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How do you forgive your parents?

I'm going to make this short and simple ( i dont like to talk about it) when I was growing up maybe from 9-16 years old I remember my older sister and I would get hit with my fathers belt. I'm 27 years old and I cant get the images out of my head. I still talk to my parents and they have a relationship with my daughter. but I need closure I need to find out if anyone out there went though the same thing. None of my friends know because I dont like to talk about it, but I need advice till this day it stills hurts emotionally. When I ask my parents why they did what they did they say " oh thats how we were rised so thats how we knew how to punish our kids". Thats a poor excuse, I would never put my daughter through that...

 
Destany22

Asked by Destany22 at 7:27 PM on Dec. 3, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (6)
  • What you went through is exactly what I try to explain to parents who strike their children. It not only bruises their spirit it hurts them to the core forever. I can't make the images go away but I can tell you that I'm sorry they did that to you. Their excuse shows ignorance. Stop the cycle is a good thing a person can do and I'm proud of you to see that is what you need to do in your own life with your child. Good for you. When I found out I was pregnant I went to every parenting class I could find and took child psychology classes so I wouldn't repeat the dumb things my own parents did. As for closure, you may have to just work through it on your own and know that the closure is to abuse in the family by you not keeping the cycle going.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:38 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • I think it's a form of abuse. If thats there answer they will never give you another one. I was punished by a belt to, but sometimes it went to far. I remember one night me and my brothers got wipped for over 2hrs cause sm1 got into a personal thing of my moms. I think the belt is a cop out for parents that don't know how to effectively discipline there children, All you can do is talk about it with them. If they keep giving you the same answer theres not much that can be done execpt let them know you clearly have emotional scars from it. I know I wont forget the times me or my brothers were whipped.Spanking with a belt just makes kids afraid, why would you want your kids scared of you? thats my philosophy/
    babycakes111

    Answer by babycakes111 at 7:38 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • I agree, that is a poor excuse. But there is something else to think about. A great many things are in fact learned behavior. It was done to them, so they did it to you because that is what they knew how to do for discipline. You would not do that to your daughter.......but remember that you know more about the potential psychological effects than they did. Back then, none of the emotional stuff was even considered and we know so much more now than they knew then. I think an important step in being able to forgive them/move on is to ask one big question.... If your parents had known then, what YOU know now... would they have done it the same way? Like I said, we know SO much more now about the potential mental and emotional side effects than they knew when you were that age. That knowledge is a great motivator to find different disciplinary methods and it is something they prob. didn't know. Something to think about
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:43 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • There is a great book called, Toxic parents by Ph.D. Susan Reed. I think you will find it liberating. You don't have to forgive the abuse you suffered at the hands of whom supposed to protect you. You will simply learn techniques to deal with the aftermath. Their excuse of not knowing any better is absurd. Tell me in what world could your say: I didn't know that killing was a crime, therefore I shall not be accountable for it. Nowhere that's the answer.

    Claiming not to know is no excuse for not owning their behavior. Now, I think that you are extremely generous by allowing them access to your child. There are issues unresolved that need to be dealt with before they die. Don't be a victim any more, get it out of you chest so you can move on with your life and make peace with that chapter. The book cost about $15 is way cheaper than therapy and worth every penny. I am proud of you for braking the cycle.
    bebita

    Answer by bebita at 8:01 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • I went through very different (and some similair) abuse at the hands of my parents, and it has taken me years to get through most of it (I still have my days). What finally helped me get past the brunt of it was when I decided that they no longer deserved that power over me. I don't know that I so much forgave them as chose to move beyond them. Either way, its very liberating.
    IrishMommaC

    Answer by IrishMommaC at 8:05 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THANK YOU TO ALL THE LADIES THAT LEFT ME A MESSAGE REGARDING ABUSE, I CRIED READING EVERYONE OF THEM, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HONESTLY AND HELPING ME TO SEE FURTHUR THAN THE ABUSE. GOD BLESS YOU ALL, LISA
    Destany22

    Answer by Destany22 at 9:12 AM on Dec. 4, 2009