I will be the first to say that when the idea of OA was first presented to us, I was not thrilled about it. I'd never heard of it before and had the usual misunderstandings (co-parenting, etc.). My big fear was that the bfamily would be critical of my parenting and undermine my confidence. We were probably two years into our first OA before my heart was really in it. We value keeping our word, so we had every intention of keeping contact, even before we were fully convinced that it was best.
Our first agency gave a list of books for "suggested" reading, but I thought I was too busy. Our second agency gave a list of 8 books for required reading. I resented it at the time because I was doing pre-reqs for Nursing and had a toddler, but now I believe the reading helped me.
We now consider our kids' bmoms to be our own extended family.
I'd like to hear how others felt early on, then later. Please, no drama mamas.
Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:23 AM on Dec. 1, 2009
Intially my husband wanted no contact with any biological family member. This was before we even settled on which adoption organization or really set any plans into motion. I was used to "open" adoptions in the sense I had adoptees as clients who were being parented by extended family who adopted them. Of course the child knew and in most cases there was contact. It was not given the formal name of "open" adoption. I also saw some complications from different angles. I also worked with kids/teens who were struggling with identity issues because they were not given all the information. I don't know. It was a gradual process. When our adoption organization educated us on "open" adoptions it made sense to me. As a clinician it just clicked. For my husband he needed more information and research. My great disappointment was that it has not gone the way I thought it would. I thought if I were open, friendly, and fair
Answer by frogdawg at 9:56 AM on Dec. 1, 2009
it would work out for the best. It hasn't failed. It is just my child's birthmother has some things she is living with that make it hard for her to have a healthy relationship with him or with us. Intellectually I understand but I also have some fears and concerns. Its a tug of war. In the best case scenario I want her to call once a month, for me to send pictures, e-mails, updates, and to visit once a year (we live far away). But she doesn't give us her number, we don't have her address, and I wish we did. But I will say I am going to be much more cautious next time around. I want to have some idea that we can have that healthy great relationship with my future child's birthparents. It has been said there are no guarantees when it comes to adoptive families. Well, there is no guarantee birthparents are going to want to be updated and available.
Answer by frogdawg at 10:05 AM on Dec. 1, 2009
Answer by frogdawg at 10:08 AM on Dec. 1, 2009
Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:31 AM on Dec. 1, 2009
Answer by hollyanne31 at 10:52 AM on Dec. 1, 2009
Answer by SandalsKitty at 12:59 PM on Dec. 1, 2009
Answer by Iamgr8teful at 1:52 PM on Dec. 1, 2009
DBF, I know that with foster-adopt it is not always possible or advisable to have continued contact. Is there any possibility that you and your son will have contact with his bfamily at some point in the future?
Iamgr8teful, the short answer is yes. And it involves 2 grandparents, one who visited him several times while he was in care even though she was not a candidate for placement (I am so grateful to have a few pics of him and her together) and another who he was almost placed with.
Answer by doodlebopfan at 5:09 PM on Dec. 1, 2009
Answer by Iamgr8teful at 5:20 PM on Dec. 1, 2009