Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

The mother can take the child back?

Recently, DH and I's mutual friends adopted a little girl. Ted and Janet had the baby for 3 weeks, and all of a sudden, POOF!

Authorities handed the baby back to mom!

How can this happen? Ted and Janet waited 6 years to find that they could not conceive, then 3 years for the adoption approval and to actually get a baby! Then, the $70 k+ it took to pay medical bills and adopt, and it's all gone!

Is this the new way to make money? Set your kid up for adoption, have your medical bills paid, and take the kid back?!

Answer Question
 
matobe

Asked by matobe at 5:24 PM on Dec. 8, 2009 in Adoption

Level 21 (10,174 Credits)
Answers (51)
  • If a mother changes her mind it makes no difference if those ppl waited 6 yrs or 12 yrs...sorry but they aren't more deserving of a baby then its own mother is just because they waited for it & paid money.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:29 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • You dont need to "set up an adoption" to get medical bills paid! You can get on medicaid. Its' within someone's rights and the law to changed their mind before the adoption is final. But, truly this is not a common thing. Most birthmoms discover way to late they made a mistake to change their minds. That is a pitfall of domestic adoption that you must be prepared to deal with though...the fact a potential birthmom might change her mind. I"m sorry your friends had to endure this but that's life.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:37 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • I mean, I'm sure the mother came to the realization, and if that's the case, why would they let Ted and Janet have her for 3 weeks? Why not wait until the adoption is final before handing the baby over?
    matobe

    Answer by matobe at 5:41 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • It is incredibly selfish to do what the birth mother did. I DO COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHY a mother would do this and THIS IS WHY I understand that it is selfish of her. The adoptive parents are made well aware that birth parents can do this, however. It is simply part of the risk.....the time limits of taking a child back are different per state.

    If they really want a baby to love, they should look overseas.....I was adopted through Holt Adoption Agency in 1973 from Seoul, South Korea. I know many who were adopted through this agency too, including my sister and two brothers.... It was a relatively quick process & we are awesome kids! ;)
    TLALONDE16

    Answer by TLALONDE16 at 5:44 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • I am sorry for your friends' loss. So many wish the laws about "pre-birth matching" would be changed in order to save adoptive parents this type of dreadful emotional, as well as, financial loss. Also, "pre-birth matching" forces the baby's mother to make a decision about him/her before they have even met! It's something that should not be allowed to happen. If a mother has tried to parent and after birth THEN chooses adoption, then the adoptive parents wouldn't have had to go thru this. It's hard to hear the mother has a right to change her mind (which your friends, of course, know, but would never had imagined) when your friends are grieving the loss of this 3 week old baby. Again, so sorry. :(
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 5:48 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • According to the law the mother can change her mind in a stipulated amount of time depending on the state the adoption was finalized in. It's not unusual for the mother to realise that she can't go through with losing her child. The adoption agency your friends used should have told them this. It's an accepted risk to pre-birth matching.

    I feel bad for your friends. A failed adoption plan is a huge loss. The only way your friends can avoid this in the future is not to agree to a pre-birth match. Unfortunately, they are unlikely to ever adopt because there are several, scores of couples ready and willing to take that risk. btw, I have never heard of anyone spending $70k, I think the usual amount is $40k or less

    Readerlady

    Answer by Readerlady at 5:52 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • It isn't selfish of the mother at all. I'm sorry for your friends, but glad for the baby that it got to stay in it's own family.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:55 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • Can they at least have the agency/facilitator put them back on the "waiting list" or pool of prospective adoptive parents? I was so afraid of this happening to us, but it didn't. Of course we all know it is her right, but it is still hard on the prospective parents emotionally. This is exactly why we had to tell our agency that we were not open to health conditions that would be very expensive to treat - we did not have the funds and could not assume that risk. Insurance companies will ask for every penny back if the adoption is not finalized. Also, many states don't allow any money to be given directly to expectant mothers (I don't know if that was part of the money they lost). I am so sorry for your friends. I hope they will be able to try again, but be able to protect themselves from the financial loss. Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid the risk of heartache again.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 6:44 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • The birth mother should have to pay back every cent of the medical bills and prenatal care the couple paid for!
    Blueliner

    Answer by Blueliner at 6:45 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • I went through this and your friends shouldnt be responsible for the hosptial bills. First of all, if they had health insurance, the health insurance should have paid for the baby from day one, that is a law and hosptials will try to get away with going to whoever has the deepest pockets. The health insurance will deny the request at least once but when you appeal they will have to pay it. If they paid out of their pocket that would have been rare because they typically dont bill you until after at least a month and at that point they new they lost the placement. The agency, if they went through one, should put them back on the waiting list. If they went independent though, that money may be truly lost.

    To answer your question, yes, there are a growing amount of women who know that PAPs will pay good money and they truly run a con game and there is nothing you can legally do about it. Makes good bmoms look bad.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:25 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.