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Do I think about us as a future or just look out for baby?

My boyfriend and I are having a baby in January. He graduated school last year and moved 200 miles away. He won't move back here where I am and wants me to move there after the baby is born. I'm scared to move because he doesn't want to make any commitments to getting married and I have a very supportive family here. His family lives there and is not supportive of our soon to be family. I'm not finished with school yet, but I'm willing to put that on hold if the sacrifices are for "us" as a family. I feel like moving there is a gamble because if we dont work out then I have no degree and a baby, plus I've left my support system. He thinks that a baby is no reason to rush us getting married and I can see his side, but I also wonder if he's not ready to be a real family then what's the point in playing house till he is ready? Would it be a big mistake to move there to try to give my baby a family?

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:27 PM on Dec. 3, 2009 in Babies (0-12 months)

Answers (33)
  • FINISH SCHOOL! Do nothing till you've done that.

    He's not committing. That means you have a high risk that he'll dump you...and you won't have your education to fall back on if it winds up being just you and baby.

    Best thing you can do for baby is make sure he has a mom who CAN fend for herself without a man if need be.

    Yes, moving would be an enormous mistake. And if he was smart he'd know that.

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:32 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • If you do not move out there, will you still be a family? 200 miles is only a few hours of a drive. Not impossible to visit and/or spend weekends and holidays.

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 9:33 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • My family thinks it would be a huge mistake if he's not willing to marry me. He says he's just not ready to marry me now, that he needs more time. I feel like my baby deserves a family and I would like it to work, but I don't want to put school on hold and have nothing to show for myself. Moving away seems like a gamble to me. My family is really happy about a grandchild and has already helped me a lot. Is this just religious propaganda that I'm buying into? I feel like if it's going to work it will whether we are at least engaged or not, but I would like to see some commitment and I don't think he will budge on it. I know men like to do things on their own time, but maybe I should stay here until he's ready. He's also upset because I told him I would end our relationship if he doesn't either move here or get engaged when I move there. Am I a crazy hormonal nutcase?

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:34 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • To mommy lee: We wouldn't really be a family if he stayed 200 miles away. I've done this long distance relationship for almost a year already. We wouldn't be married or have a home together. He would visit every two weeks like he does now, while I raise a baby alone. I feel like if I have to do it alone, then I might as well be alone and maybe someday find someone who really does want to be with me.

    Answer by BABYJANUARY2010 at 9:37 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • i agree, i would definatly finish school & stay with ur support system, at least until hes ready.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 9:38 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • It would be a mistake in my opinion. Look out for your baby first. You can't depend on him if he can't commit to you. If you stay in your current home then you can depend on your family and yourself especially when you finish school. Btw you finishing school is what's best for baby right now. Until the baby's father can step up then like you said there's no use trying to play house. He obviously isn't ready yet.

    You aren't a nutcase either. If he wants to be in the baby's and your life then he will make it happen. He needs to make some kind of effort instead of putting it all on you. He chose to move, you didn't make that decision for you. He is choosing to not make a commitment, not you. You are hormonal, yes, but that's just part of being pregnant; and in all reality he should have stuck around to support you through your pregnancy.

    Answer by heartfrommyson at 9:44 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • Oh op I agree with you on you being the one raising the baby alone while he was away. It doesn't seem fair to me or like he cares enough to change. I don't know your situation well but in general that's how I feel.

    Answer by heartfrommyson at 9:46 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • Finish school while you have the chance. If he really wants to be with you he will amke an effort. Enjoy your baby & go on with life, don't let him have control of your life choices.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:46 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • No dont move. A ton will change after the baby. And it's not always easy the first year with a baby. Ive been with my husband since 1998 and his family completly changed on me after I had a baby! Stay where you are. If he loves you he will chase you. I was raised not to chase a man. You sound like a smart girl. Stay home.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:48 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

  • What good is moving there if he isn't ready to marry you? A baby will not change his mind. If anything kids put a bit of a strain on relationships within the first year. It will only get worse. Your family sounds great. Listen to them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:50 PM on Dec. 3, 2009

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