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You tell them to write their baby letters.

I can understand how this is therapy for a grieving birthmother. But do you think it is fair to the child to actually share those letters when he/she is an adult? I really don't think that sharing these letters is a healthy thing to do for the adoptee. It is not the adoptees job to heal the heart of their birthmother.

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:45 PM on Dec. 7, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (7)
  • I agree-if it's an open adoption, just share the happy things, not the boo hoo hoo stuff. They're children for crying out loud

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:32 PM on Dec. 7, 2009

  • OP-No, and I meant to put that she should not send these raw, new feelings that she is still processing. Thank you for posting this and I will go back to her question just to reiterate. THANK YOU. I had gotten distracted, but remember others saying to NOT send these letters. This part of healing is for HER, not the baby or aparents. THANK YOU, again!

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 6:52 PM on Dec. 7, 2009

  • I have a journal... I continue to write in it, but I also have a seperate one for my son. The one for my son are letters I write to him. Just letting him know what's going on in my life, how much I miss him, how happy I am that he's doing so well, that I love him, and miss him. The list really goes on...

    As far as my other journal goes.. No. I won't EVER show him that journal. If he ever wants to know what I went through I'll tell him to the best of my memory, but he doesn't need to know every crucial detail. The last thing I want is for my child to feel guilty for what I had gone through. That in no way is his problem to take on.

    I grew up with parents who told me everything and it just makes you feel crappy and guilty. I promised myself I wouldn't ever do that to my children.

    Answer by rainfalls at 6:56 PM on Dec. 7, 2009

  • Hmm, I was never told to and I've never written letters to my child...At least not ones that were hand-written or printed, I've typed stuff on the computer but didn't save it...she'll be 10 in a couple of weeks. Does that make me a bad birthmom? We have an open adoption, and she knows that she can ask both me and her a-parents anything anytime and we'll answer her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:01 PM on Dec. 7, 2009

  • It's good to write to your child as It lets them know that you are thinking about them and care about them. But, you're right. Do not share letters or journals detailing pain because as you say it is most definitely not their job to heal you. Birth mothers that do that are only heaping more problems onto their children.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:23 PM on Dec. 7, 2009

  • But....remember adoptees grow up. So if an adoptee requests that level of information at an older age then you have to consider that request.

    My daughter had access to me from age 7 on in completely open adoption. I never revealed the darker, deeper insights into my end of the experience until she began in her mid-teens to ask very thoughful and respectful questions of what it was like for me. For my daughter, it was important for her journey to know my how my journey was as well.

    It made all the difference in the world to our relationship - to her healing to know that I love her parents very much but at the same time wish I had never let her go. I did not lay that on her so that I could be healed - I already was healed by facing and owning my decision.

    When adoptees come of age (or as they are coming of age) then they should be respected and supported about what they are desiring to know.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 2:48 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • I encourage my daughter to write to our son. I ask her that when she is going thru various stages, to please write to him and share her love and her yearnings, what she's feeling and experiencing, etc.... because someday he might want to know the secret moments of her mother's heart when he is mature enough to handle it.

    I don't ask to see the letters, they're not any of my business - but I do ask that she writes them. She's shared with me that it's helped her and someday he might want to ask her questions that time may have faded memories of if she doesn't journal them.

    Our adoption, clearly, isn't closed - he knows her and knows her role in his life - but someday, he might ask questions that I can't answer - and that she may not as vividly recall the answers to. It's far from HER healing but more of a record of love and the journey that she's sharing with him.

    Answer by AAAMama at 4:38 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

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