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How can i make myself deal with the fact that my 18 year old son doesnt want to be bothered with me even though ive done all i could for him and never harmed him? he lives with my sister because he doenst want to live in philly and he has turned his back on me and it hurts me everyday., i cant move past

i am a single mom. i have two children. i was in a bad marriage to an abusive man and since i left i just cant get on my own two feet and have to live with a friend. My son was kicked out because he was picking on her young son and now lives with my sister since i cant afford my own place...since i cant provide for him as much as he wants although i have always made sure he had what he wanted, he turned his back on me and wont speak to me. he got his drivers license and didnt tell me although i was taking him driving and told him i wanted to be a part of that with him...he has hurt me over an over and i dont deserve it. i never drank or went anywhere but work without my kids. and i get this from him? i cry over him everyday and email him and he doenst respond or hes negative with can i try to accept this? i feel ive lost him.

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Asked by monica37 at 11:03 PM on Dec. 10, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (10)
  • Many young men are angry bc moms don't get out of the abused relationship faster. It causes these kids a lot of pain emotionally. Sometimes they blame the moms. I know my son blamed me and he won't speak to me either. I look at it as I did my best and he's an adult. They have to leave the nest sometime so I just accepted it as that. I did a good enough job that he can be independent and doesn't need to cling to me anymore. He's a man now. It's time for him to be testing his wings and living his own life. It's all good. He'll be fine and will probably be back when he works out his issues.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:12 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • My brother went through an attitude like that for 5 years or so and we had a great mom and dad. Sometimes boys go through that. Now my brother is the one always trying to get us all together. It will get better.
    You need to back off a little and let him have some space. Now you're probably irritating him can you imagine if someone e-mailed you constantly to tell you how much they missed you? I get your reason, but let him have some space. Put your energy towards putting your life together.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:20 PM on Dec. 10, 2009

  • "Many young men are angry bc moms don't get out of the abused relationship faster. It causes these kids a lot of pain emotionally. Sometimes they blame the moms. I know my son blamed me and he won't speak to me either."

    OP, I've been in your son's position. My mom is still with my dad who hurt me growing up. It's been a long time since I got out of that environment, but undoing the damage and "un-learning" unhealthy behaviors takes a long time. Give him space.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:49 AM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • Patience mommy. Give him time and space. Don't let him make you feel like you were in the wrong. You say you have 2 children. Let the other know how much you love both of them but can't let him walk over you. That you will always be there for both of them but are unable to help the older right now.

    Answer by baconbits at 4:32 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • thank you for all of your input...i dont email him everyday, i have done so a few times...but i did tell him its not fair that he feels he can hurt me and i have to let him be but i will be here whenever he is just not reaching out to him anymore. when he was 8 he was hit by a car and i took the person to court and got him $10,000 and had it put in an acct for him when he turned 18..i told him he couldnt get it til 21..i wanted him to be mature enough to handle that much money and use it for something important..he turned 18 and somehow got his $$ and accused me of lying to him about it and has spent it so far on tattoos and hurts me that he is wasting it like i didnt want. he dropped out of school in 9th grade after gettin ready to repeat it for the 3rd time..i wanted him to be responsible b4 getting that money,,,i have tried takiong him to therapy etc he wasnt responsive...i just miss him so much

    Answer by monica37 at 8:38 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • I have been there. My son moved in with his father when he was 14. Long story, now he is 19 just got married and they are expecting a baby. I am always the one that gets pushed to the side, they dont want me to be part of their lives, but every couple days I text him to be sure he is ok, most days he answers me. Anyhow I have just learned to let them know your there for them, that is about all you can do. You can send me a friends request if you just want to talk to someone that has been through this....wish u the best of luck....

    Answer by momof3boyz37 at 9:15 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • You are giving him too much power and he knows it. He's got problems and just be glad he is not sharing those problems with you because it would problem break your heart even further. Let him go for your heart sake. Focus on your other child.

    I am sorry you are going thru this.  Give it time.


    Answer by Anonymous at 12:01 AM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • You kinda have to let it go. He is an adult now and is making an adult choice. I know its not any easier to hear that but I know what you are going through because my dad and uncle did the same thing to my grandma who was wonderful enough to raise me and my sister.

    *hugs* tons and tons of *hugs*

    Answer by rjpetty605 at 1:12 AM on Dec. 14, 2009

  • You DID lie to him about the money. You need to focus on what he needs not what he wants. Your priorities are clearly out of whack. You basically said I spoiled my kid as much as possible, but it wasn't enough and now he is pissed. Well guess what spoiled children do that. You have put him ahead of yourself for far too long. Just say, well you are 18, you have your money, you are on your own. And your sister should be charging him rent. No more providing for an 18 yr old who isn't in school.
    Look at what you wrote "he lives with my sister because he doesn't want to live in Philly" then later your friend kicked your son out for being an asshole to her younger kid. Which is it? Stop making excuses for him. Your kid is a jerk and it is probably your ex-husabnd's fault, but you have to deal with it. That doesn't mean you have to be a door mat.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:36 PM on Dec. 16, 2009

  • i agree with what anonymous said above me for the most part.... and yes my priorities were out of whack, and now its too late...and yes,, my kid is a jerk,,,,but he is still my kid and i love him and miss him....but i have to accept what is going on...there is so much more to it than i can type...but it is what it is....and i do appreciate all of the advice and makes me look at things from many perspectives

    Answer by monica37 at 5:28 PM on Dec. 16, 2009

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