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Do you believe the reasons for most birth parents who relinquish their child because they have a mental, drug, or alcohol problems?

My thought is NO. I guess I'm a bit biased because I am a birth mother, but this is such a common misbelief that people seem to have.

I don't have a mental, drug, OR alcohol problem.
The reason for me relinqushing my child has NOTHING at all to do with me, but what I wanted for my child.

There are MANY parents out there who are raising their children who have mental disorders; who are alcoholics and drug users.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:01 AM on Dec. 2, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (21)
  • I definitely do not think those are the reasons most mothers choose to place their child.
    VanessaV

    Answer by VanessaV at 12:03 AM on Dec. 2, 2009

  • I have never thought that
    I know a few who gave their children up and they were fantastic people they just could not provide for a child at the moment. They themselves were struggling and they wanted the best thing possible for their child so they gave them to families who could take care of them
    Mrs.Owen86

    Answer by Mrs.Owen86 at 12:04 AM on Dec. 2, 2009

  • I'm not adopted and did NOT grow up in a stable home. There are NO parents that are perfect.

    But think, for people who aren't a part of the adoption triad they do not understand the reasonings most birth parents have for their decision(s). I know before I even thought about adoption when I was pregnant I remembering thinking, "How could ANYONE give their child away?" I was dumbfounded by it, but now I do have an understanding. For everything I have gone through after placing my son up for adoption it makes me cringed when I hear the reasoning why birthparents must relinquish must be due to a mental disorder or some addiction problem.

    No. For some women they were forced, others pressured, and some.. well just weren't ready to parent. Is that too hard to understand? How we do it, I don't know. I barely survived it and I still have troubles with it.. but damn.. Do NOT clump us all into one category.. it's wrong.
    rainfalls

    Answer by rainfalls at 12:11 AM on Dec. 2, 2009

  • I don't believe it's due to those things most of the time. Can it happen like that? Probably. But usually? Probably not. My dd was not using at the time she opted to relinquish. She was raised by a less than stable birthmother and had vowed from a young age to not raise a child in a similar manner. Thank heavens, she's carrying our first grandson and is scared but feels stable enough to parent this time. I'm proud of her. She will be an awesome Mommy. It's my job to keep her focused on that. Her words about OUR son whom she relinquished rights on "I know I did the right thing. He was growing and couldn't wait. I had so much maturing to do and I know you he has the right mommy and daddy. I love him too much to have expected him to suffer. He needed parents way sooner than I could have done it. I love him. I always will. It hurts. But it was right for us.".
    Far from drugs or mental illness.
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 12:50 AM on Dec. 2, 2009

  • No, I absolutely do NOT believe that women only relinquish because of drugs, mental illness or alcohol problems. My initial idea of adoption was teen pregnancy. Girls in high school that couldn't parent because they were still children themselves. However, as I have learned these past years, that even older moms (up to their 40's), moms who were going thru divorces, and single mothers have all placed children for adoption. I have always believed that a mother must feel that it was the right thing to do at the time for the child. And I do consider it an act of love and putting the child first. That is their intent. However, dealing with foster care situations can sway your thinking that all birth mothers are like the OP posted (drugs, etc.) Even in foster care situations, it might be a loving mother with no support system, no job/car/house, and because of her instability or inability to provide, she may relinquish.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 1:04 AM on Dec. 2, 2009

  • I wanted to keep my baby. I thought I was keeping my baby. It wasn't any of the above reasons. My family didn't want me to. Her dad didn't want me to. Everyone told me that if I loved her, I would give her a good home, with 2 stable parents. They told me they would not help me. My parents were so messed up. My mom was adopted. My father was half adopted. I now believe this weighed strongly in their choice. I had embarrassed them. They had plenty of money , so that wasn't it. I was being punished for being bad. They really thought I would forget. They never mentioned her again, until the last few years , when this all blew up. My mother found the adoptive parents through a friend. I didn't pick anyone. It seemed surreal. I was told it would be open. Things are so different now. I don't know what else to say...
    stillamom1213

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 1:55 AM on Dec. 2, 2009

  • Technically you are incorrect:

    MOST adoptions in the US are because of Foster care and MOST Foster Care adoptions are because of Drugs or Alcohol, or Mental problems.

    MOST women out there who are "Bmoms" lost their kids, they didnt place them.

    Do I believe that most Domestic Adoptions or International Adoptions are because of Drugs, Alcohol, Mental issues etc, ABSOLUTELY NOT! But I can see where the confusion lies, you have to keep explaining that you are talking about adoption or foster care adoption

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:15 AM on Dec. 2, 2009

  • I do NOT believe most women who make an adoption plan for their child are mental or addicted. I know some people actually think this though per some answers or questions I have seen here before.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:27 PM on Dec. 2, 2009

  • OP here-

    I'm pretty sure I specified considering I said "birthmothers who relinquished" not "birthmother who had their rights taken away."

    They are two distincts statements.

    I'm happy we're all on the same page, and I completely agree with what I've said being about mother's who have had their rights taken away. I'm talking about women who decided to place.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:56 PM on Dec. 2, 2009

  • OP again.. I'm meant what has been said... not what I've said.

    OOPS.

    This came up because my son's adoptive mother had told me she was talking about how she adopted her son. People often ask her if anything is wrong with him, or if the birthmother was on drugs, etc.

    It's so offensive and hurtful. I didn't even take tylenol when I was pregnant. I stayed away from absolutely everything to ensure my baby would be healthy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:58 PM on Dec. 2, 2009

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