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Is my husband being too extreme here???

My husband makes sexist jokes about me a lot. Last night he was waving a condom around and I said in a playful way that it would suck if that broke on him. He said it would be funny though to have to watch me clean it up. I was so offended by that crude statement that I rolled over and went to sleep. Today I act as if he didn't say it. I try to let it go and have a nice day with him. It goes fine until we go visit my mom and he starts talking to her about our money issues. I have asked him to not do that. I like my privacy. Well, he ignored me. He said later he didn't understand why I was upset over it. I told him that he should because I asked him to not talk to her about that before. So he says to me that he never listens to me he tunes me out when I start talking to him. I start to cry and he then says oh whats wrong babe..tell me what's wrong! I get so mad and confused by these head games that I blurt out I hate you ....

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:31 PM on Dec. 3, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • If he cannot respect you enough to listen to your feelings, then I'd say that you should have gotten to know him better before you married him. If he will not listen to you and take your feelings into consideration, then you may as well pack and leave.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 6:33 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • My husband does the same exact things. He has a BIG sex drive and i cant stand it! And he does the opposite of what i tell him to do. It gets a bit much. Just tell him how you feel and tell him that if he doesnt start respecting you more that its over. I know its hard but maybe it might make him act different.

    Answer by CandyMama231 at 6:35 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • really loudly. He looks at me and leaves the room. I don't go after him because I knew I shouldn't have said that. He comes back to me 2 hours later and asks if I want to talk. He starts telling me that me saying I hated him is the same as him calling me a crazy bitch all the times he got mad at me and like when he says he wants me to die and go away. I tried to tell him that I understood why it was hurtful to him but it was not the same as him saying all that to me. I didn't call him names like that or say I wanted him to be gone. I was on edge and I said something I shouldn't have said. He cut me off and said that it is the same and if I ever say it again he promises he will divorce me. I think that is harsh! When he has exploded out of anger, I have been there for him and have said that it isn't necessary for him to act that way bc it will make it worse but I didn't threaten to divorce him. He is so cold to me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:35 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • you need to put down your foot more.
    you should be respected and demand it from him, he's your husband.
    Now we all have our problems and maybe this is his...if this is not okay with you, which it shouldnt be, then have him do counseling with you and if he wont then go by yourself. The problem with that is you'll be growing and gaining knowledge and he wont but urge him to go with you, that way you have someone to mediate for you both.

    Maybe? or you can do what me and my SO tried while we were having a complete disconnect.
    we would sit across from each other and write our feelings on index cards so we couldnt cut each other off or tune one another out...its worth a try

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 6:37 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • My DH threw the divorce card at me one to many times and I called his bluff and filed. he realized that most of the issues were on him and decided to change. now that doesn't mean that I didn't have some growing to do as well but at least he woke up and realized that he was part of the problem too. He is using divorce as a way to keep you in line. He is controlling and disrespectful. He needs to straighten up or you need to leave.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 6:37 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • just read the rest...

    if it upsets him that much he has the right to divorce you, i dont think its too much
    just because you will take the verbal abuse doesnt mean he will

    you both need to respect each other. try what I suggested with the counseling or index cards, he needs to know why it was said, even though you dont mean it, theres still a reason behind it and if he understood that maybe you both can go to a positive direction in your relationship .

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 6:42 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • Get out. He is not husband material. He will mess up your mind so bad you will never be happy even when you find a decent man. Get out and get help before it's too late.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:42 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • anon542 is right for the most part. Don't play degrading games with him. Get into counseling if you want to give him one more chance with counselling onging for at least a year. Call around to different places for counseling prices. If you can't afford it or he or you don't want to go long term then it's time to part. What would you tell a friend who came to you with that problem, what would you tell a daughter if you have one? Wouldn't you tell them that they deserve to feel respected and not be verbally abused? Treat yourself like you would treat a beloved female friend or family member.

    Answer by lfl at 6:50 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • My husband has done similar things. For example, looking down my shirt while I am at work (I work for the government!!!!!) and checking out my body like a creepy pervert & replacing my photo on his phone with a pornographic image.... He also makes me out to be a total hero wife when talking to his dad, but when talking to his mom, makes me out to be a total biotch....

    I sent him an email about these things actually - because when he did it at our work (he works here but in another department) I didn't want to address it right then in the office, but wanted to address it immediately. It was difficult for him to understand what the big deal was. (He had never done these things before and was doing them to try to coerce me in to having more sex with him by "making me feel more attractive" *gag*)

    Once he understood, he cut it out - but now he whines about how he's afraid to take initiative for intimacy. Men are stupid....

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:04 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • He's not very mature. He needs to provide for his family and quit letting others know he's a loser.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:05 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

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