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how do i get my 11yr old to think 4himself?

i am ready to snap! he refuses to be responsible 4anything! i have to think for him as if he is still 2! no matter what the situation...he wont even handle the responsibility of handing out his own b-day invitations at school! he has to be directed and instructed EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY in EVERY thing he does! and still cant do any of it right! my expectations are not high at all...just use your own brain! I know it is out of lazyness...he is by no means

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chowmom199

Asked by chowmom199 at 10:04 PM on Dec. 8, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (11)
  • wait'll he's fifty two. my husband has three college degrees and he doesn't understand why he shouldn't scratch his a$% in front of me. lol

    seriously though try just reinforcing his good qualities, his hormones even now are more important to him than mom. If you let him know you like him as a person maybe he'll decide you're worthy of his time.
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 10:08 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • My son is 13 and can just now get himself ready for school. He has an above average IQ, but at age 11 he had to be told step by step by step what to do every single morning before school. Believe it or not this has a real name and it's not "Head up your @$$" it is called "Executive Dysfunction". It is the inability to organize and follow instructions.

    Sorry to tell you it doesn't get much better with age so you just have to learn to deal with it. In the last month my son has done the following: 1) Hauled trash bag and empty box to trash dumpster in the alley. Threw box in dumpster and walked back in the door still holding the trash bag. 2) Was suppose to deliver a pie to a fund raising booth in the gymnasium. Drop off pie and come back out to the car so I could take him to band practice. Ten minutes go by and I have to go find him. He is watching the basketball game and has forgotten I am waiting on him.
    Dyndudes

    Answer by Dyndudes at 10:28 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • ALSO...i'm the step-mom! I tried the reinforcing good behavior thing and when I do...he stops the good thing I am praising him for or rewarding him for! I SWEAR HE JUST THOUROGHLY ENJOYS PI**IN ME OFF! no for real though! his bio mom is only his "buddy" two weekends outta the month and i know he resents ME for her lack of actions...but how long can he possibly keep this up? 4EVER? I refuse to let him continue to "sit back and enjoy the ride" any longer! tried taking all his stuff but he didnt care enough to ever try to earn it back! the one good thing about your kids growing older is they can be responsible for themselves...no more diapers...brushin there teeth...dressin them...and we over worked moms start to get a lil break finally!!(not me) I cant MAKE him do any thing! we dont spank EVER and I think if we had just once long ago it wouldve nipped it in the bud!???????????
    chowmom199

    Answer by chowmom199 at 10:31 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • I also might add that it is very sad for my son to be this way. He can't seem to help the way he is and when he realizes he has done something really stupid (like not coming out to the car after he dropped off the pie) he feels really bad and often cries about it.

    I also read a book saying that the best way to handle these kids is to be organized for them and help them by giving simple instructions one step at a time. The book also said that if you continue supporting and helping them that usually they start to improve in late high school.
    Dyndudes

    Answer by Dyndudes at 10:37 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • I have seen him think b4...if he wants his friend to come over after class and he has chores etc to do...he will do them in record time to absolute perfection!!!!! DYNDUDES: I write down every chore step by step and instruct him as if he is def mute and blind at times! I was comforted by the title and words u shared at first thinkin " oh this is the answer" but like i said...i have witnessed him do things to perfection when the end result was getting to have his friends over...but never again!
    chowmom199

    Answer by chowmom199 at 10:46 PM on Dec. 8, 2009

  • My daughter is the same way, although she is 9. Each morning I'm saying...brush your teeth, comb your hair, put on your socks, put on your shoes and I'm thinking - I shouldn't have to tell her this stuff anymore but if I don't she'll just sit there and play with the cat! I feel for you!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:02 AM on Dec. 9, 2009

  • He needs to learn to effects of his actions and inactions. If he can't hand out the invitations, then no one will come to his party. He won't learn if you don't let him make mistakes.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 8:59 AM on Dec. 9, 2009

  • thank you all for the input...I let him make mistakes all the time...the problem is...I cant freakin take it any more...it is stealing soooo much time and energy away from my other two kids EVERY SINGLE DAY and then I will admit that I cant always keep the frustration directed at him and sometimes(2 often) when i am mad at him and my other kids do anything bad...they get the overflow anger that they DO NOT deserve...and your right about one thing...no one is coming to his party and its his fault...but when the reprocussions come into effect HE DOESNT FREAKIN CARE!!! his bio "mom" says start harrassing him by making him do things like wash the floor with a toothbrush etc. aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!! I love that i can come here and share with you all...THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH LADIES
    chowmom199

    Answer by chowmom199 at 4:19 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • Stop talking to him and let him experience some of the real life consequences of his actions.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:14 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • he does...didnt you READ the posts...he spends 75% of his time being punished and suffering the conciquences of his actions...
    chowmom199

    Answer by chowmom199 at 1:39 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

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