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Wonder if this punishment will help nip it in the bud? 11 year old DS testing me!

My son, 11, whom I love dearly and is the light of my life most of the time, has become a bit challenging. He had a friend sleep over last w/e(often does)and I said "You can stay up 'till 12, no later." My DH caught them playing their DS games at 3:45 that night, hadn't gone to sleep!(slept in the LR) So, we said "You're grounded from all screen games for 1 week." Today, 5 days later, I went to drop my DD off at a lesson and came home, checked on the computer history (1st time) and found he'd been playing a game while I was gone (supposed to be practicing trumpet). I called him on it and he denied it so I showed him and said, "It's right here, you can't deny it." Then I asked him how I was supposed to trust him and that he's grounded for another week. He said "You're mean" and later "Why don't you just tape the computer shut?" Something tells me he's going to be one that tests us to see if we enforce things. Are we being fair?

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dflygirl7

Asked by dflygirl7 at 6:23 PM on Dec. 10, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 12 (751 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • You are being fair. Him telling you that you are mean is the best way to know you're getting to him. lol Just make sure you are consistent and stick to your punishments. It's good that the punishment fits the crime.
    Hopefully it's just a phase and he won't test you for the next 7 years.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:26 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • I think a week was too long. He stayed up almost four hours over the time you set down so I would have given him 4 days without games and made him write me a paper on why sleep is important. However, in our house LIES are NOT tolerated. If he had admitted he did it I would have let it go and just told him to not do it again but oh no....once he lied his little behind would have been mine! His original remarks of anger would have been ok since his anger (with himself) is valid but I can't let a lie go so yup, he's without the computer again.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:37 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • I think your punishment was fair. The denial and lying is a much bigger issue. Lies destroy trust and he needs to learn that. He's 11 of course he's testing you. Hormones are beginning to rage. Your rules are still your rules. Password protect the computer so he CAN'T log on period. His anger is okay. Saying hurtful things because he is angry is not. You need to have a calm talk with him. Tell him straight up 'it is okay to be angry. it is never okay to strike out at others verbally or physically just because you are mad. " The situation is one of his own making. Be clear on what the consequences will be for breaking the rules and stick by it. I also would not allow sleep overs for a while since he abused that privilege too.

    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 7:00 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • I might be in the minority here, but I think you may have been a little harsh.

    Let's face it most kids stay up way later then thier parents want when there is a sleepover, I never expect them to actually go to sleep when I say...remember your days at sleep over's? And then to take all screen games for a week? If you take a privilage away for two long they loose interest in the punishment, it looses it's effect. If it was that big of a deal 1-2 days would have been enough, and then if it were to happen again 2-3 days, but much longer then that for something so minor is just extreem.

    As to being called "mean" those were his feeling in that moment, how is that wrong? Had he said you were an F&^%ing B*&^% that would be a whole different story. But all he said is you are mean, I would have replied with.."Sorry you feel that way but those are my rules." End of story....

    Cont...
    luckysevenwow

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 7:17 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • Cont...

    The lie is a little different, but if this is his first big offense I would have given extra chores, limited his screen game time to an hour a day and that would only be after he has completed all homework and chores. This has worked well in my house, I also always stress that the lie is what is going to get you in trouble, can't promise that what you did won't have a consequence, but lie and it will be worse.

    luckysevenwow

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 7:20 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • So you let him have a sleep over and told him when to go to bed?????? I find that odd.
    Since he disobeyed you, he needs to pay the consequences. Whatever you find acceptable. But, maybe you both should have a discussion on why you want him to go to bed at a certain time ect.
    I think it is really a hard age. I have two boys, one 14 and one 12 and a daughter 10. I am in a different position in some ways because my children do not have a bedtime. Long story. Anyway, so I reason with my kids and talk to them about what they need for sleep requirements and they have been doing well on following them so far, but for the occasional "I had a good book and couldn't put it down" scenario.
    There is something really addictive about screen games and since they are such and integral part of society, it may feel to him like you have removed some of his prestige with his friends.
    con't
    Whatkids

    Answer by Whatkids at 7:32 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • I don't feel you were wrong with doing that, but it isn't working. I think that is the bigger problem.
    The big question is why is he acting in such a manner like smarting off and such and you are not addressing that? I don't think grounding him for another week is going to work.
    I think you should have him write an essay to you regarding the rules of your house and what you expect from him as far as obedience and respect. I think it should contain as much his frustration and questions as it goes through his interpretation of your rules.
    I hope this makes sense.

    When my kids were young, I remember telling my kids under NO circumstances were they allowed to get out of bed and I needed them to go to bed, stay there and go to sleep. My kids misunderstood me, or rather they obeyed me to the letter. They peed the bed every night till I figured out that they thought they could not get up. (Back when I tried to control this.)
    Whatkids

    Answer by Whatkids at 7:39 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • We dont allow sleep overs if there is something important the next day.
    I dont expect them to even sleep at sleep overs.

    HOWEVER, since you told him that they need to put the game away at 12... you have every right to punish.

    And for the second issue - you may have been soft... that was a much worse crime in my mind.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:48 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • i too have an 11yr old who thought it was ok to turn the tv in his room on after lights out. he lost the tv all together. I dont think you are being unfair at all. we dont spank and are pretty fair parents and of course this wasnt the first in a long line of events leading up to the total loss of the tv.He TOTALLY knows better and having it is a TOTAL privelage. I was especially taken back by the fact that yours had not only broken a completely understandable rule...but he went against a punishment and then lied about it! i have been havin lots of issues wit mine and rarely know if what i am doing is right or "fair" but seeing your question I am pretty confidant in my answer! I think your punishment was actually pretty mild! trust is a huge issue with me and the lying should be addressed as well (in my opinion)
    chowmom199

    Answer by chowmom199 at 12:45 AM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • today mine swore the dog ate his homework! said he woke up to bits of paper and no math page.he swore up and down he wasnt lying so when there were no pieces in his room i said where are they,he said he threw them away so i took him to the trash and said ok where are they...he was busted! knowing full well how i feel about lying since i was simultaniously scolding my 7 year old about lying about flossing and it is just a known fact in our home, his punishment was his bedtime is now(for a spell) 30 minutes earlier!I use to be very inconsistant with punishments till i started watchin supernanny cuz i get tired of being the "bad guy" but he is plenty old enough to know better. do the crime do the time!dont be so hard on yourself.the punishment wont mame or kill him and maybe he will take you more seriously next time! good luck I sooo feel ya!
    chowmom199

    Answer by chowmom199 at 12:53 AM on Dec. 11, 2009

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