trained would help you a lot.Please take care of you.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 12:57 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • I think you will find that this is common among birth moms. Give yourself the time that you need. Many birth moms believe that it is best to just try to stop thinking about their child and move on with their lives. However, I believe in the long run that birth moms are better off if they take the necessary time to grieve their loss, preferably with the help of a therapist or counselor who understands the process of grieving. Although adoption loss is different from losing someone via death, the process of grieving both losses is similar. In order to begin to heal, I think you first have to allow yourself to cry, grieve and be sad. There is no getting around it, if you do not allow yourself adequate time to grieve, it will catch up with you eventually.

    I am sorry for your loss and hope you are able to find a good therapist and/or birth parent support group. Your feelings are quite normal, considering your loss.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:27 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • Yes that's very common. It's also common to have the feelings of loss pop up at other times in your life. It really helps to talk to other birthmothers (in person if possible) and is DOES get better even if it never exactly goes away. I'm five months from the son I gave up turning 18 so I do know it can get better.
    ASunny

    Answer by ASunny at 1:34 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • KIRSTEN, HUGS, to you my young sweet friend. I can only say for me, I never know what will set me into a sad mood. I relinquished 23 yrs ago...I have virtually NO memory of the first 2 yrs following my ordeal. However, in MY journey, I was "made" to choose between losing the twins, and their older brother, OR sign the papers. After the first 4 full days of giving birth the the most amazing set of twin sons...I remember nothing else...seriously. Now, on Memorial day of this year, I along with my bestest friend of 30 yrs, celebrated, by going to the DV THRIFT STORE( love to save money, and help out our disabled vets). While in this store, J. and I, were having a ggod time, critiquing each other, when suddenly...I heard this amazing , beautiful little cry, and instantly I began to cry! J, asked me what was wrong, I told her nothing, she said she could see differently...(she knows how TOUGH I am), I told her that babies...
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 9:24 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • cry, was exactly the sound of MY twins cry, that I had last heard when they were 3 days old. Now mind you , I have heard many many infants cry, and NEVER had this done this to me before. The sound was EXACTLY like the sound of my babies. So, in telling you this, NONE of us can possibly know , what, when, or where this will happen. I just received a picture of my sons, when they were 13 days old(was promised pics. for the first 2 yrs...NEVER received any...until 5-6 weeks ago...I was in AWE...all I could do was stare at that picture...then my Hottie, came up behind me, and said' What are you doing lil Mommy? He saw the picture, kissed me on the neck, and said..You know you would have been a good Mommy to those twins don't you?" Then the tears flowed, I silently wept...NO ONE had ever said that to me. Yet, I am a very tough, secure, and happy person...I never know! Blessings, and Serene peace be in your life,C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 9:29 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

  • I went through this as well. A friend of the family had her baby in the same hospital, the same day as me. She had a little girl and to this day when I see this girl I cry. She will be graduating from HS this year, and it is so hard to not think of my son. I watched this girl grow up in the same town I live in, participate in school functions, she is friends with my children...it is still heart wrenching.

    After the birth of my son, I went back to work in my mom's home daycare. I actually found the babies there help me cope, being able to hold them, rock them, feed them, dress them, in a way it was theraputic for me. However it did not come without without some sadness.

    It did get a little easier for me over time, however it never it goes away completely. The saddness, the feeling of emptiness...has never gone away, but it has gotten easier to work through. I'm so sorry your hurting. ***HUGS***
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 10:14 AM on Nov. 30, 2009

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