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Other Children

As an Aparent, what feelings do you have for the bmom's other children? Do you ever feel guilty about the child that you are raising being so comfortable and happy and having all of these advantages when you know her other children are not (if they are not)?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:35 AM on Dec. 11, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (15)
  • I'm not an adoptive mother, but I do feel sorry for my ex-husbands step daughter, or my daughter's step sister. He doesn't even pay me child support so it's not like I'm taking anything away from her. Both him and his wife are low life under-achieving losers! I've seen pictures and they don't even have sheets on their beds. Of course they don't get her much, although they both smoke and drink. My daughter even told her grandmother not to buy her Christmas presents and to just get some extra ones for her step sister because she doesn't have very much! That and they never eat cooked meals. They only eat sandwiches and tv dinner type stuff.
    I also feel bad for my daughter because she wants to improve the life of her step sister and can't make her life the ideal of what our family is.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:18 AM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • I'm also not an adoptive mother, but a birth mother. I do know that my son's adoptive parents were very happy for me when I had children. I can't say whether or not they felt bad for my boys, I would really hurt if they did. I know they had wanted do adopt my other children to have biological brothers, but I don't think that was because they felt bad for them. My children are amazing and while they may not have all the same opportunities (because I'm not as wealthy as they are), my children have never wanted for anything, they are loved, supported and taught write from wrong etc.. We may not take vacations to Hawaii, however my oldest spend 14 days in Europe as a Student Ambassador. My youngest will have this same opportunity. My boys are in sports, go to sports camps, took piano etc, but above all are well cared for, so I would hope they see me as a wonderful parent and not feel bad for my boys.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 10:55 AM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • OP Here: before this post becomes endless testimonials of how happy the children that bmom kept are and how money isnt everything, etc etc, I should have been more clear and I apologize.

    I am referring to when the other children are missing more than trips to Hawaii etc. I meant more when the other children are not being well cared for and raised in disfunctional situations. My child's bmom has DHS in her life more often than not and similar to the first poster, the money that comes in is more frequently spent on drugs, alcohol and cigs than on clean clothes and healthy meals, let along the newest toy that every 5 yr old wants. Christmas time of year just makes me more aware of it,

    Obviously when the bmom is taking good care of the other kids it is a different story.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:05 AM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • OP - Thank you. I hope you weren't thinking I was being attacking just wanted to say how I would be deeply hurt based on my situation if my son's parents thought my kids weren't being cared for. However I do understand what your saying, and I could absolutely see how you would feel bad for their other children. I myself even feel this way when I see children in these situations, I wish I could take them all in and care for them they way they deserve :)
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:21 AM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • blessedwboysx3:
    Oh No, I wasnt thinking you were attacking, I realized my original post wasnt clear.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:51 AM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • Birthmother here also. When I place Little A for adoption in 07, I had Big A with me. She was jsut turning 7 at the time when Little A was born.

    I wasnt nor ever was using drugs and drinking. However I did make bad choices and lost everything I owed. EVERYTHING

    I decided that Little A would have a better life given to her that I just couldnt give to her at that time. Her parents felt bad for my daughter, Big A and myself.

    But only because of life choices I made. They feel that I am in fact a good mother, just got pregnant at the very wrong time in my life and things were just crazy. They felt bad that life was going the way it went for me then.

    I have since moved out the shelter, got an apartment and started working full time. I now have a nice townhome with Big A and my new son and the father. Little A parents are happy for us. And are thrilled that we are doing much better.
    TLW514

    Answer by TLW514 at 12:53 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • I do worry about my DS's half sib. DHS did a trial of letting her keep the baby and she took off. They didn't involve the courts so they couldn't do anything about it. I know all about BMs history, I know she didn't get cleaned up before she had the baby, I know all about her issues, and I can only hope that she is providing the best care for that baby. I'm really hoping the baby had a purpose in the BMs life to motivate her to get clean and turn her life around. But I have strong doubts. I worked with her when we were doing foster care for DS. I have learned I have to let it go though, stressing about whether or not she has turned her life around won't make any difference.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:04 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • I do feel badly for my daughter's older brother. He's been back and forth between family members and has been taken from his mom again. He rarely sees her. His dad is in the same town but doesn't show much interest in him. I don't feel guilty because it isn't our fault that he is in that situation. My husband is his Godfather, and we care about him very much. I feel badly for my son's two older sisters because they don't know about him, and because they rarely see their mom due to her issues that she is dealing with.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 4:41 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • You've explained your faux pas, but still I feel your post is insulting. Isn't the very premise that a birth mom gives her child up for adoption because she's not ready to parent? Isn't the inference that she then goes on to finish her education, start a career, meet "the one", and then go on to have a family when she's ready? Despite your explanation, you obviously assume every birth mom is poor, dysfunctional and on drugs.


    I say you take a good long look at how you view birth mothers. Many of us went on to be doctors, lawyers, politicians, nurses, SAHM's, etc., etc.


    btw, many of us would give up the careers we went on to persue to get our children back. Sometimes the big house and the fast car in the garage just feels like shit.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:15 AM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • Poster above, OP here.
    Actually, the inference is that she goes on the her educations, career, etc etc which probably was the way 20 or 30 years ago but statistically, most women who place their children now are no longer teenagers, they are older and are already parenting one child and are financially in bad shape. Their financial situation may not get that much better after they place but the goal is not to make it any worse. I explained what I was referring to and it requires no futher justifications.

    If the decisions that you have made in life make you feel like Sh*t, then I recommend counseling because no one should live their lives feeling like that.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:16 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

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