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I need advice....about husband cheating

My husband had an affair back at the first of the year. When I found out he left me and my children for about a month. We have been back together since, trying to work things out. He swears it only went on for the time frame I know about but others have told me different. We have been doing good for the most part except when this stuff comes up. I want to believe him, but it is hard. Now, this happened today...we were going to borrow money from this loan place for Christmas and we found out one of the girls worked with the girl he had an affair with.....he doesn't want to go there now because he is afraid the girl will tell me something that isn't true he says. So that makes me think that he has something to hide. Is it wrong for me wanting to know the truth? Like I said we have been doing really well other than this part. Our relationship has been better and stronger than ever. We been together 14 years.

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:37 PM on Dec. 10, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Tell him that in order for you to forgive him you have to know the whole truth so you can all move on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:45 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • The whole thing is very suspicious. I don't think he told you everything and considering he lied to you then left you, there is no reason to believe he is telling the truth. If he doesn't want to go to the loan place for Christmas money because he's afraid of what you'll hear there, that is a big red flag something more went on than what he is telling you. You're going have to say if he doesn't tell you the entire truth you will never move forward.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:51 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • Honestly, I don't think you need to know every detail, nor do I think knowing would make you feel ANY better. You have already decided to give it another chance and you are doing well with it. Why drudge up more garbage from his past? If you trust that he is free of the other woman and wants to work on it, I say let it die. Nothing good will come of knowing every detail.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:52 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • He needs to come completely clean if he hasn't and then you need to set a start from scratch date. Meaning that from that point on you have to believe that the stuff you are hearing is just people stirring the pot. If you can't believe what he says and keep believing all the stuff you hear, then you may as well call it quits. By him avioding the situation, it makes it seems as if more was/is going on than there actually was. Your job is to believe him when the past comes to haunt.

    I have been where you are around the same time this year as well

    Answer by Jademom07 at 12:56 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • I don't agree with ANON :52, knowing every little detail (even details about sex) was the only way that I could come to terms with what he did. That way my mind couldn't wonder about what really happened. Only then could I move on from it.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 12:58 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • I would go to that place & talk to her when you are not with husband. OBVIOUSLY he is hiding more info. Why would he say "I'm scared she is going to tell you something that is not true" Obviously, he is scared that she is going to tell you something that IS true.

    I would want to know the details. Maybe it would kill me, but maybe it would help me leave my cheating husband. Once a cheater always a cheater & 99% of the time, that is a very true statement. I know you don't want to throw away 14 years of marriage, but what if he is still talking to this lady he cheated on you with?

    I would go to the "friend" and talk to her woman to woman, & ask her to please fill you in so that you don't make a mistake by taking this man back into your life.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 1:29 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • It's not wrong. It's not unreasonable, and (even if you beg and plead for it) it's not gonna happen. Not from him, anyway. So what do you think is gonna be accomplished if you DO get the ENTIRE truth? The strength of your relationship is, as you say, "Better and stronger than ever" right? I don't personally understand how thats possible, but you feel that it is, so why add extra hurt to existing pain? The fact is, if you REALLY think that you need the ugly details of his infidelity rattling around in your head and your heart then be prepared. It's not gonna make things better, and it almost surely will make them worse. I know this from experience, not heresay, so please don't take me wrong. I'm so sorry. He knows what it will do to your relationship if he tells you everything, so if you REALLY want to go down this road, you may need to make an appointment to get a loan....
    Is that what you want?

    Answer by mygirlscome1st at 1:37 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • I like samurai chicas quotation placement on "friend" -I was kinda thinking the same thing, as in she may be more like the "cheated with."

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:11 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • i would go back there, with or without him and talk to the girl. see what she said, but if my dh cheated (even though we have been together for 10 yrs) i would never take him back. you need to look into it. esp because he is nervious about it. very suspicious! you dont want to go and fall back in love with him to get burned again do you?

    Answer by AmaliaD at 2:35 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • If your relationship is stronger than it has ever been then you deserve the whole truth. Trust is obviously and issue with you two; you can't trust that he has given you the whole truth and he can't trust that you won't flip over the whole truth. I call this ommitting information! In my book, that's still lying. I think you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation (or a few of them) because in the end he owes you the truth. If he wants to rebuild this relationship to a point where you can feel total trust with him again he needs to divulge what it is that he feels is the "untruth" that might be told by this "friend." No one should be that nervous. Maybe you should contact this woman and just find out what she has to say. Be honest with her and tell her that your hubby is nervous that she may say something that isn't true. I know from experience how the "who, what, why, where, when's" can run around in your head...

    Answer by AWomansMind at 6:40 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

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