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Back handed comments - what do you think?

So I know this mother who likes to make comments that imply how much better she is than everyone else. One example: I tend to let my son (15 months) explore his surroundings. If he climbs something I like to "spot" him so that he can learn how to use his body safely rather than grabbing at him so he feels like he has to sneak away from me to try to climb something. She made a comment about how she is more "cautious" than I am. I ignored it, but it still got me angry because I am EXTREMELY cautious with my son, I just also like to give him space to learn on his own.

Anyway, these comments are pretty frequent and while I try to be sympathetic and say things that are supportive to her(like when she starts to feel bad about going back to work I tell you "you worked hard to get into your profession, there is no reason why you shouldn't be working!),she doesn't afford me the same respect.
I guess this is just a vent! Thanks!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:01 AM on Dec. 8, 2009 in Just for Fun

Answers (10)
  • If she's saying these things and feels guilty or whatever about going back to work, she probably feels inadequate as a mom. It sounds like she's trying to find "faults" in other moms to make herself feel better. Chances are she doesn't know how to make the best of being a working mom and projects her feelings of inadequacy onto other women. I know a lot of people like that...ugh. Kudos to you for trying to support her, though. Way to be the bigger person :)

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:09 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • You have two options, you can maintain your friendship and tell her how you feel when she makes a comment like that. Some people have no tact and actually don't realize their comments are hurting another person's feelings. My mother in law is that way. But then there are those people who feel the need to say things in a condescending way with the intent of making people feel bad. If that is the case, then its time to find another friend. Life is too short, make it a good one!

    Answer by Lifes-A-Dance at 9:21 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • She may be jealous, avoid her as much as possible.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:22 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • Yeah, I get those. My daughter didn't want to go to bed so when I put her down she had a fit! And a friend goes "I'm so glad my daughter never did that". What was total bull anyway becuase her husband had said just a few days prior that he used to spank his daughter when she wouldn't take a nap so she'd be forced to. WTF, right?! Then again, these are the same people who's daughter refused to eat for 2 weeks becuase "daddy doesn't have a job and can't afford food". (she's 4!) So yeah, they are up for parents of the year soon.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:25 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • She must be related to my SIL! LOL. My MO with my SIL is to not fall into the trap of trying to defend myself or my actions. My baby, my decision. Period. I just had to harden myseld a bit so I would not Care what she thought and not to get pissed off everytime she opens her mouth!

    P.S. I agree with you - you have to let kids experience things for themselves!

    Answer by chefronswife at 9:25 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • LOL! I get those all the time from my hubby's family about how we never see them... and I feed the comments right back because it's bull. Like in your situation with being "cautious" I probably would've said "Yeah, I guess I'm just not a paranoid person... boys will be boys!"

    Sometimes people don't realize how rude they are when they say those things... and OTHER times, they're doing it on purpose. Those are the times when I fight back.

    Answer by ddmac314 at 9:50 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • sometimes when we are having a bad day, or our mood is otherwise unpleasant, we take things the wrong way. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but i happens all the time. She might not be trying, to upset you, perhaps she's comfortable with you, and feels like she can express herself freely, thats not a bad thing. Mabe she's a proud mother like we all are and is only expressing that to you, not trying to upset you. Mabe you can respond with something your proud of, say something like " thats great for you, i have been happy about ..... " and mention something that makes you feel good about YOU., Not being nasty but its OK for you to be happy about what you've done as a mom too.

    good luck


    Answer by EarthHippy at 9:56 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • Ugh. I despise that. My grandmother is like that. I'm fairly certain she just doesn't think through her words before they come out. Example: When I was a kid, my hair was extremely curly and wildly out of control at times. My mother was a hairdresser at the time. Once, after I'd come in from playing, I sat in my stepmom's lap and my grandmother said "You'd think, as a hairdresser, [her mom] could keep her hair from being so ugly." My stepmom looked at ME and said "You're hair isn't ugly, baby, your hair is very beautiful!!" My grandmother immediately backtracked, because she hadn't really thought about what she was saying. My stepmom told me when I was grown that if I hadn't been in her lap, she might seriously have decked my grandmother for saying it in front of me, lol.

    My point is, there may be a chance she doesn't realize she's doing it, in which case pointed comments may wake her up.......or not.

    Answer by DusterMommy at 10:19 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • I get stuff like that alot. I do the same thing as you, let my very active son explore his surroundings in a safe manner. Kids get bruises, bump their heads, etc. It is inevitable. Mostly it is the Grandma's that worry about things like this. As for friends, well, I have one that is constantly throwing out those backhanded comments about the fact that I'm a SAHM and that I'm not one for the Mommy social scene. I've learned to ignore it and I limit my time with her.

    Answer by WindyTheWidow at 10:30 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • I think there are many mothers out there who need to be constantly reminded that they are good mothers. They even need to remind themselves and often do this by criticizing other mothers or secretly thinking to themselves "I"m such a great mom, so much better than others because I don't do....' You get the picture. Personally, I think these types are very insecure. If everyone would just realize that there's no 'perfect mother' model, we could all stop bragging, assessing, and over-aggressively parenting our children. We could relax! I don't know about anyone else, but I'm too damn busy to care about how I measure up as a mother.

    Answer by danielp at 11:50 AM on Dec. 8, 2009

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