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Can step parents love their step children just as much as they would love their own child?

My DH does not have any children of his own. I have a daughter though, & he does love her to pieces. I heard him talking to one of his guy friends & he said "well, she is my step daughter". I really had no idea of the exact subject they were speaking of, but it kind of hurt my feelings. My friend Christian NEVER calls his step daughter his "step daughter", he always calls her his "daughter"...he never throws the "step" in there and sometimes i wish my DH would do that too. Although, i never suggested it, an i would never MAKE him do that. So, it just got me thinking....

Can step parents love their step kids as much as they would love their own children?


Asked by samurai_chica at 8:54 AM on Dec. 10, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 35 (74,081 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (50)
  • I think its possible for them to love their step kids very much but there is something special about the bond between the birth parent & the child. I always thought I'd be an excellent stepmom & loved my fiance's kids dearly, we broke up, I married someone else & now we have our own dd who's 7 mo. I love her more fiercely than I imagined possible, much more so than I felt w/ what would have been my step kids. I also think its stronger for mom's, the kid is coming out of you so the bond is even stronger. For men...I think it depends on the man, my dh isn't someone that would do well w/ step kids, he's very...alpha male. Remember in the animal kingdom when a new male takes over the pack or herd or whatever, more often than not he kills off the kids that aren't his, survival of the fittest. If you think bout it in that context then we should be amazed more men are stepping up & taking care of kids that aren't biologically theirs

    Answer by Nyx7 at 9:00 AM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • Have you asked dh why he uses this term? He may not feel this way but is so used to the terminology that he doesn't notice it. Talk to him bout it, if it bothers you its probably bothering your dd as well.

    Answer by Nyx7 at 9:01 AM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • That's very interesting, i actually read something not that long ago that says men do much better w/ their step kids than women do. I think it might be true. I mean, we already have a bond with our babies before they are even born. We go through the pain & suffering & joy & laughter of bringing them into this world. Men have to work a just a tad harder to create that bond with even their own kids.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:08 AM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • It's possible. My dh and I have a daughter together who is 13 months and she has two more daughters from his first marriege. One is 7 years old and the second one is 3. Theur mom died giving birth to the little one. Anyway, I love those two kid like my own! I always say I have 3 daughters, not one, and the girls even call me mom. They used to call me aunt Ellen, but switched to mom after a while. The little one did it first and the 7-yr-old did it a few months later.

    I absolutely adore all my girls equally.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:11 AM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • My ex husband in having a hard time even liking his new step son....i think that is sad. Although, he does already have 3 of his own kids.

    I see what you mean about the animal kingdom though, that is very true. I think it makes a difference as well if the step parent actually HAS children of their own. It may be easier to bond with a step child if you don't have any of your own kids to bond with.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:12 AM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • aww 9:11, that really warms my heart! I'm so glad that they are able to call you mother & have you to rely one & BE their mother. Congrats on being an awesome human being!


    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:14 AM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • Yes, I have a step mother and she has never made me feel "not her own".. She has known me for 31 years and my children are HER grandchildren. I call her before I call my mom for good news or something the kids did or said, or for hard times.. She always has referred to me as her DD not SD. But she has referred to me as Pete's DD as a way not to confuse people or lie to them. She does this mainly with people that know us very well but have not seen me in many years. He might have said that as a way of not confusing his friend. Because technically she is not his DD even tho he may treat her a his. As long as he does not refer to your DD as his SD to people close to you, I wouldn't hold it against him. It is more important how he treats her. I can see how this would bother you and your DD if he does this in front of her but truth be told she is his SD. Try not to get wrapped up in terms but more how he treats her.

    Answer by midnightmoma at 9:17 AM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • I have a stepmom she has been with my dad since I was 8 I'm now 25. I love her just like my own mom and she treats me as if I'm one of her own. I do not how ever call her mom just because I somewhat feel that it would be disrespectful to my mom. I do think its possible to love stepkids as much as your real ones though cause she shows me that. I have 2 stepkids of my own we haven't gotten along so great that is mostly to do with thier mom puttting them against me though but I do try hard with them.

    Answer by Rebeccaroe at 9:20 AM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • Since you don't know the contect, the might have just been pointing out the fact. Like why doesn't she have your last name? -- well she is my step daughter.

    But it's just a technicallity. I have step brothers and sisters and I refer to them as that. Doesn't make them any less family, though, it's just what they are.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:28 AM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • I have three boys. My oldest just happens to be my stepson. I say both, and I love all three pretty much the same and for different things about them. My stepson is so smart, he can figure just about anything out. My second is a comedian, and my youngest is a monkey. He was my oldest, I came into his life when he was 9 months old. I am his stepmama, and he knows that. His mother knows how much I love him.

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 9:48 AM on Dec. 10, 2009