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Do you "help" your child's birth mom if she asks?

Not to offend any mothers here, but if you've adopted a child and their birth mom/dad call asking for money, transportation, to get them out of jail, etc. what do you do? Do you set up boundaries? Do you help, and if so, how?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:15 PM on Dec. 8, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • As birth mother I never asked my son's parents to provide anything to me, money, food, transportation...I just wanted them to love my child and care for him. I never would have asked for their help. They have however sent me gifts in the past and my current children as well...but never have I asked for those things.

    I agree with others you have to decide for yourself how much help you're willing to give and its hard a line because you do need boundaries and you need to ensure you aren't enabling this person to not help themself.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 3:15 PM on Dec. 9, 2009

  • I suppose if you want to help then help, but I wouldn't feel obligated, and I would be careful not to enable her. I would draw the line at bailing her out of jail for sure though! She got herself in that situation it's far from your responsibility to get her out of it!

    It kind of sounds like she feels like you "owe her" for giving you her child. I would think it's more the other way around, she should be grateful that you are giving her baby they life she couldn't! I think she's abusing her relationship with you.
    Blueliner

    Answer by Blueliner at 6:41 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • Neither of our kids' bmoms have ever asked for help from us. They are both older than me. I might help with $10 if they needed cash, but they didn't choose us because we were rich, lol! I would share extra items with them like I would with anyone else, like clothes or kitchen stuff. I would accept a collect call and call them right back. If we were in the area and they needed a ride somewhere I'd do that. No way on earth would I bail them out of jail. I'm not so sure I'd even do that for someone in my immediate family. If we take away the consequences of the action, how are people going to learn from it? I wouldn't give large sums of money, either, even if I had it to give.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 6:52 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • I saw this in another post where a birth mother calls "and you never know if she needs money or has a problem". Our child's birth mother hasn't called us, but if she did needing any of the above things, I'm not sure what I would do. I wouldn't get her out of jail, or course, but with or without the jail scenario, I was just asking if anyone has helped their child's birth mother in financial ways after the adoption?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:56 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • What if you are told through tears that the state would take all of her other children if she is taken to jail? .
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:18 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • Yes, I have helped out my sons birthmom after the adoption was finalized. I put a little bit of money on her books at the jail ($20 twice, when we went to visit.) I also filled up her fridge with food when she got an apartment. I located used furniture such as a kitchen table, a couch and a chair. I gave her some common household items such as washcloths, towels, a small lamp, soap and a few things like that. I have taken her out to dinner a few times, paid her landlord $150 when she didn't have enough for rent. Not really a lot, but it sure helped her when she needed it. Her dad called me up one day saying that "he" wanted to send her to a rehab facility which cost $25,000 and hinted that I should chip in a large amount of money. I didn't take the hint. THAT was not my problem. So, I have helped out a little here and there. Hope this helps.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:09 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • We have ,but recently it was the last straw when we realized that this lengthy sob story that was presented must have been a lie.
    We know that last year the only gifts her other children received were the ones we purchased so we will be buying the kids gifts again and will get her something (clothing most likely) but no cash and no gift cards.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:53 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • My child's birthmother did call us after she got out of jail and when she had no place to live. I will help. Just not in the way she might wish. I would use my skills as a social worker to track down housing opportunities, places she could to seek services, ect....but I would never directly give her money. I wouldn't bail her out of jail. My son just turned three and has two younger siblings living with her. Even if she called to say they were going to be taken away...I know she has family who in the past has offered assistance. She has hinted for money very strongly and we were always careful to not just be rude about her need but to let her know tactfully we are not in a position to do this. When she had her own place for the first time I bought her a set of dishes, cups, silverware, ect. I gave towels - basically a start your own place in one big delivery. She said all the dishes broke and she wanted cash.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:00 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • So we sent a gift card to "replace" the broken dishes. Mostly we sent clothes and baby items for the other two children. She voiced her concern that she felt left out. I know she is not well emotionally/mentally. She is also very smart. She told us flat out she will always find a way to get what she wants. It is a struggle for me because I know this is the illness and all the other issues she has going on. It doesn't mean that I don't get upset and tired of it all. She has not called us in over a year. I really wish she would and that we could start over again. I didn't exactly say the right things. Like when on her last call she said she was pregnant again. I told her congrats...she didn't like that. She said, "You all seem to like babies so much. Your more happy about this than I am." But in truth - I didn't know what else to say. It was automatic. We never heard from her again. If I could redo it I would.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:07 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • Never asked for anything from them monetarilly or material. My only request was to see her before they moved away and they ignored me.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 12:16 AM on Dec. 9, 2009